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writes: I added this to my last letter but i thought i would do it was a separate piece as i am finding hard to love my wife. as my last post explained. anyway the below is a add on and a better pictureA long story, when i was 21 i met a girl 18 and she was my first love extremly stuning, like Rita Hayworth. I was her first and we dated for a few months, i was young and needed to stabalize financial and emotionally. The relationship end and i felt so heartbroken, I could not commit back then and i regret it so much, then 2 years i dated another lovely woman that was in 2003 and i mentioned to her this girl called Suman i was with when i was 21 as i thought of her evey year then that year i sent her a birthday card to suman on the 5th of Dec to her families house she was not in but studying, her brother opened the door i regret i did not send letters and did not leave any contact number. but that year 2003 i meet her accidently i the city we talked very briefly and i told her i know liked a few things she liked like Indian movies and i tried to say i want to try again and we spoke for 5 mins and i asked her if she was single and she said i think yes and she asked me and i said i was dating then she said ok and she said i have to go and walked, that walk was the last i saw of her and i wished id said more like i wanted to get to know her and you get to know me and we consider spending the rest of our lives together two months after that i broke up with Joanne and a few months after married my present wife.Anyway 4 years passed and i thought of her every year and tried once again knocking her door before i was married but did not get to see her, i just wished i had written and told her what i never did that i loved her and wanted to be with her so much. and for us to get to know each other. but 2 weeks ago i have a perfume which she also bought me once and the film Gilda was on and a place i once took her came up.so i decided to knock her door again 2 weeks ago, i knew the house was for sale before so i thought they may have moved as 4 and a bit years had passed but i drove down with my heart pounding expecting her to be married or something but no one was in so i went next door and the lady told me they still live there, i asked how the family are and she said the young girl suman 4 years ago hung herself in her room. i was heartbroken and devastated. i went back the week after to see the family the father died last year. the mother and son had never seen me before or did not remember me, but i was not invited in and at the door, what i knew now was confirmed, i asked if they could show me a photo as my memory has faded but they said no, i so hoped i could go in a talk about her, so much.the brother said she left no note and died early 2004 i think i met her few months after the neighbour also mentioned because of a letter from a mother who said she could not marry her son and that was reason but i dont know but i doubt it was because of me i doubt she thought of me much as i dont think she new my feelings still.The brother asked me if i new her friends like Sabrina i said no and they then closed the door, i cried in my car knocked the door again no answer this time but i left a note saying please if the brother could call me or give me Sabrina's number i would be very grateful so i can know a bit more of her life and if she ever talked of me. That never happened.so i am very sad and not being able to really talk about it and the relationship with my wife is one the rocks if this girl was still alive i would have wanted to marry her straight away. i miss her so much. But life must continue and i want to but my wife back in to the center of my life. I hope i can but i need to feel more and its not near what i felt for Suman.Kind regardsH
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response.
I will and have to move forward. And in a way found a new freedom to life as i have the closure. I miss her with all my heart and always will. And life will never be the same, i have to accept that i will never get to live the life i would have liked with Suman and bereave. Iv realised not to joke with love take it seriously even at 21, the mistake i made is the worst pain iv ever experienced and stays with me and always will for the rest of my life without her, with questions of what if, maybe.
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