A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'd love some advice about my situation...hoping you can help. Yes, the answers may seem obvious, but here's what's happened. I met a group of guys at my golf course about 20 months ago. They were older than me but fun. They had been friends for a while, and welcomed me into their regular group. Played with them for a few months at the end of the 2007 season. One of the three went to FL for the winter around November. The rest of us continued playing through the mild winter. When Christmas 2007 approached, I delivered a plate of Xmas cookies to the two remaining. One guy is mid-60's (widowed) but seems younger and we had become kinda buddies. The other is mid 50's and only saw him at golf. He had given me his card the first time we played, but I put it somewhere and forgot about it.Then, one day, we were talking about tee times for the next week and discussed who would contact whom. I got the sense that the 50's guy was very sensitive to the fact that i'd ignored his email and business card - Big ego! I delivered email regarding cookies to this guy and joked about having found his card for his email...then delivered goodies to his office, where there was definite sexual tension. He began emailing me and we emailed like crazy after New Year 2008...he was pursuing me even though he was married - said they were just 'friends' and he needed to 'play'. Said he was interested in something 'long term'. He said she understood this...i was very hesitant - but loved the attention and we had a very intense intellectual connection. A few weeks later we met alone in his office and messed around. We then have had a whirlwind affair for the next year and half until now. He was wild about me, and me about him. It has been wonderful but difficult for me because I am not about infidelity, and he considers himself high-profile in the community so don't think he'd ever leave his marriage - due to the shame and probably the $ he'd lose - lol. He's very charming and fun, but admits he needs to be in control - likes it. I found it hard to continue the development of our intimate relationship since i am not the one he chooses to be with all the time - he goes home. But it still continued, we have a strong connection. My sexual taste leans toward the nastier and so does his, but I did not feel 'free' to be 'completely free' and continue to develop the degree of nastiness, since we didn't see each other often enough and the tension regaridng the delicate 'marriage' situation. Came to my house a number of times, but difficult for general privacy due to we live very close to one another. Over the whole 18 months, I have been very communicative about my anxiousness regarding the situation, but am also very understanding and supportive of letting him be 'him'. That's just my way. He was always very comforting back and did try to improve things. It just never 'stuck' never really evolved in a positive direction.The truth is i know i've been used. He was always very responsive to my 'open communication' until more recently. We had exchanged 4,000+ emails last year and 1,000+ this year. I had asked him very early on - before we first were alone together - about what he does with his wife specific to intimacy. Do they touch? Kiss? more...? He had told me from the beginning that they do sleep together still, but no touching, etc... I asked and asked to be sure...he said he sleeps with her still due to the 'traditional nature' and wants to keep the peace. She is very religious and not attractive. He is movie-star attractive with a big ego...needs attention. I believe he has been loyal to me outside his marriage. He's a Taurus. We had a talk about a week and half ago and i asked him again about being in bed with his wife. This time, he said he kisses her on the cheek and that he does touch her in bed - only hugging to go to sleep. This made me extremely nauseous, and i told him 'i can't deal with that' - didn't state the following words but, i think it's a betrayl of intimacy to do that. i asked him, 'how can i deal with that'? It also make me think that he has intercourse with her every now and then - when he wants to cum...? I didn't say that because he said it doesn't happen, but i can't help wonder. If you are hugging someone in bed, then there is contact and men get aroused through contact, right? I'm guessing as a married man, he feels 'entitled' to do his wife whenever he wants to just cum....agreed? He rarely masturbates, so.....? Anyway, I would love to trust him, but feel as though he has perhaps been lying to me. He could think to himself that him saying he's not having 'sex' with his wife may mean he doesn't consider putting his cock in her occassionally is 'sex' - sex is something else he does with 'his slut'...?I got gradually sicker physically over the last several months and felt very very tired. Got a virus in March and was quite sick...discovered later I have a thyroid problem. My weight had been creeping up little by little over a few months. Thought it was due to the pill i'd been on, and that made my thyroid go 'off'. I know the relationship stress had fed into this too. So I gained about 15 pounds due to thyroid, but am still quite attractive anyway - only about 10 pounds up now. i wear it well considering. Still wear size 6, and some size 4, but clothes are tighter. He always says i look awesome, without my bringing it up. Well, (back) one year ago, i was kind of 'ousted' from the regular golf group once the FL guy came back. My guy said FL guy's wife saw me at the end of one of our golf games (spring of 2008) and was jealous. FL guy asked that he not play with me going forward to please his wife, so i was very hurt. Still played with the other guys occassionally, without FL guy, but i still felt bad about it. FL guy has been friends with my guy since childhood. However FL guy is a little nuts and kind of an asshole which my guy has said time and time again, but out of loyalty, remains friends.So back to 'now'. My guy said that since he just got membership in private club with 60's guy who already had it, they would be playing there occassionally, and that sometimes it is fun to play with 'just the guys'. I totally understand that and we still all have a lot of fun playing together when we do. They even invited me to their club one day. My guy and I also have gone golfing at other courses alone together.My guy and had the talk a week and half ago, and discussed our relationship. He said the 'being married to his wife' was likely not going to change because 1) she's the wife of his (two) kids, 2) she's been his wife, 3) they are friends, 4) he made a 'promise' - let me ask - how is it a promise when you are cheating...? He was with someone else (affair)from 1994-1998 and another from 2003 for 18 months. I knew this in the beginning - (stupid me.) Betrayal of intimacy and a lack of true intimacy seem to be his traits. We have had such a great connection and so many great experiences and conversations. I had no great notions of him getting divorced for me, but i deserve better...i feel stuck. In the beginning he said he would want to spend every day with me but that it would work to see each other a few times a week. Well, the sad average has been about an hour per week together - and that has been awesome, but so painful too, given that he decides to live and sleep with someone else. He said in our talk that he took advantage of our 'connection' by making it physical. To me, that sounds like a cop-out. Why do i still love him?Honestly, i feel that he is just tired of the hassle of trying to sneak around and meet with me...he feels guilty at not giving me what i need...then why did he start....and let it go on...? He is very busy with work and dinners, his father, etc etc...i feel like such a chump....but how do i self-respectfully exit...? I feel so jipped, and literally and figuratively 'screwed'. In our talk we decided to think about things and talk again. We haven't so far and he seems to be avoiding me now...no emails for 4 days (highly unusual) and we are golfing together with 60's guy tomorrow. Usually i bring him a thermos of my special coffee, but i feel i shouldn't tomorrow. Then, i feel like i should bring the coffee and just have a great time to 'bug him' and let him see it doesn't bother me. Is that silly? He said he had a crazy busy schedule this week and next weekend (memorial) his kids are in town, so he is only golfing once with 60's guy and FL guy. I feel i am receiving the 'slow dump' and have been off and on for some time now. I feel he has decided it is convenient for him to blow me off now when he really won't be seeing me for a week or more. Please help! And please don't beat me up with your response, because i know i've been stupid and should have expected more for myself from the start. I have just been the caring, giving 'me'. He gave me a heart necklace at Valentine's too. I don't know how to deal with this. Now he seems like a selfish coward. He probably is convincing himself that he is doing me a favor by not continuing to have contact lately, but I really believe he is just trying to 'not think about me' to make it easier on himself...save the self guilt trip.Please, i look forward to your suggestions. I have this urge to just move on, but another to deliver all the emails to his wife (it would be a HUGE book) so that he doesn't hurt someone else going forward. He said they have an 'don't ask - don't tell' thing between them. But she stays. She knows he's cheating as she has mentioned lip gloss sparkles on his face after seeing me. It's probably none of my business, but i feel dooped. I mentioned that I had keep all our emails in our last talk, and i think that freaked him out and he is worried what i might do with them. Since then there have been fewer and more conservative emails, still with sexual innuendos, though. He needs that. I also think he chats online with strangers for attention and probably always has. I just feels he is someone who cannot get enough ego boost. He must be very insecure at heart. He has also made grimmaces to me when stating how he has to travel with his wife to relatives...says he doesn't enjoy her company and that he is just 'paying dues'. I believe he just wants to be with me or someone like me to feel young.Thanks for your help.
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affair, christmas, divorce, infidelity, insecure, jealous, married man, move on, spark, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): 48 years, you may be wise and compassionate but remember it takes two to tango. both are wrong here. our dear anon female poster did not say NO.she consented to the affair. no use only blaming this MM. our poster is equally to blame. she enjoyed it while it lasted so she shouldn't now cry wolf when her MM is done with her. she deliberately engaged in her affair with this man. she knew he was married so why solely blame him. she knew the score, she accepted it at that time, now she wants to make it seem as though she is a "victim" here. please spare me......they both freely indulged with each other, they both enjoyed their sexual encounters. so our reader's existence as his mistress is over. she will move on to another (married?) man, and he will move on to another (victim??). so is life. it continues
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your follow up response '48 years' - you are a wise and compassionate woman. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (22 May 2009):
 Wow, so much excitement ... I hope the initial poster comes back to read this, and to understand that she was the victim here.
The man is addicted to power and uses subtle abuse to get it. His thrill is the thrill of manipulating women... women are woefully easy to manipulate as we all tend to hate each other around a player, instead of him. This suits him well because only a rare woman would care to admit to another woman that she has been played.
Ladies, save your anger for the man who broke his vows.. I've never yet met a man who was accidentally seduced without his consent, have you? As in woops, I fell and my p*nis slipped into her by accident?... he walked right on in and made himself comfortable despite having a previous obligation.
PLEASE put the blame where it belongs -- squarely on HIM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): You knew this man was married, you went into this affair with your eyes wide open. You knew the score – he would not leave his wife, you were just his f*ck buddy. You enjoyed it and you now cry wolf since he is slowly dumping you. You have become an unwanted burden in his life. You are grasping at straws and want to use the email against him and show his wife. What , pray do tell, do you expect to gain from this. You have already lost your morality to him. You did not care that he was married. You did not bother about this marital status yet you expect him to leave her for you. Not too clever for a mistress. A mistress knows her place, she should provide the sex, expect the good gifts given by her lover but not have any expectations.
Your lover made his intentions early on when your affair started. You accepted it, you know how the game is played. You cannot now want to change the way this game has been played.
Very silly of an intelligent woman like you to believe that this man is not having sex with his wife, how then did he impregnate her. Who is servicing her while he was having this mindblowing sex with you. Why he of course! Did you expect anyone else.? What mistresses do not realise is that wives too like having sex, that wives too have needs, that wives too like to f*ck. Mistresses like you only believe the f*cking is with you and not the wife. This is bullshit.
By opening your big mouth you will soon find yourself without your married man and without the golf boys club. You mess with your married lovers reputation then the fun begins. You know the rules darling.- f*ck and be f*cked in return, don’t expect any true explanation of family time, explanation of the wife. The rules of engagement when f*cking a married man is very simple. Abide by it and enjoy the gifts for services rendered. Don’t expect anything else. And please no nagging, then you start sounding like a wife. And you wouldn’t want this now would you.
your upstanding financially secure lover will not take too kindly with you outing him to his friends and to his wife. if you want to see nasty then just try using all his sexual communication against him. piece of work, all right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe other difficult part is that these guys had become a very important part of my social network...as odd as that sounds...the golf course is strongly my second home, and everyone there knows all of us, and knows that we are friends. I am a very private person and my closest friends are at great distances. I do like to be alone a good part of the time, but want the freedom to be around those I care about. So, as odd as it sounds, I do not want to lose his friendship. We ARE friends. I just wish I'd never let it go beyond that.
Is it possible to adjust to that? I have told him a few times that maybe we should just play golf. Tho I imagine seeing him will sicken me a bit and make me sad, too. Maybe it will make me feel good I am no longer 'with' him. Maybe being friends would be a way for me to 'adjust' back to the healthier dynamics that were so great before - if it's possible. Interestingly, he knows I don't take any crap from people. So that probably feeds his ego even more that I take it from him...and it also probably scares him...maybe that fact feeds his adrenaline, too.
I also believe that it would bother him to be around me knowing I know the real him...again the conflict with his own version of how he wants to see himself, right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response! Bingo - you are right ON! You know this guy as well as I do but I have chosen to continue looking for the good in him. I know it's not genuinely there. It's an act. And a pretty good one. It leaks out through his inconsistency in 'presence' from day-to-day. Shows that everything he does is only really about him. He joins every organization he can, every board, etc...makes him feel important, although he poses as a real down-to-earth, traditional guy. He does admit he loves the limelight.
In fact, while driving to meet him alone the first time, I experienced a very strong instinctive message in my head..."he is the devil." It sounds dramatic, but it is the truth. I should have turned around. I wanted to. It came out of nowhere, and I went anyway - IDIOT!!! It really pisses me off though that I have allowed him to do and CONTINUE to do what he is doing to me. Is it my curiosity about this person and his 'ways'...? He challenges himself by attempting the highest quality person he can...someone like me...accomplished, intelligent, attractive and (unfortunately) all-too-willing. There are many others he will surely hurt too. That is why I want to say something to someone. Perhaps the most dignified thing is to just blow HIM off.
Not only do I know darn well he has been 'abusing' me...but I have been abusing me through this self-destructive behavior. It's eaten me up...made me sick, really. I do know he cares for me (as I can serve him - and serve him WELL) and he knows I know him...but he never wanted to really know anything about me with regard to my past...I found that very odd...said in a cool way that he didn't need to know...I knew then (had a feeling) that it might be his way of protecting himself from investing in me emotionally...getting too close. Well we did get real close anyway.
Also, I appreciate your insight into the madonna/whore syndrome and I'd brought it up to him before...he denied it. And I'm sure he's turning away - slow, slooooow dump because I have chosen for some time to only have medium-nasty encounters...not even close to where I would and want to go...he knows he doesn't have the kind of sexual control over me that he craves. As well, he isn't even really that technically adept in the bedroom - lol. I've had MUCH MUCH better. Probably feels he doesn't need to be...but I feel he just doesn't know, which I find amusing. Gave pretty terrible oral sex very early on and never attempted it again. And it's not me...every lover I've had has been waaaay into it with me....and do you know why...? because they really cared about me and wanted to please me.
He has been soooo thoughtful in many ways outside the bedroom and in it too, but I really believe it is more an act than real. I know when we have had tender sex that it bothers him because it is too real, and confusing for him. He doesn't want to really connect with me. He just wants to control me and render thrills. He has no 'urgency' to be with me for - ME! Only when he has a specific craving he needs served. I am a source. He knows I'm not stupid. In fact he probably knows I'm way too smart for him.
I think he also worries about my values...my honesty...that it might create a debacle for him and his public persona. I'm not the hurting type, but I do want him to hurt like he's hurt me. I do not consider myself obssesive...that is why I've been bugged by this situation for most of it...it's as if I am playing the part he wants me to play...waiting, and I don't know for what.
*Any tips for how to handle tomorrow's golf round...?
Also, I would love to tell the 60's guy about this, but think it's best not to. I'm too ashamed of myself. 60's guy does care about me as a true friend.
Thank you
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A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (17 May 2009):
You are no dummy, and he's not crazy.
You already know, sweetheart, what the score is. This type of man believes he deserves to have you and also feels that he has to lie to you to keep you quiet and happy. He is a player, and feels entitled to have sex with anyone willing. He is genuinely remorseful when he hurts you, but it is a self-serving remorse because it offends the part of him that loves his public persona. He lies to you about his involvement and relationship with other women (his wife especially) because it makes him feel powerful. It's not his feelings that are wrong, he feels as deeply as you do, but it's his value system and his way of thinking. He loves his high profile and will avoid damaging it at all costs. He does nasty and vibrant (not tender) sex with you because it makes him feel like an awe inspiring sexual animal. He does tender sex with his wife because that fits his image of how he should be.
He has been abusing you because abuse is a way to gain control over someone, and that is what he really craves. Part of the way he regains control is to give you the long, slow goodbye until YOU'RE now the one bending over backwards to please and excite him. This is what he waits for--you're hooked. He loves the feeling of power over you.
PLEASE! Do not answer the phone if he calls...start today. Free yourself and develop your own inner beauty. Staying with him has become an obsession for you, and is not about LOVE, it's about regaining the admiration he felt for you initially. He is garbage,...be glad you're not his wife.
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