A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im Not sure what to do about my reationship.I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years now and living with her for the last 2 yrs.We have never had intercourse yet because she is scared of getting pregnant and probably would like the security of marriage and I don't have a problem with that.However I would like to have a more physical intimate relationship with her as at the moment we don't have this. When we first moved in we were intimate with each other about every 2-3 weeks but this has gradually gone down to about every 6 months. We are both virgins and I understand that she is shy etc but I can't understand why she is reluctant to be intiamte with me. When I try to get intimate she always comes up with an excusse not to.I have tried to talk to her about this on several occasions but she never says anything and just trys to brush the subject off and does not appear willing to address the situation.I have told her that I can wait for full intercoures untill we get married and only want to be intimate as we were when we first moved in together. I am not asking for anything we hav'nt already done.I would marry this girl and I have thought about asking her on her 30th bithday in 6 months time but latley I have been having doubts as I fear her lack intimacy will continue into marriage and this scares me.I just don't now wither to ask her to marry me to try and move things on or just to end the relationship before it is too late.
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both virgins, moved in, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rorowes  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Marriage is not just a piece of paper, but it doesn't grant your every wish either. Marriage is not the answer in this case. If she is not communicating with you, that is a serious problem, more so than the lack of intimacy. Couples counseling could help with this, but she has to talk to you in some fashion. The next time you bring it up to her, let her know that this effects the future of your relationship, or lack there of. If she still insists on not sharing intimacy with you, then it may be time to move on. I hope it all works out for the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Sadly, you may have to pretend that other women are interested in you in order for her to go the extra mile. I know a lot of women who show no interest in having sex for one reason or another, but who become sexual animals once they suspect that their guy has other women interested in him. Maybe you can talk a lot about a new coworker whom you have lunch with, etc. In fact, getting a few real female friends may help. You may be surprised at how quickly she turns around.All you will be doing is get her to focus on what's important -- the relationship -- as opposed to whatever selfish reason she may have.If you hanging out with other women don't awaken her fighting instinct, then you have a bigger problem than just sex.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (1 May 2008):
 It sounds to me she has a real problem with sex for some reason, you can stop getting pregnant easily so there must be something else preventing her. You need to sit and talk to her and maybe even suggest counselling for any previous trauma or sex counselling. Its nice that youve stuck it out so long you must really love and respect her x
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Wow it is very rare indeed that a couple who co-habitate are still virgins and even rarer in England that they are nearing thirty too.
Have you guys ever discussed contraception? I would take a trip to the local family planning clinic, I mean you are adult enough to live together, surely you are adult enough to use contraception. Do you guys come from a strict religious background, where premarital sex is frowned upon?
This is the only advice I can give you guys,I will wait and see what the other aunts think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Maybe there are other deep-seated reasons for her reluctance, but it's a worrying factor that she's not willing to discuss it.
I'd certainly be very wary of entering a marriage that threatened to be a celibate one unless I was quite happy about that state of affairs.
She could go on the pill and you could also use condoms so I doubt that a fear of pregnancy is a prime reason for her reluctance. It's only a guess, but has she perhaps been abused - or worse- in the past? Shyness seems unlikely too, especially if you've been living together for two years. Marriage doesn't give security anyway - it's just a piece of paper, so any security is purely a state of mind.
Be cautious. Very cautious.
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