A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife is 38 and a talented performer (singer and actress) who couldn't pursue her career when she was younger because she had a controlling first husband and abandoned her dreams. Now, she would like to pursue her "last chance" to make it. She has already found the contacts and resources to develop a number of concerts and shows in the local area. With luck, this could grow. She wants to pursue this strongly over the next five years. We have the financial ability to let her do so. We have a blended family of children, and I wonder what the impact to them and me could be while my wife pursues her dream. She says she won't let her career impact her family. Another concern is that she has talked about doing various "beauty enhancements" (lipo, breast implants, botox) to make her appearance more youthful - it is a competitive business. She is willing to get a part time job to pay for these beauty improvements. My wife is very talented and I really am not sure how successful she could be, or how hurt she might be if her efforts fail. But, I feel she would be even more hurt if I didn't let her try or support her. My question is this, How supportive should I be of her dreams? When should I say no? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, H2H +, writes (15 March 2008):
There is really very little choice here. She has a dream that she abandoned in her youth for the sake of a relationship. She wants, no, *needs* to pursue it now.
The "beauty enhancements" issue is tricky, especially since she's willing to work part-time to pay for them.
It would be wise to have a 3rd party involved, preferably a pro, in this to help her find the easily overlooked line between enhancing her prospects and getting lost in superficialities and diminishing returns.
A big concern is it her being "her 'last chance' to make it."
It's a tricky path for you to tread since she has untried dreams which her first husband forbade. Very easy for you to fall into the role of 'unsupportive husband' in *her mind.*
Ultimately, a marriage requires both people to sacrifice for the sake of the *relationship* itself, not the other person.
And if you can, try to steer her and yourself to stop being concerned with "making it." The real issue is her dream of performing itself.
All the rewards flow directly from the doing. Chasing the rewards will inevitably short-circuit the dream. It's loving what you are doing that engenders the adoration of fans.
People can tell if you're "living out your dream" or dreaming of "making it." Might sound a bit silly, but I've been in the 'biz' myself.
Help her to see that it's all about "performing for the love of performing": art for art's sake. Then how well received her efforts are will range from some people "get me" to a lot do instead or ranging from failure to success.
--H2H
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Hi There,
Even as a husband, youdon't have the right to say yes or no to somebody! Your wife can do what she likes as can you!
You sounds very supportive, but your remark 'when should i say no' is quite worrying!
As a singer myself, I wouldn't recommend your wife have cosmetic surgery. I believe that talent shines through above all else, and having plastic surgery is buying into an ideal that is wrong! It's about the talent at the end of the day! It is a competitive business, but these days with My Space and digital technology, an artist can get a very long way on their own, and with their talent, rather than fake appearences.
I would contine to be the loving and supportive husband that you seem to already be, and if she wants your advice, just be honest and say what you think! She cantake it or leave it but I don't think you have the right to give permission or not give permission!
I hope she does really well! x
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (15 March 2008):
 I can understand why your wife wants to look more youthful, even though she is very talented. The music industry seems to focus on bringing in attractive young talented people. I know a girl who also is very talented, but cannot get a record deal because of her age. She is about 42 yrs old.
These "beauty enhancements" are very dangerous proceedures. And, after having them done, she may still find that it will not help her chances of having a carreer. You sound like a great hubbie, I think you should support her in what ever she wants to do. Because if you don't, it would build resentment in her towards you... thinking that because of YOU, she was held back from a chance of a lifetime. Know what I mean?
Good luck.
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