A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend broke up 6 months ago because he cheated on me, however during our relationship he was the sweetest nicest man in the world, although around the time he cheated he treated me in the worst possible way but I just kept running back to him, however looking back I wonder if I ever loved him at all? A few months after I met this other guy and fell deeply in love. He obviously used me for sex, was rude and treated me like crap, but I know deep down he is a nice guy but is terrified of commitment. I tried to pursue him for a relationship but he didn't want to know. I am still not over the heartbreak, but any guy that I meet now who is nice to me physically repulses me. I really dont know what's wrong. I know I am not a horrible person but men who treat me well and give me attention I am in no way attracted to, it's almost as if I only feel attracted to men who I know are going to treat me badly, and make me unhappy. One guy who I have been seeing recently who texts and rings me all the time and gives me an unlimited amount of attention I have tried my best to like and I try to give him a chance, but it annoys me so much, as he seems so needy and clingy, and a man being nice, to me is a sign of weakness. I compare any man that comes across my path to the guy that I am still trying to get over and no one can live up to him. So am I ever going to find anyone better than him? And more importantly am I ever going to find a man attractive who actually treats me right? I need help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): First off, I think you should send the nice guy on his way as soon as possible. Even if you feel like you "should" like him, you obviously don't like him enough for it to ever work. Even if he might have theoretically worked with you if you had been feeling healthier about guys in general, this particular guy won't ever work after this kind of start. Looks like he just came into your life at the wrong time. So do the decent thing and send him on his way. Some other girl will adore him.
Why do you feel this way about guys? Probably from abuse. Emotional at least. Maybe it was the recent guys who treated you badly or maybe it was something a lot farther back in the past. But somewhere along the line, it sounds like your psyche was taught the idea that any guy formidable enough to be worth having also wouldn't bother to treat little old YOU with any decency.
I'm sorry. It really sucks to be in this position because someone else made a mess of you and now YOU have to do all the heavy lifting to clean it up. You've GOTTA get healthier about this. If you don't, then you're giving these jerks the power to ruin your life for several decades AFTER they've left you too. In the big picture, I see three possible options for you from here:
1. You work through this now. You find a good BF who's just barely nice enough for you not to run from, and/or you get counseling, etc.
2. You spend years going from bad-boy to bad-boy before eventually dealing with the issue. You find a great "nice" guy a long time from now, and both of you have to deal with A LOT of the emotional baggage you've been accruing with all these bad-boys you've been wasting yourself on in the meantime. In your better moments, you'll just wish you had dealt with it years ago. In your worse moments, you'll still wish you had a bad-boy (and you feel extra guilty/worthless for having those feelings).
3. You don't ever deal with it. You go from bad-boy to bad-boy, wasting the best years of your life. You eventually become another pissed-off & deeply unhappy 40yo single woman who complains that there's no decent men left. You'll declare that "all men are scum" after you've spent 20 years rejecting lots of decent guys to go after the scumbags.
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (13 August 2007):
 I feel sad that you enjoy being mistreated by guys who do not give a damn about you.
May I ask was you ever mistreated as a child? If so that explains why you are attracted to these JERKS and you think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. I prefer a man to give me 100% respect (call me old fashioned) it is very hard to find guys nowadays who meet these requirements as it is.
I do not for a second think that whether you are a man or woman that being nice is a sign of weakness at all. And any guy that cheats on his woman is not worth the air decent people breathe thats my opinion for what its worth.
Women give their eye teeth for the nice young man you are seeing at the moment, and it is very unfair of you to treat him with the disrespect that he does not deserve. Do the decent thing and finish with this lovely young man, and let him find a woman who is more appreciative of his chivalry.
I mean you are only young and I have a good 20 more years of experience of men, and being treated like shit is not pleasant at all for anyone regardless whether they are a man or woman.
Please give these nice guys a chance, otherwise you may end up being GOD FORBID a battered wife if you choose men like these. Do have a think of what I am advising you my love PLEASE. Dusky x
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A
male
reader, niceguy07  +, writes (12 August 2007):
 i dont think until u forget about the last man you will not have too much success with any future ones. as far as you seeing being nice as a sign of weakness, it could just be cuz you are still thinking way too much about your ex and could just be that your personality is just more masculine than some of they guys u have tried dating. it all depends too if with the nice guys u have dated or just avoid, how they react to being mistreated. do they stand up for themselves and put their foot down or do they just take it and eventually apologize for something they did not do. thats the difference between nice guys and guys who are nice...guys who are nice will not let anyone take advantage of a good quality. i hope this helps at all...good luck
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