A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need constructive advise about a situation that is bothering me. Im widowed 5 years now and have 3 kids (14, 11 and 10), I finally met the most amazing man and he proposed to me recently. A background on the guy, he is the type of guy that is a go getter and wants everything done quickly when he sets his mind to it. He proposed after 5 months of dating. I know it seems early, but we knew it was right. I am very happy. He is single, never been married, engaged but it broke up. We are in love and things are perfect between me and him. Its the kids. He doesn't understand kids and my need to put them first. My 14 year old daughter is a bit of a handful. She is going through that tough age and talking back and being rude and disrespectful. Im a pushover when it comes to her. She would never say anything to his face but she tells me when he is not in the room. She has made it clear that she is unhappy with the situation, due to the fact that I am moving on. Nothing that he has done to her physically or emotionally (no abuse). He has been amazing to the kids and wants it to be perfect in all aspects. He takes us on trips, is very hands on with them, plays games with them, does so much for them. A perfect person to come into their lives. But she can be nasty, and he knows that. He hears her from afar. It really bothers him a lot. Anyway, at one point she asked me for a day WITHOUT him, so that she can walk around in her pajamas, hang out without him there. I get it. So I gave her a day, and told him he can't come around. He comes around 6 days a week and sleeps over (they don't know it). I give him a lot of my time. He doesn't understand that she needs her day, he thinks its ridiculous and why should a child tell me what to do? I think he is resentful because of how disrespectful she is to me and to him. We are engaged now, and he feels I should tell her that he needs to move in, but don't want to hurt the kids by saying that. She had 5 months of that day off from him. Do I say, thats enough, now we are getting married and he is moving in? Is he wrong/right? Should I be the parent, and tell her that she had her time? Or should I tell him that he needs to understand that she is a teenager and went through a tough time dealing with her dad's death and he needs to be more sensitive? He doesn't get kids. He almost left me last night because of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the last post and the others as well, but I think there is a balance. The kids should not always think that they are the center of the universe but, it is our job as parents, to show them that we are there for them ALWAYS. This relationship has been the best thing in the world for me, and will be for all of us. Yea, he gets frustrated as we all do as parents, but he needs to take a step back and look at the big picture. They all went through a tragedy and they need time, not TOO much time to adjust. If he can't understand, well, I will have to move on then. I would never drop my kids to be selfish and only think of whats best for me. Yet, I want to integrate him into our lives slowly and the right way. Through all the comments, I think what I am doing is the right thing. I am giving her, her time she needs, and being there for my fiance as well. My daughter knows that I am there for her, but I also have to be happy as well. And he truly loves them already, like his own. Theres not many men out there that can say that. Guess I need to stick to what I have been doing. Thanks all for all your advice, it put A LOT into perspective for me. I was right in doing what I was doing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Even in a 'traditional nuclear family' where both biological parents are married and have kids under the same roof, do you think those parents should always put their children first before each other? that's what leads to "dead" marriages, where people are only co-parents but dont' really care that much about each other anymore.Many marriages have been ruined because one spouse put the kids above the other spouse all the time. I have a friend whose marriage is falling apart right now for this very reason - yes those are his kids too, but his wife always put their kids above him. His role in the family has been diminished, he is reduced to being just an ATM machine to provide the money while the wife and kids have their own world going on without him.and this is for marriages where both spouses are the biological parents. Imagine what damage this "kids always first" attitude would have for a second marriage involving step-parenting where the new step parent is not yet familiar with the kids and vice versa. Why even get married if you're just going to have your spouse always be secondary??? Marriage is first and foremost about the spouses. marriage is by definition the relationship between the spouses. Children are part of their lives, a major part. But ultimately you don't need a marriage to have and raise good kids. You dont' even need a 'life partner' to do that. You can raise kids as a single person, lots of people do it. If you're going to choose to get married, then you cannot and shouldn't always put the kids first, unless you want to destroy the marriage and go back to being single.And, children need to learn this too! it's unhealthy for them to grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. When I was a kid I knew that my parents were a couple, and that they were devoted to each other. that formed part of the basis for how I view family relationships now as an adult. If you always put your kids before your spouse, they will grow up and get married thinking that their spouse's proper role is only to be a servant to their kids. yikes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): This is my opinion, based on what you have written. You have three children, that must be your priority over anyone else for the next 8 years. Do not ever lose sight of that. Not for anyone, and not even for your own personal reasons that would be to their detriment. I have three children, the youngest is now 16. When I was looking at moving in with step father to my children, I asked them if it was ok with them, and if there was any problem it would not happen. I believe they need to feel safe and secure and relaxed and enjoy being in their home. I think five months is fast for moving in together. It concerns me that your fiance is so keen to move in with you, and is pushing for it to happen. If you were to tell him you are just not ready yet, and about the 12 months mark is what will work for you and your children, how would he react? He SHOULD be loving and understanding and totally accept that. He may be disappointed, but he should totally support you. If he pushes you for it to happen, it is a red flag and I think you should be cautious.In a second marriage, I believe the parents need to be a united front to the children/step children, and the children need to live with the decisions the parents make together as a married couple. But after 5 months, I don't think a person earns that privilege, I think it takes a couple of years. Until that point, I think you put your children's wants and requests first. They won't be in your care for much longer, (8 years will be over faster than you can imagine right now) and you may regret it if you don't.I also think your fiance is disrespecting your children's privacy and 'home life' by not allowing them more time with you, without him. Six days is a lot of time to be there.I think new relationships with children involved, need to unfold very slowly and almost allow a natural progression, which is guided and approved of, by the children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): Hi there!
Since you mentioned that you need others to tell you if I you are going about this the right or wrong way.
This is my opinion.
Parents should and must always think what is best for their children. It should be the top priority. At All times.
Especially when you know that a decision you need to make will have a big effect for everybody.
I always have good words to say about my dad as a father because I never felt second best to him during my childhood or teen years. He is a good role model for me a as a dad.
If I will have my own children, I will never ever have a second thought to choose my children over to someone I just met. Can't you just be happy just having a committed relationship with him without compromising your relationship with your children?
Did you know that this will affect your daughter's studies? her emotional feelings? her future lies in your hands too.
She might choose bad decision just because of a guy your not even sure would be faithful to you.
How sure are you that he is not a maniac? Have you thought of that? what if he do something bad to your kids?
How safe your children will be with him in your life?
If his serious about you, he should treat the situation in a mature way. He should have not make you feel like you have to you choose between him and your kids. because that's what a mature person should do.Your kids are watching you. You have them with you.
Your kids are your allies. You may have differences, but they are the one who will love you unconditionally.
That man you just met. Who is he?
If he truly loves you, he should understand, Will stay with you and will adjust for you. He is Older than your 14 your old daughter.
He should not compete with a 14 year old girl. Shame on him.
He needs to grow up. I'm sorry. I just want you to make a better decision.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): You gave her the time she requested. So now she must learn that she needs to compromise too, the world doesn't revolve around her. She isn't being ignored! She already got what she wanted! You're simply asking her to show you (and your fiance) the same courtesy and respect that you already showed her. Tell her that you understand that she is still uncomfortable BUT nevertheless he is going to be her step dad and she had her request granted so she needs to learn to deal with this.
That said, 5 months is really fast. I don't blame her for feeling so unsettled. Why not slow things down a bit now? Why the rush? You could gain immensely by having the family dynamics be smoother if you slow down a bit. What do you have to lose by slowing down?
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reader, der_zyniker +, writes (18 July 2013):
Well you have to keep in mind that this happened fast, and not just for you. I would say that getting engaged after 5 months was too fast. Not only would you not know each other well enough to get married(in my opinion), your daughter knows even less about him. Here is this new guy that she barely knows and within 5 months he's her future step-father. I can't imagine how confusing that would be. And your daughter may be 14, but she's not clueless. She knows he sleeps over. Pretending otherwise isn't helping. Now I have a mother that is like you, a push over, and a father that is a type a personality. I grew up observing the dynamic of such a relationship. However, my mom did not let me or my siblings call the shots. In the end my father had final say in all matters. It works, but my mom rarely gets what she wants when it conflict with my dad's vision. Type A personalities are very controlling and often are rather self-centered. If something doesn't inconvenience them, it's not a problem even if it's a major inconvenience for everyone around them. If this guy is a type a personality that is even remotely like my dad, he doesn't see the problem for the kids because it really isn't his problem, or at least not yet. My mom has told me that my dad was always a type a personality, but he wasn't all that controlling or self-centered when they first got married. These things built up over time, so my advice there is to keep an eye out. Don't let him be too controlling. These are your children and unless you two get married he has no business telling you how to raise them. (Don't get the wrong idea. I don't think all type a personalities are the same or that they're bad people. My dad is a good guy and all, but type a personalities can really push people's buttons. I'm just telling you how I've seen my dad and most type a personalities act.)From what you said, like my dad, once this guy decides he wants something done, he wants it done immediately. This prompts me to ask a question. He wanted to get engaged after only 5 months. Did you say yes because you're a push over or because you wanted to and thought it felt right? He may like to get things done fast, but this isn't something to rush into. As far as your daughter is concerned, I can understand why she would have a problem with this guy. My dad's type a personality pissed me off to no end growing up and he is someone that was in a position to tell me what to do. Type A tendencies certainly would not go over well with a teenager, especially from someone who came into her life less than a year ago that she doesn't know all that well. I would be lenient with her when it comes to letting her have a day without him, but in general I would say you need to show more backbone and show her and your fiance their places. Your fiance may be the one that takes charge, but in this situation you need to be the one to take charge.This may not have moved too fast for you, but it moved too fast for your daughter. This was something she needed to be eased into. She really didn't have enough time to get used to the idea of you seeing someone else before you got engaged.Ultimately, marrying this guy is up to you. You deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of your daughter's happiness. I would say you need to give her more time to get to know him better. I would personally give this more than just a year. It isn't just your daughter or even you that needs more time to get used to the situation. I don't think your fiance really gets that your daughter needs that one day and that his wants don't come anywhere close to competing with your daughter's needs. This tells me that he may be a great guy and all, but he's not ready to be a parent yet. I don't think you should marry your fiance until he is ready to be a father. Explaining to him what you need to do as a parent isn't going make him understand. If you haven't done so already, I would suggest every now and then that he looks after your kids for a few days on his own. Your kids get some time to get to know him better and it forces him to get a taste of what being a parent is like. Your daughter also needs to find out that he's not likely to be someone that will put up with back talk. I also think the 3 of you need to sit down and talk about this, but only if you think your daughter can handle this. During the conversation you should probably say as little as possible. You're just there to keep things under control. Your daughter needs to tell your fiance directly what the problem is. An issue that I already see in the dynamic between you 3 is that you have become too much of a buffer between them, which would be fine if he were just your boyfriend, but he's going to be her step-father. That was an issue with me/my siblings, my mom, and my dad. Me/my siblings would whine about our dad to our mom. She would mention some of it to our dad. He would tell her what me and my siblings need to do and she was left to pick up all the slack. All the while she was caught in the middle. That wasn't fair to her and it isn't fair to you either. This is a dynamic you need to nip in the bud. The problem is between your daughter and you fiance. The communication about the issue needs to be between the two of them as well.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 OP, ultimately it is always a matter of opinions, we can tell you what we THINK is right in this type of situation, or what WE would be doing if we were in your shoes, but, since there's no perfect parent handbook or perfect second marriage handbook that says, yes the new man moves in after 7 months and 23 days from dating, or 11 months and 12 days etc... ultimately you will have to make your own mind up , trust your judgement, and make the decision that you are more comfortable with. You'll have to custom fit it around your own needs, beliefs and values, no matter what your friends or we Aunts say.
FWIW, I think you are going REALLY fast, I understand that you want to be happy, but you want to be happy right NOW, it sounds like you are not willing/ able to delay gratification a reasonable bit to make it easier for your daughter. This again, it's a very personal decision, and I am not going to tell you : oh no, I am right you are wrong. I dont know your daughter nor your fiance',nor all the circumstances, so I do not assume I have THE perfect answer. I can say, though, that I was striken by the fact that you think 5 months have been plenty for the girl to get adjusted to the idea of a stepdad- and a whole new life. And that being a bit more patient and respectful of HER timing ( because she is younger and more vulnerable ) means " coddling " her. Personally, I find this surprising - and meaningful. Most parents would not even have introduced yet their new mate to the kids, at this stage. My, you DO want to be happy ...- you sound so very afraid that this Alpha-male , perfectionist catch is going to slip through your fingers if everything is not just so, precisely according to his schedule... Your Alpha male who does not " get " children, never had one, and seems not to understand that he is supposed to blend into his new family, not take it by storm. Uhm. I wish you the best, believe me, but seen as Mr. Type A seems so oblivious of the issues of extended families, and so impatient with the challenges of step parenting, - I am afraid that if you don't slow down and get him to mellow out , as another poster said, you are going to bring World War 3 at home. I also totally concur with C.Grant 's observation, that you do deserve another shot at love- but NOT at the expenses of your daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing, I have been putting her first. Giving her the time she needs now for 5 months so far, and still will. Im just putting it out there to see if maybe I AM coddling her too much? Or am I wrong in doing this. I am a pushover, and she knows she can tell me what to do at 14. Now others are telling me (friends) that I should be the parent and say, I am engaged now, I have to move on and you have to get used to it. I just dont want to do that, I dont want to hurt her. But I still want to be happy too. As far as the moving too fast thing, it was fast, but we are not getting married for a year from now. Plenty of time to see how things go. He does things fast in general, type A personality. Just the way he is. But I know he is a wonderful man who just wants things perfect. I understand that, but I need others to tell me if I am going about this the right or wrong way/
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I read this question three or four hours ago and started pondering my response. As usual, the aunts jumped in while I was pondering, and with better answers than I have.
To me the red flag here is how quickly your finance wants to move. And that despite the fact that he's never raised kids. If our own children are a challenge (and every parent knows that in spades), other peoples' children are a quantum leap beyond that. Girls at 14 are almost another species. To make her live with a take-charge guy who seems a quart low on sensitivity just isn't fair to her. I'm getting whiffs of control issues here. After just five months are you sure that's not the case?
You are your kids' everything, and have been since their father died. While you deserve another shot at companionship and love, it can't be at their expense.
As an aside, I think you're being naive if you think your 14 year old doesn't know he's sleeping over.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 July 2013):
Pardon me, but... you are kidding right ?
This is your own daughter that has been 14 years with you, vs. a new entry that you just met 5 months ago, shows a ridicolous hurry to close the deal (proposing after 5 months ?! ), wants things his own way WHEN he wants them with no consideration for other people's sensitivities , and " does not get kids ".
No contest. The girl wins hands down. You may be in love and all that , but , you are still a mom, right ? Kids come first and if your teen daughter needs a little time and a little softness to be eased into this for her unwanted and unwelcome and surprisisng transition, that's perfectly normal and sensible, it has got nothing to do with brats. I'd say the brat is your fiancee' that wants to charge into a ready made family at his own speed, screw the consequences. (
Yes the kid is being a little b...h, so ? That's normal, part it's just her age and the hor4monal tempest and the strain of growing up, most teens go through a defiant phase. Plus, she is a young girl who has lost her dad and now she feels afraid and threatened she might lose, although in a different way, her mom too. Yes, she is jealous. So ? Wouldn't you be if ypu were in her shoes ? Yes she is probably tryng to mark her territory- what do you expect ? You are moving to a head swirling speed even for a childless person ( living together after 5 months ? Why ?, you don't even know him , almost ) - imagine with young kids. I get your bf is very enthusiastic and wants to be hands on stepdad and play, and be around ALL THE TIME, that might ,( or might not ), work well with the youngest , but for the teen is a bull in the china shop attititude that won't help her adjusting to what is , objectively, a difficult moment for her.
Yes, I agree that you are the parent and it's up to you to talk to her, and tell her what you want etc. But, precisely, YOU are the parent, not him, so I don't think that you have to do what he says because he prefers it that way, without putting first and foremost the NEEDS, not the whims, of a sensitive kid , who has already known grief and loss, and it's in a delicate age and stage.
If he does not " get " kids - well, too bad for him, I guess he will have too, won't he, unless you are dead set to put his amourous enthusiasm above and before the wellbeing of your own offspring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): I think problems need to be worked out before he moves in and before you guys get married. The kids have had you for 14 years, they need time to adjust to a new person. Remember they didn't choose him, you did so they don't have to like him. They may like him because you like him but when considering inviting someone into the home then i'd say talk to the kids about it. Plan out a time scale and rountine etc. Plus when does move in, remember to book only you and the kids days. You don't want to push him out but you don't want the kids to feel pushed at him either.I'd also be worried about your partner. He he's a go getter. He wants things done quickly. He doesn't get kids. He thinks its ridiculous for kids to have their time. He sounds pushy to me and sounds like things are moving too quickly. I think you need to slow things down. Really get to know him before you move him in with your kids, because if he's not kid friendly then its gonna be world war three on your hands.. The kids need to be comfortable and that is the key thing. I would tell the kids he's moving in with you in six months time, that the time is to get used to the idea but also work out the issues with it too. Also it makes guy realise that not everything can be done quickly, as a parent you come as a package
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I've experienced two teenage daughters and one teenage son. And I do understand how difficult they can be at times. I would tolerate the mouthy back talk just so far and would never allow anything remotely disrespectful. So I think you are doing a disservice to your daughter by being so lenient. However losing a parent at such a young age has got to be very painful and unsettling to her.
The fact that your fiancé doesn't understand this is very concerning. I think anyone, even someone who never had children can understand that she may need more time with just her Mom in her life. Is there some reason you and your boyfriend can't just push the moving in back awhile?
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2013):
 She's being a bratty teen who can't understand how you could betray her father. (that's how she sees it)
I think all 14 yr olds should be in therapy. It needs to be standard care. They have so many mixed feelings about so many things.
Giving her a day off from him so she can walk around in her jammies... yeah you are coddling her.
It's not 5 months that daddy is gone it's 5 years... please honey... did she get grief counseling when her dad passed? If not she should learn now that moving on does not mean forgetting or disrespecting.
As for him moving in now... what do you want? If you want him to move in, then yes move him in. Plan the wedding and enjoy (congrats btw)
it may come down to doing some family counseling as well which is not a bad idea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): I honestly do think that you deserve to be happy.
But your kids are your own. You just met this guy 5 months ago. Your daughter is 14 years old. She's a teenager.
She might rebel or something because she doesn't like him.
And his showing attitude towards your daughter instead of trying to patch things up and understand the situation.
You know it. That's why your asking for advise.
Let me share this again, my dad is going to kill me if he knew that I'm using him as an example all the time.
anyway, its for a good cause.
My dad is a tough man. Powerful in the sense that he is in a stage of his life where in his successful in almost every aspect of his life. Very helpful and understanding to other people. But once someone step into his children toes.
For whatever reason it might be. Say for example its our fault or someone else. He will still always choose his children. he will fight for his children. Without question asked. His reason: We are his OWN Blood.
He will never compromise his relationship with us just to please other people. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't rectify things with us. He would Scold like a LION.
But at the end of the day, we are still family and he will still prefer to choose us, all the time. We never even have the need to explain things.
We are lucky to have a dad like him.
Because he thinks that way.
As for you,
You are a mature woman already.
You have your own mind set.
Your decision will definitely have an affect on your children's future.
People may say, do this, do that but at the end of the day,
You are still the one to decide.
You know what is best for all of you.
Pray hard and Good luck!
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