A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years now, and we've been living together for about a year. We're both 28. When he asked me to move in, it followed some pretty intense conversations about our future and if he saw marriage and kids as part of it. After brushing the conversation off a few times, I eventually told him I was going to take a step back (not split up or anything, just not seeing him as much as usual) to give us both a chance to think. After a week or so he sat me down and said he'd been doing a lot of thinking, that definitely did want marriage/kids with me, but he wouldn't make that commitment without living together first, which I thought was fair. He knew my stance on this, and led me to believe that it was just a case of checking to see if we were compatible first. However, it's now been a year and he still won't commit to any sort of timescale for the future. He said he's happy to have me living with him, but I'm now starting to think he told me what I wanted to hear to buy some time. I even believe he thought he meant it, but maybe only because he was scared of losing me? He's now saying we have time and he wants to 'live more' first. But I thought we'd do that together?I always believed that these men who refuse to properly discuss the future with long term girlfriends were sending a clear message that they weren't happy, but it's much harder on this side of the fence.I'm also not expecting a proposal right now, just some indication about what he's waiting for as there doesn't seem to be anything concrete/if there is he won't discuss it. I don't want to come across as the crazy, marriage obsessed girlfriend, but this is really upsetting me and he can't see why.Am I wasting my time here?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 What you got was the classic "bait and switch". He promised you marriage and kids if you would move in with him.
However, he wanted all the domestic benefits of marriage without having to commit. He got you moved in, keeping house, paying for bills to relieve his own bank account, ready-sex and a warm body at night.
After 4 1/2 years, I believe you ARE wasting your time. There are many guys who have a family life as a goal, have gotten their wild oats sown, and won't waste time once they've fallen in love with the right woman. Usually, one telltale sign is whether or not his buddies are also getting married.
You will cross 30 years old with this guy not marrying you if you stay with him. He has only given you empty promises so that you would situate your life around his, giving him all he cares to want and leaving you wanting. Your pain is being caused by the revelation that domesticity and commitment are NOT the same thing, and "living together" is not THE necessary next step in a relationship, no more than being Friends With Benefits is a step in becoming an exclusive relationship. It is a trick and a ruse.
No, I'm not saying that living together will prevent a marriage, but it IS a trick and a ruse when a guy suggests it as vital to a marriage decision, dangling your dreams in front of you like a carrot on a string you strain for and never can get.
You have more prospects than he does. Get out of this relationship before you get pregnant with the guy's child only to have him bolt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): I also started to resent my ex when we were still together. After 8 years, I was 28 and zero sign of commitment, wait till you've finished school, wait till you've got a job, wait till your earning more money... Lots of excuses (financially we were fine with him anyway) .
Then I grew to resent him so much that I let myself fall for another guy. Never cheated on him but I guess maybe a bit emotionally towards the end. Anyway, he regrets treating me like that. And nearly three years later he's still alone and unhappy. I feel sorry for him. I'm still happy with the guy I fell for and to be honest I don't even care about marriage anymore!
Just an idea of what happened from my perspective. I know I'd be miserable if I stayed with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): **ORIGINAL POSTER**Thanks to everyone who replied, sadly I think you have backed up what I've been fearing. Although he has said he wants marriage and kids with me specifically, he has no idea when and can't seem to say what's holding him back other than he's 'not ready' yet. I could understand where he was coming from before we moved in, but there don't seem to be any legitimate reasons left that don't involve the fact he isn't willing to formally commit to me. I feel like I already compromised a lot of what I wanted to help him make sure he was sure, and now I feel so let down that he's still blowing me off. I actually raised this exact concern before I moved in and he assured me he wanted the same things as me (albeit after a lot of humming and hawing), he just needed to be sure.You're also right that I don't want it with someone I have to force into it. I see so many other men excitedly planning proposals and that's what I want. I suppose I'm struggling to decide whether I should even bring it up again, at the risk of forcing him, or just set my internal deadline and see what he does? The problem is, I'm starting to resent him so much that I think our relationship is going to start going downhill soon anyway :(
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 When I read your story, all I can imagine is what if I was in his position. What sort of relationship/future did I see myself having with my girlfriend, if she asked for marriage and committment, and my response is "I want to live life first"... It makes me think, if I had to hold off like this, if I felt marrying the person I love was like dying, hence needing to "live first", and keep pushing it off and not wanting it... Then I do not think marrying this person was actually something I wanted.
I don't know if you understand what I mean by this, but Im trying to think of what position would I be in, if I was saying this to someone I lived with. The only position I can imagine, where saying the things he's saying makes sense, is if I was trying to avoid marriage with the person because I didn't know if they were the one I wanted for life.
The hard decision is this one: you're not getting any younger, and I know all about the pressure on women of your age as I am 29 myself. After 4 years, if he's still sitting on the fence and is reluctant, and feels like he needs to "live life", as if marrying you means the end of his life.., then he's NOT the one you should be with. How long can you honestly wait? You've waited long enough. When people are in love and want to marry one another, they don't WAIT 4 years. They get married. End of story. Then they go and they enjoy their marriage as if that's WHEN LIFE BEGINS, not as if when life is over...
Read his actions, and hear the meaning behind his words. He doesn't want to marry you. Stop hoping for him to propose, he's already told you clearly that he does not want to marry you. You're just refusing to hear it.
Yes, you are wasting your time. He's content with status quo, and doesn't want anything else with you. I believe he's settled, because he finds you okay enough for now. Or, marriage isn't something he wants, ever, and so he is stringing you along.
You KNOW what you want! And he's not on board. So what are you waiting for? End things on a friendly term, you want different things in life, and you see marriage very differently. For you marriage is something GOOD. For him, marriage means the end of his life...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): I think living together for a year is long enough to judge whether you are a good fit as a couple. I would ask him if you actually both want the same things. Clearly you want the greater commitment of marriage as a framework for having a family. Either he wants that or not and you need to know. I don't think you are being unreasonable considering you have been together quite a few years. It is easy to drift and having a family is not something that can wait indefinitely. An ultimatum, sensitively done, will focus his mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2015):
 I DO think he told you what he thought you wanted to hear, to BUY him some time. ABSOLUTELY.
He said he wanted marriage and kids, and maybe he does, BUT he never gave you an idea of WHEN he might want those things, OR if he even wants them WITH you. See my point?
You think he isn't happy, and that is why he is riding the fence. I disagree. I think he is VERY happy with STATUS QUO. He doesn't WANT to rock the boat with marriage and kids. He is content with "JUST" playing house with you.
When he said that he "now" want to "live more first" did you ask what he meant? And if he didn't think the two of you were ALREADY doing that?
You have all these questions that NONE of us can really answer............ because? WE ARE NOT him.
You are NOT a crazy or an obsessed GF for wanting to know if he sees a long term future with you, if you two are on the same page or EVEN in the same "book. Specially not after having spend 4 1/2 years together.
TALK to him, but don't expect miracles. My guess is he will likely pull another, "I'll say what she wants to hear so I can get her off my back a while longer, it worked before it will work again"....
And I would prepare myself for setting a time limit here. How LONG are you willing to wait for him to decide? Are you sure you WANT him, if he ONLY will commit/propose because he is faced with losing you? Shouldn't he WANT to be with you of his OWN free will? Know what I mean?
Sorry, that is the best I got.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (15 January 2015):
 I do advise you to be very careful. I had an aunt who was married to a man for 9 years. She wanted kids and every time they talked about it, he had a new excuse ... "Let's wait till I'm out of school, finish this degree, buy a house, save this much money..." Etc etc. every time they reached one goal point, he set a new one. Then lies started happening .. He was hiding his phone and covering truths. Finally they were divorced and he was with a new woman very shortly thereafter. By the time it all ended, she was mid thirties, past her child bearing prime. She had wasted her prime years and gotten nothing because he was too selfish to admit that would never want kids.
My heart cries for her. I hope for you that you don't get strung along to a point of no return. If he has promises of a future, he better be serious. He needs to understand how important it is for you, and how severely it affects your life. If he's not willing to give you a family, he needs to be honest and be willing to let you go. I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him every way in which his stalling and dishonesty can affect your life, and maybe set a deadline for yourself. [if he's not ready by ___, then you will move on because he's clearly not going to change his mind]
You sound intelligent - you will be the best judge of your situation and whether or not he can really settle down as promised. Please update us if you can.
~SY
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