A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am really in a difficult situation that I wrote about on here before and took people's advice about, but the situation is somewhat worse after acting upon it. I apologise profusely for the length of this post.Basically, I have been being manipulated by a colleague who initially proposed me to his boss to cover for him whilst he was abroad for six weeks. His boss was so impressed by my work that he offered me more work, but only on a yearly, temporary contract. It's part time, but pays really well, though not quite enough for me to live on. So far, the contract has been renewed twice (each year) since the original short stint that I did, and my hours have grown to almost double. I work in a highly competitive field and this job is like gold dust, people would absolutely kill to get it and everyone knows that these jobs initially come via personal recommendation, so there's no point in formally applying for them.Problem is that, after arranging for me to cover for him, the guy was just about to go away to America and he confessed he was nuts about me. Now, this was a total shock and very unwelcome; not only is EVERYONE convinced he's gay (or in denial about being gay) because he's so camp, he is ten years YOUNGER than I am and I find him singularly repulsive. He was introduced to my by my (then) partner and, as he is married for several years now and never showed any sign of flirting with me, I assumed it was safe to develop a form of friendship with him - by this, I mean it was mainly in the presence of my ex partner before I started the work and, after I started the work, it was mainly work related with the occasional lunch or drink after work, usually always initiated by him.At the time he first told me how he felt, I was in no fit state to receive that kind of attention from anyone and he KNEW this - he KNEW I was going through an enormously difficult period and that I've had a very, very difficult life coming from a very dysfunctional background - this only came out because, on the one occasion I did meet his wife, she grilled me in a very disarming way about my up- bringing - pretending to be nice and caring but actually interrogating me. She is cut off from her own family, so I think in his mind there are a lot of similarities between me and her - we look kind of similar too.Anyway, this first time, I told him as politely as I could that I didn't feel the same and also expressed to him that I was very upset that this had come out just before I was due to start work to cover for him; it made me feel like this was part of his plan all along and whilst I know I'm good at my job, it felt like he was trying to a. get sexual favours b. look great to his own boss via association with me because I'm actually far better qualified than him and have much more temporary experience, just never a permanent post. He apologised and confessed he suffers from extreme depression behind the scenes - he then tried to kiss me several times and I have to say these were momentary but the WORST kisses I have ever been on the receiving end of - basically like someone bearing down onto you with no sensitivity whatsoever - totally repulsive. I told him to stop and that this was unacceptable, that I was not interested - but after that he kept emailing from america saying he was in a terrible state and things were falling apart with his wife because she was forcing him to have a baby and he didn't want to. I felt trapped into maintaining some form of friendship with him because I was scared he'd go off the rails and I'd be implicated just after I'd started this work - and my new boss would blame me. What really threw me for six is that, in his head, just because he'd tried to kiss me several times, he thought that we were "close to having sex", whilst for me I just wanted to escape ASAP. What upsets me is that he acts all innocent in this, saying things like he can't believe that he is behaving like this, as a married man - as if it is all just somehow happening to him and he has no sense of responsibility for what he does. It's slightly unhinged. And I never, ever flirt with him - honestly I don't, and he's acknowledged this.The other thing to mention is that my boss is gay and totally ADORES this person, whom he's worked with for nearly five years now. They are very close and flirt with one another all the time. Other staff are absolutely convinced he receives favouratism at work because of this. The other thing to say is that he's also ADORED by my boss's boss, who is an older woman and totally blind to this person's ulterior motives; she dotes on him like a mother and has helped him enormously in his career. Finally, he is also favoured by an older man, who is the boss of my boss's boss ie. top dog - this man so very obviously sees himself in this person and has basically given him a leading role now, which would have had hundreds of applications from far more qualified people and which he is barely qualified for. Another older man resigned in protest about that promotion and the fact that another job which was advertised (the one this person left behind) was given to another guy, behind the scenes, months in advance of being publicly advertised (ie. the advert was a total facade) - I say this just to illustrate that there's definitely an inner politics going on that's not transparent.Anyway, fast forward to 3 years later: there have been four major 'confessons' where this guy basically drags me into conversations about his feelings for me - eg. he guilt tripped me as we were leaving work one day, looking suicidal and suddenly saying he couldn't carry on - I had no choice but to go with him for a drink (of water!) and listen to him pouring his heart out about his wife and his feelings for me. Similar situation two more times, with the last time being that, by now, his wife was 3 months pregnant AND he'd just received the promotion at the same time that I'd applied for - but didn't get - a permanent post at the same company we both work as. the promotion has undoubtedly gone straight to his ego - he even sounded like a different person in the way he talked and was totally oblivious to the idea that a. as a 'friend' he could have offered to help me prepare for my interview b. if a friend doesn't get a job when you get a great promotion the LAST thing you do is go on and on about the latter and ignore what your friend is feeling.The last time he did this I was so shocked - it was very surreal, almost as if he is on another planet and oblivious to the fact he's been a crap friend - as I'd taken advice from this site and just very tactfully avoided any contact with him without causing a fuss about it, I thought he'd just come to terms with the idea that we were 'growing apart' (even though we were never actually close ) and would remember my repeated and clear indications that I'm not interested. I couldn't believe he was still saying this after impregnating a wife who, three months earlier, he'd told me he wanted to leave. What's very clear to me is that he is a person who plays "the long game" and is totally calculating about how to do that. All along and from the start, he had in mind to woo me, jump into my life (he knows I own my flat outright whilst he doesn't and had a lot of debt prior to getting this job) and leave his wife. He has told me he basically has NO real sexual experience other than with his wife - who, from what he says, sounds like she trapped him into living with her almost immediately they met and then trapped him into marrying her and then forced him to have a child he doesn't want - all because he is terrified of being alone, absolutely terrified of it. This all came out when he confessed he didn't want a child because he felt smothered and trapped. It's been almost impossible for me to avoid any talk about this due to the fact that I also had to keep 'well in' with his/our boss if I wanted to keep my contract. ie. I had to have some semblance of friendship with him and I feel he KNEW this and calculated upon it.Anyway, after this last outburst I just could not face contact with him anymore. I was so sickened by the whole situation and he'd actually been a terrible 'friend' during all this time - I'd become so tense in case he was developing more feelings for me that I couldn't relax but, moroever, he is TOTALLY self absorbed - just like his horrible kisses, there is no sensitivity whatsoever to me as a person - yet he seems to project fantasies onto me that very clearly stem from sexual frustration, but which he thinks are unique feelings for me.He confessed all of his feelings again, saying things like "the situation is impossible, I'm a married man with a child on the way, so what could I possibly offer you" - after I'd done absolutely nothing to indicate I wanted him in any way!!! He then said to let him know what I thought - and I just thought "I CANNOT" do this anymore. I was so upset, I confessed to my ex partner who just wants to kill him. Anyway, after that, he wouldn't accept that I didn't want to be in contact with him, he kept texting emailing and forcing me to answer - work was starting up again and there was this terrible tension knowing I'd have to see him and he has the upper hand - I'm totally disposable to this company - although liked but not included as I'm only part time and temporary - whereas he is seen as invaluable and loved by them. Finally I answered asking him to please understand I was very upset and just didn't want to respond, so could he please respect that - but no, he didn't and he kept insisting that I say what I wanted to happen. When I didn't respond, he made sure to go to an evening session at work where he knew I would be because it was targetting women, and although I left early to avoid him afterwards, he made sure to run after me and follow me down the street, even when I said I didn't want to talk to him and asked him to leave me alone - he still kept following me until I shouted at him to go away.Even after that he kept emailing me, to the point where I finally had to say I couldn't be friends but would cooperate in any work matters with him. He responded very immaturely to this, and sent an email that was basically along the lines of "I refused to feel intimidated by this, I will do what I like at work and if you don't like it then it's your problem and you're paranoid - so if you get upset because I join in with your meetings etc (which are nothing to do with him but which he could sit in on because my boss adores him) then you're paranoid". And recently he did come and sit in on the end of one of my staff meetings that has absolutely nothing to do with him - you can probably imagine how I felt.After he followed me, I went in confidence to a member of staff appointed to deal with sexual harassment in the institution and explained everything to her. She said she was very willing to come and explain everything to my line manager - but the problem is, she seemed not to be able to take in the fact that my line manager may as well be in love with him - and all the managers above him - and that I am disposable - really they could simply not renew my contract and that would be the end of that. I told her I would wait to see if it just died down - and for a while it did, but then he came to this meeting the other day and has now been sending me texts and emails - our boss is having a private party (to which I have NOT been invited) and he wanted to know if I had been invited and if I was going. He tried to make this seem reasonable, saying that he didn't fancy negotiating an event where I 'refuse' to speak to him. I didn't respond but the next day and the next day after that there were more insistent texts and finally an email saying that, if I don;t respond, he will have "no choice" but to explain the situation to his boss and to explain that I am displaying "animosity" to him. When I read this I felt sick - because I know this will mean he will absolutely skew things to get his boss to not renew my contract. I have racked my brains about what to do and finally answered him via my work email - which is what the sexual harassment advisor suggested I do. I just said "no, I'm not going". But inside I am so upset. a. not to be invited when I thought my boss and I actually got on really well now. b. to have to even tell this rat what my actions are, so that he can benefit from them.Can anybody please, please advise me what to do now? I am so worried that he will always hold this over me and every time he contacts me I feel sick - believe me, he is in this job for life now and will never move. Friends suggest telling his wife but I can't do that to a pregnant woman and I feel this would, without doubt, cause him to find a way to get rid of me in the workplace. Other friends have confirmed my fear that, if I speak out, it will definitely be me who is seen as the problem. I love my job, I have outstanding reports back about it,but am on a knife edge it feels like - and it would be impossible for me to get a job elsewhere as the market is DEAD right now and he knows this. There is a patriarchy at play in the institution, which this older woman is part of even as a female - I now she often rents out a cottage with her partner and invites all these managers to holiday together. What should I do?
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at work, co-worker, confidence, debt, flirt, immature, married man, my boss, my ex, older man, period, text, trapped, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): Thanks so much everyone for your responses, I appreciate you taking time to think about me. Actually, I think it's correct to point out that he feels he can do this because I am a single woman. I do feel that, if I had a male partner who had power in this same field - though not necessarily the same institution - he would not dare to do any of this - and that makes me really sad, that a man can instinctively prey upon a single, vulnerable woman just because there's no other guy around.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 December 2014):
 Such a difficult situation for you OP and I really feel for you. You have been on the receiving end and it seems that there is so much sexual politics at play that it's just plain disgusting.
OP the man is question is undoubtedly sick. He's hell-bent on ruining your career just because you didn't give in to his advances and he thinks he can get away with it because he has the top dogs in his corner.
As the other aunts have mentioned, make a record of every single thing that he or anyone else tells you in this regard and contact a lawyer outside of work. Something within me tells me that he doesnt really "love" you; he's just doing this to make things really difficult for you. How do we even know that the senior management is not a part of this? Maybe they DO know about all of this? I find it very hard to believe that all the managers are in love with him...that's just ridiculous!!
He's either messing with you just because he can...you're a single woman who's successful and he cant stand that or there is some bigger ploy behind all of this to get rid of you. Its like harassing you to a point so that you quit voluntarily because these people have no grounds to throw you out.
I strongly suggest you start looking for other work OP but a long as you're here, consult a lawyer and take these people to the cleaners. Keep a record of every call, every email, every phone call. I don't know if its possible but it would be really good if you could record your telephonic conversations with this guy, obviously without his knowledge.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): Jeez I would report this guy to the police but I know this would be too difficult but seriously - he's a freaking lunatic and has quite clearly harassed you.
You say you own your place outright- just leave. Block his emails, his number everything and for god sake always keep your door locked until he might just realise you cannot stand him. If you're not willing to report him them just get out of there.
I know you say the market is dead and there's not another job like this one but surely anything is better than putting up with his manipulative stalking of you - because it's what he is doing.
If he tries to contact you never reply but save everything because then you really would have some decent evidence for reporting him to the police and getting him banned from contacting you.
If you own your place then your financial responsibilities are lower surely? I would sacrifice good pay and a few luxury treats or items for my own safety and mental health.
If you don't leave - save EVERTHING he sends, don't delete missed calls or texts keep them all to build up a picture to take to the police.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): I think you need to keep detailed records (texts, emails, journal oral conversations, etc) and see about pursuing this harassement case outside of your work. Definately keep your HR report updated too though, so if they do decide to "not renew your contract" then it would be considered retaliation. Talk with a good lawyer and they will instruct you on what to do. I know judges and juries tend to find against companies/people that evidence any kind of retaliation, and with that settlement I am sure you would have lots of time to explore a new career.
Sorry that you would have to leave a job you like, but sounds like you might be better off in a workplace that was not so hostile.
Good luck, thanks for the update.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): Thanks female reader anonymous. It never occurred to me that he's actually jealous of me - he's told me he thinks I've got the most amazing brain and that I'm beautiful and unique - but maybe he does feel threatened by the fact that I'm better qualified. Without doubt I feel that all this time he has done things to try to keep me 'in my place' - even as a 'friend' he would try to 'squash' what I said in meetings if he felt my/our boss got excited by what I said. But thanks for saying I should fight my corner, I really appreciate it coming from another woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): U need to keep copies of emails he's sent to u and any u sent to him these will show u asked him to leave u alone and his childish replies that he wont , also keep a log of when he's "seeing" u out of work hours I.e he's going out of his way n running after u to catch up. U need to contact citizens advice and explain ur situation as they will know legal side of things of if its harrasment, he sounds like he's jealous of u so "scares" u into feeling the way u are and hoping u will leave I wouldn't give in fight ur corner
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 December 2014):
 What's more important to you, your happiness, peace of mind and yes SANITY, or this job? Appears you can't have both.
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