A
female
 ,
*talie
writes:Hi. I am 29 and on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He moved 400 miles to live with me over a year ago so doesnt have any family in the area. Last night we had another argument about my jealousy (he has a new female friend and I'm constantly snooping to see how often he texts her etc) and insecurity and today he is moving out to stay with a friend for a few days. I'm gutted. We have always argued but I've never felt love like this before and I really dont want to lose him. I know technically, if someone else was to watch us daily, they'd think our relationship isnt working but I cant imagine and dont want to be without him. My other problem is that I was married for 7 years and left my husband because of how I felt about this man. I didnt cheat on my husband but it just made me realise that the 7 years had been a farce and I shouldnt be there (I knew I was making a mistake marrying him but did it anyway). I have never been on my own. I'm terrified. I dont socialise much, dont have many friends and I'm quite shy and awkward so find it very difficult to start new friendships. I work with a lot of women and I dont know how I'll ever find anyone else. I know it sounds needy and pathetic but I've never been on my own and really dont want to be. I hate being home alone when my boyfriend is late shift never mind being alone 24 hours a day! I know deep down this is probably the reason I am persevering with him and that it's not right but I didnt love my husband and deeply love my boyfriend. What if I never find this feeling again?I am really insecure and jealous and I know this is the basis for our problems (he is also quite a private person, not a good match!) but what if I never find anyone I feel secure with and in every relationship i'm the same? I'll have wasted the chance to be with someone I really love yet be in the same position.I'm so confused and hurt. How do you get over someone? I wouldnt even know where to start. I know i'm the obsessive type and it scares me how I'll react and feel if he does leave me for good.I cant cope with feeling like this. I just want to shut everything off and not think or feel anymore. I'm on anti depressants yet still feel this bad.Please help.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): hi.i feel like i know exactly what you are going through. im 32 and was with my ex for 6 years. we met just as my other 2 year relationship had ended. we split 8 months ago because i found out he was cheating on me. it hurt me so badly too.i just want to say that i am living proof that things can change when you are on your own. its true, people told me to hang on in there and that i would be ok, but i tell you its took this long to believe it, but now i do. you need to remain positive as much as you can. you deserve to find someone true and have a happy and healthy relationship. friends are important - i made friends through a local paper and have been friends now with 2 women for 15 months. please dont expect it to be easy but i promise you that you will learn so much about yourself and become a stronger person. dont have a man just to fill a gap - go to dance classes with new friends - i started beginners salsa and its great fun! im also looking to book a summer girl's holiday! look after you and your interests, be strong and it will be worth it. im speaking from experience and now dont want a man in my life for now - i never thought i would feel that way. take care and best of luck. you are not on your own mate x
A
female
reader, juliagulia +, writes (15 March 2006):
 If you keep acting jealous over this other girl, you will most likely push them together or just drive him away. You have to learn to give people some space. You said he moved 400 miles to be with you - that is a huge deal! He obviously loves you a lot to do that for you. And since he doesn't know anyone there besides you, he just made a new friend in her. It is most likely nothing that has become a bigger something because you made it that way. Just relax! Try not to be so obsessive! You have to let him breathe, or risk suffocating him and running him off for good. It sounds like you really want to work things out, so you need to start trying. The first thing you have to do is let go of that insecurity. No one finds that attractive. NOBODY. You need to find new ways to feel better about yourself. Get out of the house more! Don't just sit around waiting for him to come home from work - go out and do something! Find some things you enjoy - take a dance class, cooking lessons, whatever you are interested in and try to make some friends in your class who share your interests. Do some volunteer work at the animal shelter or a nursing home and do something that makes you feel good about yourself and has nothing to do with your guy. Find a new hobby to keep you busy - like photography or art or scrapbooking or something. Go out and get some exercise - studies show that people feel more attractive and confident when they work out. Start being more involved with you and you will find it much easier not to obsess over him and every little text message he gets or whatever. You need to change some things about yourself if you want to ever be happy. Only you can make yourself happy - you will never find that in another person, you have to look inside for that. Once you start living your life for you, then maybe he will want to be more of a part of it. And over time you will cure your fear of being alone, because some time in your life, you probably will be. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, d4u04 +, writes (15 March 2006):
 Well obviously not every relationship is black and white but if your boyfriend hasn't actually cheted on you, I would just try to learn to have more faith and trust him because as I've said on many an occasion, trust is the basis of a healthy, happy, long relationship. I say if you know he hasn't cheated then push the thoughts of him and his new female friend out of your mind as chances are, it's probably plutonic anyway.
If you know he has cheated however (as I didn't really get this either way from the question) then confront him and make sure, then end it my dear.
There's always someone around the corner who is bettr for you and i know you don't want to be on your own and are scared of what will happen and how to get over him but if you don't take the plunge you are likely to be stuck in this rut until you do. And anyway, it is in moments of depair that our true strength as people comes out, and you are strong enough to deal with it, I assure you. Time is a great healer x
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