A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, Just some questions out of curiosity and partly from experience, why are men so different from women when it comes to getting off on something?Porn is a deal breaker in a relationship for me and my boyfriend knows and respects this, but I know he looks at pictures of glamour models to get off on (he doesn’t know I know this) yet he refuses my offers of pictures and videos of myself or filming us making love. His excuse is “I don’t want to watch myself perform”. A male friend of mine said it’s down to respect and love for the person you’re doing the deed over but when I do it my boyfriend is the only person I think of, I can’t physically force myself to think of anyone else, it just turns me off. I don’t feel ashamed or as if I’ve disrespected him, I’d take it as more of a massive confidence boost that he’s the only person I find attractive in that way. I’ve considered that since we’ve been together for 2 years that I might be getting a bit boring to look at or he may see me in a ‘Been there, done that’ sort of way, which doesn’t affect my confidence positively. We don’t live together and only see each other on the weekend because of work etc. but I’d like to play a part in the other 5 days or at least sort of understand why he won’t let me.My questions are - Does respect really play a part in what material men use? Is it possible to just find your partner too boring to turn you on without physically being there?Why is another person always the better option to masturbate over? And finally Why do the majority of men choose to not use their partner as material?Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): If I may share with you my personal experience maybe you can glean something from it. I am a professional modeling photographer and my wife happens to be a glamour model. Now, to answer Two of your questions; I personally don’t find other women to be better options for masturbation, so that must put me in the minority. I photograph beautiful women every day, but my wife is still the sexiest creature on earth. On that note, for a number of years I managed my wife’s website. As a gorgeous Fitness and Bikini model she would receive hundreds of emails from people around the world. The more unsavory messages (some with photo attachments), I deposed of quickly. Now this was not because she is stupid or unaware of the freaks at large. As she put it to me “There is always going to be someone (man or woman) masturbating over my pix and it wouldn’t matter if I posed in a burlap sack; it’s the nature of the beast. However, I think it’s ridiculous to believe that what I do is some sort of cancer devastating otherwise happy relationships.”Now, as far as some sort of “Respect-o-Meter” that measures the type of masturbation material a man chooses to use; I can honestly say that one has me stumped.Nevertheless, it sounds like you have a lot in your corner. You are a confident young woman and that within itself exudes sexuality. If you and your boyfriend are only able to get together in a limited time period; take advantage of that limitation. You are probably aware of your best physical assets, so use them to your benefit. If you have nice legs and/or booty, then surprise him in a short, tight skirt and sexy high-heels. If you have nice boobs, get a hot push-up bra to show them off. You mentioned taking some sexy pix or doing a video. Please forgive my blunt suggestion, but maybe set up a Camcorder next to your bed and masturbate until you climax. Don’t even tell him about what you’re doing. Just do it and leave it somewhere (safe from other prying eyes), where he finds it himself. Many men don’t want to watch themselves having sex on video, but they love to watch their wives/girlfriends getting kinky. I am pretty sure what he will be jacking-off over all week long. In my business I also do a great deal of boudoir photography for women who want to surprise there partners. One thing I do (if the subject at hand is game) is have my female assistant tie their hands and feet together. Sometimes blind-folded or just cover their mouths. You would not believe the jubilant feedback I get from women about how excited their partners were when they were presented with the photos. Anyway, right or wrong; that’s my thoughts.Good Luck to you both!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Hello! I'm not sure how useful this will be to you, but I stumbled across a web site about the science behind porn. Check it out..http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-doPorn is a form of addiction. I'm currently taking a psychology course, with the hopes of becoming a family and marriage therapist, and I just so happen to be in the middle of researching pornography use. Many guys will tell you that it's just part of being male, but it happens to be something they develop a habit of during puberty; the most developing years for them. Although some only consider it an addiction if it's used constantly, I think of it as an addiction if they are willing to risk important things for it (their job, relationship, reputation etc). Hope this helps answer your question!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Most likely because men are never satisfied. Honey the best thing to do is let him know that u will allow other mb to masturbate over your naked pics ( only guys you like of course) after all , as much as the men say they get bored and need to look at a new naked woman, us women need to feel we are the ultimate fantasy.... So what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Dont let him feed you some rubbish about the porn women not being real .... Of course they are. It will be interesting to see how he feels about some guy knocking one out over you....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Think about this for a second: Fantasizing about reality. Sounds contradicting, doesn't it? There is nothing to worry about, though. There's rarely any emotion involved in masturbating over a photo or video, especially if it's someone they don't know. If it's the same person over and over again, and they know the person, then there might be an issue. On the other hand, it could just be raw lust over that particular person. In that case, there's still no emotion involved. The important thing is they keep it a fantasy, and don't try to make it a reality. I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to know who my husband fantasizes over. That way, I can't compare myself to them. That's assuming he even does in the first place. I don't know because I've never asked. I just assume he does because I do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): "Does respect really play a part in what material men use?"
Yes and no. It depends on the fantasy. For example I wouldn't have a romantic, loving sexual fantasy about any other girl than my girlfriend. She's the only girl I love and want to be in love with and that kind of fantasy is useless for a wank anyway OP, it defeats the whole purpose of using material to wank off to. I only use it for efficiency and speed, not because I want another girl but it's easier to look at the body of random chick I have no emotion for and get off on the 2 minute fantasy of having a quick shag with her. I literally cannot do that to pictures of my girlfriend, I can't separate my emotions from images of her and they get in the way of the quickness of the wank, besides I'd rather just hold it in and have sex with her later instead. I only use our pictures and videos if she's away for a week or two and I want to make love to her in my fantasy.
OP male masturbation is very different to your experience, We can be aroused and done in seconds. Literally, no thought, no warm up, that's why it's called popping one out. It's very quick.
"Is it possible to just find your partner too boring to turn you on without physically being there?"
Is it possible for other guys? Maybe, but for me I have no problem getting turned on just thinking of my girlfriend, it's actually a lot of hassle sometimes, for example on a train going somewhere and I'll have a brief sexual thought about her and that's it, aroused. She used to abuse that actually, if she knew I was in a queue or something and I was on the phone to her, a few sentences and screwed.
"Why is another person always the better option to masturbate over?"
They're not always. As I said, if I want to play out a long sensual fantasy in my head then that's going to be my girlfriend and pictures of her is what I'll look at. but if I want a quick tug then I'll throw on a porn video of people having sex, the sound, the visuals all make it very quick. That's just for a quick release and a lot of guys don't like the idea of degrading their women to the level of an emotionless release.
"Why do the majority of men choose to not use their partner as material?"
I can't speak for all men as we're all different but I have disagree with person12345, we like variety OP, we will always have eyes and always notice other women that we'd shag if we didn't have a girlfriend, I know no man who doesn't think that way but I know a hell of a lot who would never admit that to their partner for obvious reasons. No porn, and we'll look at regular movies and the sex scenes in them, no sex scenes and we'll fantasize about the lady news reader, no TV and we'd fantasize about that waitress who served us the other day. I don't think it's anything to do with porn or habit, OP when a guy is single we check out girls we'd like to shag, just as girls check out guys, maybe for some men and women that goes away but if you seriously think we guys can somehow only ever be turned on by woman our entire lives then you don't understand nature all that well.
"What if it isn't porn use but searching for images of a specific person, wouldn't that be basing masturbation on physical appearance?"
I know person12345 is going to disagree but my take on it is this. Those images are just a tool, it's like trying four or five different vibrators and finding one that works the best, you're obviously going to use that tool more because it works the best for what you want to use it for.
My only advice to you OP is if this is a major issue for you then you need to go find a guy who has a similar romantic outlook to you, I'm sure there plenty of eye's only guys out there and there are plenty who don't watch porn, and in fact most guys will be so discreet that you'll never find out anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): OP - in response to person12345
What if it isn't porn use but searching for images of a specific person, wouldn't that be basing masturbation on physical appearance? Before i had the discussion with my partner about porn use every single time he visited a porn site he would of looked at one of his female friends pictures on facebook beforehand (she posts alot of her in skimpy outfits), and from what i saw was over 4 times, which can't just be a coincidence. The quote 'You can't have a wank over personality' springs to mind.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Thank you for your post. First off let me answer your original question...
The reason why most men (and I am generalizing here) like to view images of women while masturbating is because we are for the most part, very visual creatures. Visual aids helps us get off a lot better than anything else. Most women, however, tend to prefer and focus more on the feeling- or a certain emotion attachment to it. That's not to say that some women don't use visual aids, because I know some women who do/have... but again I'm generalizing here.
And men are also tempted by sexual explicited ads almost everyday. And believe me, the media knows that this is a weakness for men- and as long as they advertise a woman, who's attractive, and shows a little skin, we're more inclined to check out that product/service.
Now onto your other questions...`
"Does respect really play a part in what material men use?"
- Yes. But really it depends on the guy and depends on the mood. And when it comes to the actual material, a lot of guys prefer variety. Different images every now and then helps make the masturbation session better.
"Is it possible to just find your partner too boring to turn you on without physically being there?"
It's possible that the spark can diminish when it comes to attraction of someone. This is why it's important to keep the night (or days) of intimacy exciting by dressing up or dressing down, role-playing, dirty talking, etc... to keep things sexy. But if you're asking because you believe it's the reason a guy would view a video or magazine or something... well, maybe. But you should always keep an open line of communication with your boyfriend to talk about what each others desires and/or fantasies are... then, if possible, fulfill them!
"Why is another person always the better option to masturbate over?"
The simple answer... it's someone new. But for the most part, guys pick someone or something they're very attracted to masturbate over. But it's still fantasy for them. In real life it may be impossible, difficult, or not a good idea for a man to engage in sex with those women (or women like them) sexually especially if their involved with someone else.
"Why do the majority of men choose to not use their partner as material?"
The simple answer... because we're use to you. We need new, spontaneity, interesting, exciting, etc. If you tend to do things the same way in the bedroom, dress the same way in bed, there's not much interest. That why you have to mix it up in the bedroom... to give him something to look forward to (or even potentially masturbate to) when you're not in his presence.
Here's some additional reading that may be of benefit for you...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/being-able-to-change-breaking-old-habits-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-your-partner-is-a-porn-watcher.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-its-important-to-keep-your-relationship-exciting.html
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Does respect really play a part in what material men use?
Only if they are fantasizing about degrading the woman they are fantasizing about. My boyfriend felt it was violating my autonomy to fantasize about me, so at one point he formally asked my permission. It was a very strange but kind of sweet gesture.
Is it possible to just find your partner too boring to turn you on without physically being there?
Doubtful. Porn use almost never has to do with a person's physical attractiveness. It's usually a habit that's very hard to break.
Why is another person always the better option to masturbate over?
They're not. Like I said, porn is usually a habit they've had since they were teenagers and it's very hard to stop.
Why do the majority of men choose to not use their partner as material?
Because the porn habit is about novelty. It's the new people and new situations that change the brain chemistry, not that they are more attractive. Some men do choose to use their partners.
Check out the site http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
and check out the links on my profile for more information.
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