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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I have been with my b-friend for almost 4.5 years now. It's certainly been a rollercoaster ride. I really don't know where to start without sounding as though I'm trying to blame my b-friend over I. He's very strong-willed, competitive, bright, focussed, diligent, tidy and has a number of other characteristics that don't exactly come natural to me. The trouble was there from the beginning, in our first month he insisted that I had financial problems - yes, and no. I was 25 and had a £1,000 loan, but to my b-friend I might as well have been in debt to the value of £100000. At that point, I had no credit cards or debt.Over the years, I seemed to have developed some sort of depression partially due to the fact that I didn't ever feel worthy or good enough for my b-friend. I loved him so much, but he always seemed to have problems with me, I could never win. I suffered from depression, tried to commit suicide twice, neither times were cries for help, I was completely serious in both attempts, but failed (obviously). Through it all my b-friend was there for me, but still not there if you know what I mean? For example, last year we were buying a flat together, I was so excited about it, I did overdo it on the DIY magazines. My b-friend had a real rant about how much money I was spending, even though at the time I had given up alcohol, smoking and caffeine, so my savings from those more than allowed me the excess to spend. Then to add to my woes, he wrote a will which he allowed me to read, bear in mind we'd been together forover 3 years and were in the midst of buying a place together. In his will, he wrote that everything which he has down to the last detail, cd's-dvd's-tv- the usual paraphenalia one accumlates, that it would all be given to his family and to me whom he called his 'friend' 1-2 a bed (as we'd bought it together!).. After this I was so upset, I decided not to go ahead with the purchase. I moved out and had a few months of utter madness where my debts increased ten fold. Obviously, this made my b-friend extremely angry and I wonder if I'd done it solely for that reason or if I was just rebelling? I don't know. We got back together a few months later and everything was fine for a while, then the cracks started to appear again, same story, different day. So after 6 months back together again. We decided it was time for me to move out again!! This time for a couple of months - it's been 4. My problem now is that during those few months, I dated a couple of guys, had a good time and came to realisation that yes, my b-friend does really love me, he may not always be the best at showing it and I will just have to learn to be stronger and not so sensitive. He has planned to go overseas to work indefinitely which was a concern for me before, but the more I think about it, the better it gets. One of my concerns prior was the fact that we weren't married and that there was no forthcoming proposal in sight. What I learned from being apart from him was that it's really not all that important that as long as we love each other everything will be ok. Where I am now?Hmm.. So, having finally come around to this way of thinking, I excitedly tell him. He's extremely happy that this is the case and tells me that we will get married next year and he will ensure everything works out OK for me workwise overseas, however he feels that he'd just got used to the fact that I wasn't going to come back and I wasn't going to go overseas. Therefore, he's just started dating again and seems quite taken with a particular girl, even though he says it means nothing that it's just a fling, that I've had mine now he should have his. It is really upsetting for me and I can't stop thinking about the prospect of losing him now that I've realised what it is I really want and how hard I am prepared to work at it. Am I just being selfish or does he have a funny way of showing how he loves me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): co dependancy pet, he is the big bell end you are the smaller. he controlls, you rebell, see saw affect. it depends on wether this is what you want out of life, i gather he makes you feel safe and secure in a mad type ov way. he needs you just as much as you need him.if you stay with him be prepared for a major roller coaster ride.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): From the person seeking advice:
Many, many thanks for all your advice. I truly find it invaluable. In a sense I feel as though I was a little harsh in my initial posting. He is prepared to try and work things out and we are going to start counselling soon. I'm hopeful that this will give him a greater understanding of how I work and I of him, as I'm sure that he really doesn't mean to send me over the edge as often as happens. Grant it, to be fair it can't all be his fault. I believe he's just the catalyst and there are other issues which I need to resolve within myself in order for these situations not to occur in the future, whether I stay/hang on in there or not. So, I'm taking things easy for the next few months, if he wants to have a couple of flings, fine, I will only hope that one day he realises what he's actually got, but for now, I'm going to try and put it out of my head and have as little contact with him as possible - however that's not going to be easy as we're really good mates and currently we speak with each other once or twice a day and regularly on e-mail. Thank you all once again for your non-bias advice. It really did give me some clarity and I feel a lot better today because of it. Keep up the good work!
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 I cannot say more than previous Aunts and Uncles have already said. This guy is a control-freak and you are allowing him to behave like this as you are standing up for yourself. If you read a part of your letter again were you say about *rebelling* against him - it sounds like a teenager talking about their Dad!! I don't want you to be offended by this, but I think you should get out of this relationship now for your own mental health and sanity. Get out and start to learn to like yourself again. Dont let this guy belittle you and treat you like a naughty child any more.
I wish you strength and I wish you luck.
xx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 May 2006):
 You are bad for him, and he is bad for you...it is a bit like my relationship with chocolate. You may love him, but the fact is that if you truely loved him you wouldnt have been able to date other men, and likewise he wouldnt be able to date other women because when you are truely hooked onto someone, you don't look elsewhere and you are not distracted. You need to find someone who accepts you for who you are, and doesn't judge you on your spending habits etc. However, as side issues you should spend this 'single time' sorting out your personal problems like the debt, the depression etc because when you are dating someone you spend a lot of time thinking of them, and thinking of their problems or needs. You have every right to be a bit selfish right now and spend some 'me time' sorting yourself out. You cannot marry a man who thinks it is ok to have a fling as it starts a pattern where that behaviour is seen as acceptable, and will encroach on the marriage. YOu shouldn't move abroad with him because he has ultimate power over you then since you will be leaving all your contacts and familiar places behind, and might even be financially dependent on him. You have already run away from the home purchase - that was not a moment of madness - it was a moment of wisdom based on your instinct that things are not right here. Time to move on.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 Dr Pete has good advice. Your boyfriend clearly has some issues, and it appears these may be resulting in a degree of emotional abuse in your relationship. The fact that he is deliberately having a fling to 'because you did' is a sign that he doesn't really love you, or if he does, is struggling to express it positively. You need to be very very careful marrying this man.
Think hard about whether you want to stay involved with him. If you do, then follow Dr Pete's advice and see a councillor before you make any major decisions (other than leaving him).
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A
male
reader, chrisb +, writes (16 May 2006):
 Hello. Obviously, this man doesn't accept you the way you are, and it seems to me, that you are doing all the changing, to please him.
I say, since he's not changing too, to try to sort out the relationship between you both, you should find a new man, who will love you for who you are. I think you are a wonderful lady, and you deserve much better. When you are with the right man, you wont feel you need to change to please him. If anything, the man should feel so lucky to have you, he would want to change for you. I have never expected a woman to change to please me. Personally, it would make me lose my respect for her.
I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear, but you deserve so much more than this man can ever give you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006): Hi Anonymous
I began replying to this by answering your letter step-by-step but I had to stop. Why? Because in it, I was repeating the same thing over and over again.
Your boyfriend is controlling, and I don't think you can see just how much it has affected you. You have put yourself down and justified his actions as being your fault throughout the message.
Have you heard of "passive agressive"? Your boyfriend seems to fit the characteristic entirely. It's when someone who isn't ordinarily agressive takes out their problems passively. e.g. They become controlling, and make you feel inferior and guilty. It's a way of making you feel like you're in the wrong, but in a way that they do not have to get angry.
To mention just a few points:
First, is it really your boyfriends concern if you had a £1,000 loan? It's hardly a crime is it? Like you have said - there are plenty of people in far worse debt. Your boyfriend had no right to comment on this, none at all. It looks to me that he has set himself up as being better than you right from the start, and you have gone along with it. Note: This is the first time he has belittled you.
Your second paragraph is a little worrying too. It's not surprising you developed a depression if you were not feeling worthy or good enough for your boyfriend. You bought a lot of DIY magazines because you were so excited about being with him... That is lovely and sweet, and he should not have argued with you about how much money your spending. Note: he is belittling you right throughout all this and putting you down.
The will incident: He is belittling you again - he's showing that you're not important to him at all.
Sweetie I'm not going to go through the rest of your message because I feel exactly the same way throughout and I think you get the general idea.
To answer your last question; are you being selfish. No. You're not. He is thriving on knowing that you do feel like you are being selfish. He may love you, but I think he has control problems and I don't think he has really ever accepted you for being YOU. The last bit about him saying he's having a fling because you did is just UNACCEPTABLE. You see: He's controlling you, he's making you feel weak and inferior.
This sounds like a very complicated issue, and I don't think you should just accept any advice you get on here, including mine.
You've been with him for quite a while and I genuingly think you need to talk to someone who is more independent.
I really think it would benefit you a lot if you could find a counselor and talk about this, and yourself, with them.
I think a counselor will help you see why your boyfriend acts in the way that he does, but more importantly I think it would be a massive eye opener for you and why you respond in the way that you do.
If you do want any help in finding a counselor feel free to email me and I can put you in the right direction. I hope to hear from you but if not, all the best with whatever you decide to do ok?
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