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female
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*ack Bauer's lover
writes: Hi,I'm really confused at the moment.I have a lovely boyfriend whom I have been with for many years - we both love eachother very much and he means more then the world to me.Recently I discovered he had a second email address that he had not told me about. I discovered this completely by accident as I went to sign into my account on his computer and I seen the address as it was on “remember me.”We have a very open and honest relationship, so I asked him about it almost immediately.He said it was for all the crap emails as he signs up to porn sites (he does not use paysites) so I wasn’t hurt if I looked in his “real” email and seen them.I am complete fine with him using porn sites – I know it’s a man thing, and I see no problem with him looking at women, who in all honestly, are not real. He also said I could have a look, and the password is the same as his real email. I said no because I trust him.The next day he told me he was deleting the account, and I told him he didn’t need to do so, as I had no worries – if what he told me was true, then I did not mind at all. Later that night he called me and said that some of the stuff on it was incriminating. I asked what kind of stuff, and he said he didn’t know what I found incriminating. So whilst he was on the phone to me, I tried to log into the account. He didn’t know what I was doing, but he had already given me permission the day before to look in it. He had told me that the password was the same, however it wasn’t.I’m really worried, I have a major problem with him using dating sites, webcam sites, (especially now that he has a phone that is a webcam too.) and things like that. I told him these are the only things I am worried about and he said he doesn’t use these sites, but I am concerned why he lied to me that the password was the same as his other account, which it isn’t, and why suddenly he wants to delete it. His reason for deleting was because it was his secret from me, that he didn’t mean for me to discover. But I have no secrets from him.To be honest, I think this has knocked my trust in him slightly. I love him so much but I am very confused, I have so many questions, the main being:1) Why did he keep it a secret from me?2) Why all a sudden does he want to delete it – I want to know what he has to get rid of.3) Why did he lie about the password thing?4) what else is he hiding from me?Thank in advance guys, I needed to get this off my chest.ThanksJade
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): If you have to ask this question, you already know the answer. Fall forward fast because one person is more committed to honesty than another in this relationship - I bet you know who that is...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): So glad it's worked out Jade!
It may be hard for your bf to cut cold turkey on porn, even if he wants to. Make sure that he's not scared to tell you the truth if he slips. Let him know that you will try to create an environment where he feels safe to tell you anything in his heart, and that the one thing that could really hurt you is to be lied to or left in the dark.
Lots of people are having porn addictions these days. It's okay when single, but surfing porn in a relationship is like stopping off at McDonalds' to stuff your face even though you know your partner works hard to put hot home-cooked meals on the table. It's stupid and inconsiderate.
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A
female
reader, Jack Bauer's lover +, writes (25 June 2008):
Jack Bauer's lover is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Guys,
Thank you all very much for your help.
Yesterday me and my partner had a lovely meal and we returned home where he decided to take a shower.
His computer was on, and I though hard to myself what I was about to do. I decided to look at his browsing history, but no matter what I found, I would tell him what I had done.
I found sites of webcam room, live chat, and dating sites. I sat and cried until he came out of the shower and asked what was wrong. I told him what I had found and asked how far things had gone.
After a little argument, the “you shouldn’t have gone through my private stuff” we both sat down and talked.
Basically this had all come about from Thursday of last week, when he was playing an online game, and the other players asked if he had webcam. One thing lead to another, and before he knew it he was on AdultFriendFinder. He promised me that he had spoke nothing sexually to the girls, and he told me which girls he had spoken to, and he told me exactly what he had done.
He also said how he wanted to tell me about this, and how he secretly wanted me to find it.
We both talked it out, and he promised sincerely he would never do it again.
I trust him 100%
We are both now stronger then before, and our relationship I believe, is now very open and honest.
Thank you again guys,.
Jade x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): This is the problem with the internet, in the old days porn was limited to a magazine or movie that they had to go somewhere and buy...so men really didn't look at much of it at all compared to today.
In this day and age, some men look at porn every day for hours and they become desensitized to it's affect and then guess what.....they need to turn it up a notch to get the same 'jolt' or effect. Where does that lead them? Many times into areas that they would never dream of going.....they just follow this porn path to destination 'oops, I didn't mean to do that'
My guess is that he progressed into adult dating sites or live chat rooms....but your guess is as good as mine.
You might want to ask him.....hmm...what exactly did you have there that I wouldn't approve of? He will give you a little bit of the truth, but not all of it....do you want to deal with this progressive disease in your relationship? I can almost guarentee that you will get to the point where you are NOT ok with his online activities...oops, you're already there..you need to talk to your mate
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): The Internet is causing more relationship breakdown than anything else, becaused of the endless opportunities for contacting people and the sex and porn industry.
He did have something to hide because he deleted the address. Whether or not you can trust him is up to you and your feelings. If it were me I would talk to him first and ask him what he was looking at.
You could hint that you know something and unless he is honest you feel that your relationship is in doubt. It may be anyway once you know, but it would be better to know from him.
If you find you want to trust him but that you need evidence that you can, you may have to test things further.
Look up a website called Webwatcher. It is a totally invisible bit of software that can not be picked up by anything already on your PC, Norton, Adaware or anything else. It is not expensive, all you have to do is download it online when he is out. The technical help is exemplary.
Then you can log into your computer from anywhere, any other PC or the one you use at home and see every word he types, every email sent, passwords and websites visited.
It works by creating a website that is yours and pulling his activity onto that. So, when you loo you are looking from a remote location. Give yourself some time, a limited period to check, then remove it perhaps.
You don't want to get obsessed, but if I were you I would want to know that I could trust him. It would be a bit tough on you to expect you to trust him out of thin air and I am not sure he would be able to reassure you enough himself. It may be a shameful phase, if it involves being unfaithful I would want to know. You can make him face the consequences and move on together, ot decide not to be with him. Courage.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 All the questions you have just asked us you really need to ask him face to face, only he has the answers there...
Obviously there are things on that account that he knows you would not approve of, maybe emails sent by other women, contacts you know nothing of, maybe just pornographic content he knows you wouldn't approve of, who knows, but you know if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have deleted the account and wouldn't have lied about what the account was created for in the first place.
You need to be honest with him and tell him how this has made you feel, hopefully the account has gone for good, you will need to know that you can trust him with regard to the computer in the future.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Hi Jade,
yeah I'd be worried too. But I can tell you must have a really trusting relationship.
I think it is healthy to keep some things to yourself, as you are an individual...keep the mystery of you there somehow. Well this is what I have learned from some wise people. But with regards to him thinking you'll find someting incriminating on there...well obviously he thinks so and that is him being honest...otherwise why would he have retracted on giving you his password to have a look for yourself.
I think you definately need to have a sit down clear the air talk about this with him. Ask him what he did not want you to see...
The questions you asked on your post should be questions you definately ask him!
Good luck Jade...thats a really difficult situation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Ok you got a point, his behavior does seems a little suspect, and the fact that after he supposedly explained the reason for keeping the extra email account secret he still felt a need to talk about it and explain himself futher only adds to the mystery!
While you shouldn't jump to conclusions, I would suggest you that you two should have a sit down and you should voice your concerns and suspicions to him and give him the oppurtunity to come clean with you about what's been going on!!!!!!!
as for your questions about his behavior, here's my guesses
1. Beause he's doing something other than porn, that he's knows would either hurt you or destroy your relationship!
2. Because he scared shitless that you may already know something or that you did find something shady in his account and this is his way of trying to back track!
3. Prehaps he didn't lie about it at first, he simply could have changed his password after you found it and decline not to look in it after his explanation!
4. Could be anything, he could possibly have an account on a dating site, where he's probaly listed as single( you'd be surprise how many people do this) and is possibly corresponding with another woman via email, but i'm just speculating here!
In any case you should just sit him down, talk it out and get to the bottom of this before more possible harm is done to the relationship and more trust is lost!
Good Luck Jade, hope it works out!
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