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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been in a relationship with a great woman for the past two years. We're both in our early 30's. Having been in several relationships, I know she is the one for me. We are compatible in so many ways.We spend a lot nights together staying either at my place or hers. We frequently use each others home computer to check email and to do work. Last night when she was over, I noticed her hotmail account was open on my computer. Curiosity got the best me and I started snooping. I know this was wrong....I discovered that she had a relationship with another women a few years before meeting me. It looks like it lasted over year. The fact that she is bisexual (or just exploring her sexuality) is NOT a big deal as a few of my past girlfriends were bisexual. In fact, it is a turn on.The bigger issue for me is honesty about our past relationships. She has quizzed me about my past relationships on many occassions, and I told here everything to the best of my recollection. She's asked me to name all of my past girlfriends/flings which I did in detail. I thought she did the same when we talked about about her past. When we had a conversation about our sexual preference (from a random chat early in the relationship), she told me that she had never been with another woman.Her "ex-girlfriend" is still a friend of hers and they still hang our occassionally. I have no problems with that as I feel she is being faithful to me.I suspect that her ommission was a conflict between honesty and privacy. But it makes me wonder what else has she held back with regard to her past relationships or anything else.A part of me wants full disclosure about her prior relationships but I don't how to approach it. If this was a past fling, it would not be a big deal. But, this inolves a long term relationship with a woman who remains a current friend. I am not sure how to (or if I should) tell my girlfriend that I was snooping as this could be a relationship killer given what I found.Any advice?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (16 July 2007):
 One other thing that I just thought of...
Are you her first relationship after she dated this woman? Maybe she was afraid that you'd reject her if you knew she just came out of a relationship with another female. She just may have been afraid that you'd freak out about her sexual orientation. If you think this is the case, then you might want to consider bringing up that things like that don't matter to you. But ONLY if it were to come up in conversation somehow, which might be tricky. As your relationship moves on, she may even decide to tell you herself. In cases like this, timing is everything. Don't push her to tell you or force a conversation about sexual orientation to come up. What happens, happens.
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (16 July 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
I have a feeling that your girlfriend may have decided after dating this woman that she was, in fact, not into women. She probably views this as an extremely awkward time in her life and would probably just like to forget about it. The way I see it, it's not so much being dishonest, it's protecting herself from feeling anything negative. She may have thought it would have made you feel uneasy, as well, and just felt it'd be better if you remained ignorant to the fact she dated one of her friends.
Not to be too intrusive, but do you know for a fact that your girlfriend and this other woman did anything besides label themselves as in a relationship? Maybe she didn't feel the need to let you know because she didn't have any sexual relations with this woman?
Talking about past relationships is usually a bad idea. It only tends to allow one's mind to wander and think about things that really shouldn't matter. The past is the past and she is with you now - and *that's* what should matter, you know? I would try to concentrate on that and how to make your relationship grow and blossom - finding out new things about each other (not related to past boyfriends/girlfriends/flings), going new places together, and focusing on the two of you. Unless there's a concern for your health, I wouldn't bring up any of the people who either one of you dated. (I know I keep saying that! But I really think it's the best idea. Besides, you can take comfort in the fact that you're better than any of them anyway...she's chosen to be with *you*. ^_^)
I usually think cliches are so annoying, but one really applies to this situation - "pick your battles." Is this something that really warrants a discussion (and potential argument)? I honestly don't think so. I just think in this case it's be wise to respect your girlfriend's privacy and move on. She didn't tell you for a reason and I think it's probably because - like I said - it was just a totally awkward and confusing experience for her. (BUT if you think for some reason that she may be cheating on you, then I would bring it up. But it looks like you don't think she's getting with other people, so that's good!)
So in short - talking about past relationships when it has no bearing on your own is usually opening a door to unnecessary worries, bringing up negative feelings, and setting up awkward situations. Focus on the relationship that you two have and remember that you're better than any of the other people that your girlfriend dated in the past. Also, try not to get angry at her about not wanting to reveal something that may have been an extremely confusing time in her life. (And try not to snoop through her account anymore if you're still doing that - that's one of the reasons you're all upset about things right now.)
(I know that you are probably dying to tell her what you've found. But if you expect her to be honest, then you need to be, as well - and that means telling her you've snooped. I just see this turning into a big argument. I'd just move on if I were you. If you want to talk about trusting one another and being honest, I'd bring that up as a general statement. But even that could potentially turn into a disaster - she'd probably wonder where the heck the conversation came from...and then you'd have to tell her anyway.)
I wonder - what advice would you give to someone who had this happen to him? I also suggest going back and rereading your question as if you didn't write it. Would you tell this person to bring it up? If so, why? Or would you tell this guy to move on? Why?
I hope this helps! (And don't snoop anymore, especially if you know your girlfriend is being faithful! ^_~)
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback Tipster. I still trust her and don't believe there is anything going on with the ex-girlfriend who is now just a friend.
This was not a one night fling. Rather, it was a 1-2 year relationship that happened before we met. I am wondering how and if I should discuss the issue. It's been on my mind since I discovered the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Tipster +, writes (11 July 2007):
hmmmm, trickyAs you pointed out, maybe her bisexual experience is something that was pure curiosity and she's not comfortable sharing with you. Maybe it was just a one night drunken freak show in her past.From experience, sometimes full disclosure is not always the answer. It's not like your planting any new flags on the top of the hill, so why know. I dated a bisexual chick for awhile and I was always hip to what was going on with her close "friends". You should be able to tell, just keep your eyes open.
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