A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:This is a question for the guys!Ok, how important is it for guys to last during sex? I ask because my new boyfriend only lasts about 2 minutes before he comes and now hes shying away from sex. To me its not a big deal, because although it would be nice to have an orgasm myself, I enjoy sex for the closeness and intimacy rather than orgasm. Yea it would be nice if he lasted a little longer but I love just being that close to him and making him feel good, im not bothered if I dont orgasm. But now he keeps making excuses not to sleep with me like he says hes tired or got a headache. We have been together for 4 months, have been having sex for 3 months. At the beginning, he didnt seem bothered that he couldnt last long and we would sometimes have sex 3 or 4 times a night. But now, as our relationship has progressed, it seems to have become an issue but only on his part. Ive never brought it up with him but I know that this is why he is avoiding sex. He is a very, very self-conscious man and also quite sensitive. I just didnt realise that some guys could get so hung up over this type of thing? How important is it to guys? And how can I handle this?
View related questions:
orgasm, says he's tired, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): If I was you I would try to find out if there aren't any other issues going on in his life right now that cause him a lot of stress and worrying. This can be problems at work, with family, friends, health problems, other self esteem issues, anxiety, depression, etc.There are a myriad of seemingly unrelated issues that could be going on that simply put him off wanting to have sex. Insecurity about his sexual performance could just be a minor factor in whatever is going on here. Other outside factors can negatively influence a man's sense of self-worth, sexual performance and libido.Let's face it, we all enjoy having sex with out partners, even if we can't perform like porn stars. If for months you've both been happily having sex frequently, both enjoying it without expressing any negative sentiments about it, and suddenly he withdraws sexually, chances are there is something else going on.Personally, I've had a lot of issues with stress and major depression in the past. My mental health has played a significant role in variations in my sexual performance and appetite over time.I've had periods where I would finish within a minute after penetration, I've had periods where I couldn't finish at all, even after keeping at it for over an hour, I've had bouts of almost complete impotence there have been times, in some cases months, where I simply didn't want to have sex. All this while being a perfectly healthy young man with no physical problems that should cause these issues. Go figure.The mind is a funny thing. Since you already mentioned that your boyfriend is a very self-conscious ans sensitive person, some things that may not play a big role in other people's lives may affect him a lot more.All I can say is that hes lucky to have a loving and understanding partner who doesn't sigh in disappointment each time after sex :-)Talk to him and find out what's going on in his life.If it turns out that his biggest issue really is about pleasing you in bed, reassure him that it's alright, make him feel comfortable, let him know exactly what turns you on, be experimental, focus more on foreplay, show him other ways of giving you an orgasm...Sex should be fun for both parties involved. It should be play time you enjoy as a couple. If one of the parties involved feels any kind of stress or pressure because of it, it can take much of the fun away.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 "To me its not a big deal, because although it would be nice to have an orgasm myself, I enjoy sex for the closeness and intimacy rather than orgasm."
In his mind, when you say this, he thinks, "Yeah, she says that now; in a month, she'll be telling every woman in town I'm a lousy lay." Telling him this is not a comfort, even though I know you mean for it to help. Your best bet is not to say anything.
Men worry about this. It's right up there with, "Is my penis big enough? Am I better than the last guy she was with? Is she faking it?" These thoughts get to us. I can definitely see why he'd be embarrassed to keep failing to last long; having sex 3 or 4 times in a night can make up for it in the short run, but it also reinforces the idea that he just can't keep it going.
So, yeah, this bothers him a lot, and is something men in general get really worked up about. We want to please our woman.
Normally, I last a pretty long time, but the first time I got off earlier than intended, it was like the whole night just went downhill, I felt awful. Fortunately, the girl was awesome, kept smiling and kissing me, than grabbed my fingers and put them into position to finish her off. She never said a word, then or later. That made me feel a lot better about it, and it was fortunately a one-time thing with her.
He can try to train himself to last longer by masturbating longer, but masturbating still isn't the same as sex by a long shot, so it'll take a while for him to see improvement. Encourage him to try, though, and tell him you believe he can do it, rather than just trying to shrug it off as no big deal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): Most women can't orgasm in 2 minutes, so if you want to orgasm with intercourse, most women can't, they need to last longer obviously. 2 minutes is essentially premature ejaculation. There are a lot of things he can do to last longer, read about treating this and discuss it with him.
You may think you're enjoying sex without orgasm, but I think you would enjoy it A LOT more if you did too, in whatever way he can do that for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (20 August 2011):
You really need to check to see if there are any other issues going on here besides this obvious one, as you did say that at first it was not a problem.
I don't have as much endurance as I used to, and I like to take my partner to orgasm BEFORE "slipping it in". You may want to suggest that.
Funny, I had the exact opposite problem as he did with a few girlfriends where I would go for half an hour to an hour and just could not get anything out at all.
Tell him you are here for his pleasure and he has nothing to be ashamed of.
...............................
|
