A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my wife and I have been married for twenty three years, recently she said she wanted to try a mmf threesome. She met a guy online who is older than her and after getting to know him we agreed to do it. The first two times we all had fun, the third time I felt like the third wheel. Now last night she tells me shes developed feelings for him and wants to stay the night with him sometime. She swears she still loves me but this is something she wants. I feel like I have been gut punched. I have told her I want her to be happy, I just thought it would be with me. I cant sleep, cant concentrate at work and she still wants me to be friends with this guy. She just says they fit well together. Should I just realize that I trusted her and she lied and consider the marriage dead??
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2016):
 So the 3-some was her idea, which makes sense when you look at the scenario as it has played out so far.
I fully agree with YouWish - He wasn't a "friend" - he was (is) a guy she wanted a sexual experience/relationship with. She didn't want to get "caught" cheating so she suggested a 3-some, that way she can always claim that YOU wanted it too. She got to test ride him 3 times with you in the bed too and decided that YES, she wants him as her lover. Which I suspect was her motive from the get go.
So you have to decide WHAT do you want.
If you want to stay married and work on whatever made her stray (if possible) I'd sit her down and explain WHY you don't want to be this guy's "friend" and why you don't think her continuing to see him sexually or socially is good for the marriage. She will then have to choose - does she want HIM or you and the marriage.
IF she chooses you, you two need to have some LONG talks about boundaries, you might even consider a sex-therapist. She might have felt sexually neglected by you or she might just be a selfish woman.
If she chooses him, do what's BEST for you. If that means ending the marriage, filing for divorce etc. then so be it. THAT was her choice to not put the two of you first, but her sex-life and herself.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2016):
 as a former swinger who's current marriage is a NOT sharing EVER relationship I can see how this happened.
It's pretty much HOW I ended up with the current spouse.
She wanted permission to cheat. Asking full out to have an affair is not kosher but offering a 3-some is fine. Then it escalates and then it's "time alone"
In my case, my then husband actually wanted out of the marriage so he was happy to encourage the boy on the side.
If you value your marriage and want to stay together tell her that. And prepare for her to be sad and mope and sulk.
IF she's truly committed to you that's the worst of it. A dream lost. IF she wants out of the marriage she will figure out how to make it happen or she will lie and cheat.
she wants her cake and eat it too.... marriage security with you and sexual newness with him. Depending on you and how forgiving you can be you may be able to weather this betrayal.
she TECHNICALLY is not cheating IMO since I define cheating as "anything you can't won't or don't tell your partner"
getting permission to cheat takes the guilt off of her.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 This guy is not your friend, regardless what your wife wants, he never was, isn't and never will be YOUR friend!
Personally, I think you need to line your ducks up in a row, get hold of any cash and other holdings from joint accounts and put them where only you can access. Get all your important papers, and other stuff that is important to you, such as historical family photos, keepsakes and other items of financial or sentimental value, put them somewhere safe .... and then give the ultimatum, either she has nothing more to do with this man or the marriage is over.
It could be over already, and she may have already squirrelled away personal papers and accounts etc, if she has her intentions are not honourable .... if you do it you are safeguarding YOUR future.
Whatever happens I hope you are able to come out the other side with your integrity and self worth intact.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Someone is always extra in any arrangement larger than two, and your situation proves the point. Your marriage is not dead yet, but it will be and should be once she hooks up with that guy, whether you approve or not. Like others have said, she wanted to "legitimize" her infidelity by appealing to your fantasies and you fell for it. Now it's too late to take it back.
You are put in the corner so draw a line in the sand: no more 3somes, you will divorce if she goes with that guy. If she does, then divorce, however painful that may be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2016):
 In this case, she suggested the threesome because she already wanted to cheat on you with this guy, and her suggestion of a threesome was her way of trying to "make it legal" with the pretense of making it a "mutual fantasy" between the two of you. Like you said, by the third time, you felt like the unwanted "third wheel" because, unfortunately, you were.
The clincher was her then pressing the issue of seeing him on her own, which was her goal all along. She met him before she suggested the threesome, meaning she was already flirting and getting on with the sexual conversation before ever talking to you, meaning she was being disloyal.
Now it's gone too far. If she hasn't already cheated on you, then she hasn't yet lied, and you need to stand up and say "this is over". Tell her she needs to make her choice, but you will not stand by while she cheats on you with him, and that's the end of it.
She can't hedge her bets by getting strange on the side while pretending that *you* opened Pandora's box with the threesome so therefore it's not quite cheating. That's called grooming and manipulation of you on her part. Call her on it. It doesn't matter if you and she and this other guy had 99 threesome sessions...if she has sex with him, it's just as much cheating as if you never had the threesome and you didn't know the guy.
Not only that, but you need to tell her to cut off communication with the guy too, OR the marriage is over. That is NOT unreasonable.
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