A
male
age
51-59,
*rsaLoco
writes:I'm in love with a girl 11 years younger than me, (same age as my ex-wife) I met her on the internet about a year and a half ago. We met on youtube, and started communicating via email, then chat, then phone conversations. She lives two states away from me, about 8 hours and 26 minutes drive, 511 miles.We got very close over the airwaves. I asked her once if she would come and visit me, but she declined, saying she couldn't drive that far, and it hurt my feelings. I told her on the phone that I want to hold her in my arms, she said "You already have." I asked her what she meant by that, but she never said. About a year ago, she seemed to get cold and back off, she told me that I was going to meet someone, and not to worry about her. I told her "No, never, I love only you..." But she said that a certain person told her from the Spirit world. ...In the meanwhile, I met a girl who lived two blocks away, and I spent two strange weeks with her, over the holidays. We never had sex, but I slept in her bed a couple times, and I kissed her once. I felt guilty as hell over it. My beautiful one's four-legged friend passed, and I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I felt guilty for that as well. I told her the truth, as I always have. She was hurt, but... We patched things up new year's eve, but she said she only wanted to be friends now. I confessed my undying love for her. I sent her roses on her birthday.Now it's December again. We still talk on the phone, but not as often. I'm still madly in love with her, even though we haven't met in person. I think we were together in many past lives. I don't know what I should do. I might have a chance to go and see her next spring, if I get a break between jobs, but I don't know if she wants me to come see her. How do I find out if she is in love with me and hiding it? How do I find out the truth?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): I'm going to agree and disagree with what's been said already.
Thing is, the assumption is that flesh-and-blood physical relationships are 'real' but that something played out in letters or email or phone exchanges are not, and having been involved in both, I can say without reservation that for me that distinction is not so easy.
Fantasy and concealment is essential in all love relationships: using makeup and clothes to enhance our attractiveness, withholding thoughts and fears and insecurities, lies of omission and commission, we all engage in them to some extent or other, and they serve to create situations where we are not entirely connected with the ones we love.
But that's the thing, no one falls in love with the real person - we all fall in love with the fantasy, it's just how life is, and it's just easier to engage in the fantasy online, indeed, for some people (due to being married, or handicapped, or social anxiety), an online relationship might well be all they can handle or want.
And see, if you and she were both happy with the relationship being online only, who has the right to say that you and she would be wrong for that?
But you sound like you *do* want to meet, and she doesn't I mean, if she wanted you, she would make it very clear, and she hasn't, in fact, from the things you've written, it sounds like she has no intention of making the leap from online to the so-called 'real world,' and that being the case, you are probably going to have to give her up.
I'm sorry, my friend, I'm just being honest here - I don't think it's at all about being fantasy or real, it's about her wanting what you want, and she doesn't seem to.
I do wish you well. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Forgive my reply, as I'm direct, practical and base my advice around personal and professional experience, and reading your posting, first of all I'm extremely surprised a man of 41-50 would allow himself to be swept up in a ' VIRTUAL ' fantasy for so long without attempting to test the REAL chemistry and possibilities to form a relationship with this person.
You state: We met on youtube, and started communicating via email, then chat, then phone conversations." You have NOT MET AT ALL, viewing someone on a video, or webcam is NOT meeting, I know we have moved on with modern technology, but even with it's fullest possibilities, this is NOT a meeting.
Having read Agony Aunt Tisha-1's reply, I wholeheartedly agree with all she says, and I read it a couple of times, and it is refreshingly practical, full of good logical food for thought and advice.
More and more today, I'm seeing huge emotional fall-out from 'virtual relationships' this is what I do for a living, advice and help people with their relationships, so I feel I can speak with some experience, which is not meant in anyway to undermine your feelings, as I'm sure what you feel, is VERY real to you. But you must GRASP the reality here, to really be in love, in a conventional sense, where it could provide foundations to build a committed relationship, you have to have MET, DATED for some considerable time before any decisions can be made whether two people a re just infatuated or have real potential.
This distance you talk off, is NOT a reason to use NOT to have met. However, I do disagree with you inviting her to come to you for a FIRST meeting, as the guy, you should be willing to make the first journey across the two states, which has nothing to do with her not taking an equal part in coming to you at some point, but merely she may be concerned travelling alone initially to meet a man she has never set eyes on, and not having friends and family around.
So if you really believe this is love, GO TO MEET HER, book a flight and a hotel for YOU, NOT both of you, and TEST that chemistry. You can't keep living in a virtual world, it's not healthy and certainly not doing anything for you long-term. Ok the distance is not perfect, so what, nothing in life is - make the effort, and IF you do have something, then you work towards building something for the future, but IF not, then you are FREE emotionally to start finding a new partner.
Just some more quick facts here: Those meet online and build this kind of connection 9/10 when they actually meet, one or both are disappointed as what they felt virtually is NOT there in the flesh. This is a common situation arising when people don't meet SOON after they start virtually communicating. This is due to human beings being pulled in by the intangible as well as the physical 'chemistry' where ALL our senses come into play when we meet in person.
The virtual needs to stop, you need to MEET, be in the same room, talk face to face, and base your feelings on real facts!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Okay. I'm going to be a bit pragmatic and practical and blunt here. You are love with a girl you've never even been in the same room with? Hm. I'm sure she's fabulous and wonderful and spectacular and all that.
The reality is that neither of you have undertaken the long drive to see this amazing person in the flesh. Neither of you are doing what needs to be done to actually BE in the same room with the other person. I don't think that constitutes love. Sorry.
I think you are in love with the idea of her and are comfortable with the relationship you've cobbled together. But after a year and a half, someone should have been able to drive four hours one way and the other person could have driven four hours the other way and you could have met up for even a few hours.
As for that being a hardship, well, I have driven 3 hours one way (6 hours roundtrip) in one day a couple of times, to go see my family or friends. It's doable. It's not fun, it's not ideal, but it's doable if you have to be there. I've done 8-10 hour drives by myself many times. It can be done. It's not fun, it's not a blast, it's not wonderful. But it can be done. I made an 800 mile trip by myself to see my guy. It can be done.
If you want to see if she's in love with you, go see her. Ask her to meet you halfway if it's a hardship. Take your day off to go see her. If you can't make that work, then she's not in love with you. Simple as that. She may have feelings for you and have enjoyed your company but she's not prepared to change things for you.
I personally would give up on this one. It's just not viable, if you haven't made it into the same room after this long. I'm not saying you don't have genuine loving feelings for her, I'm just saying it's not really a workable situation. You have a limited amount of time here in this world. I'm concerned for you that you are fixated on a situation that is keeping you from meeting someone who might be available and nearby and someone who will actually be a realistic candidate for a romantic relationship.
How you find out the truth? BE with her in the same room. That will just be the start.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I think she loves you but doesn't trust you because of what you did with the other girl so she's scared you will cheat on her behind her back and get away with it since its LDR. I think that's why she just said she just want to be your friend. you have to decide who you want her or the other girl. LDR is hard anyway. I think you hurt her and she don't trust you.
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