A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a major crisis. I am 31 yrs old about to be 32. I have always had trouble making decisions in my life and I have struggled with this and know I have to work on it. My crisis now is regarding my relationship. In a nutshell, I have been dating my bf for about 3 years. We dated long distance for the first part of our relationship which was very difficult. I lived in Canada he lived in the U.S. I decited that I would take the chance to move to the U.S to see how things would work. I was here for 3months but had no statice. He wanted to get married and I was all for it. When push came to shove he changed his mind and thought it would be better for us to seperate while applying for a fiance visa. We were apart for 9months. During this time he told he would propose, then when the visa came we would marry, he never did propose. He was treating me horribly and during this time I had an x bf contacting me. I then found out my bf was cheating on me. I then had a fling with my x but didn't tell my bf. I then decited to forgive my bf and give our relationship another chance. He found out about my deception in the meantime. We then decited to give the relationship on last try and I moved back to the U.S with him. He own's a small business which I help him out with. He promised me a commitment again. 1.5 yrs later is where we are now. I have lived here with him for 1.5 years going home every 4months to Canada to keep things legal. We have had our ups and downs during this year. I decited on a date in my mind where if he didn't propose and we didn't move forward that I would move on. The date is one week away...I told him I was leaving. He now says he wants to get married again. I am in a terrible place. I feel totally unsure now. I feel like he has strung me along with promise after promise not concidering my feelings or best interest. I have given up so much for him. I put my career on hold to run his bus for next to nothing. I have a wonderful group of friends and family who I miss terribly. We haven't moved forward with all of the plans that he has promised...ie kids, house and wedding etc. I just feel so used. And now he says he wants to marry after I have kind of given up. My family/friends don't think much of him now either. I am a beautiful, caring, friendly and fun woman with so much to offer. I feel he is very self absorbed. He has been on his best behaviour since I said I was going to move on with my life. Can I trust his intentions...Can I trust his feelings for me when he has let me down so much. Is this how my life would be moving forward with him. I really have no fiends or family here which I was willing to let go of and visit when I can. I am so scared to have kids and if things were to go sour I would be stuck. I am so confused. I love him, love being with him, and have put so much into our relationship. I understand that realtionships take time. I am not sure if I trust his love for me. If he will listen to my feelings as his wife bc he hasen't until now. I would miss him terribly and don't want to make the wrong choice in leaving. I mentioned him coming to Canada but he has just launched a business that should turn out to be quite successful...I also don't want to waste time as I am not getting any younger....someone..PLEASE HELP!!Thanks for taking the time to read my story and for your kindness in answering.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): I understand trying to give marriage a try if you love someone, but any excuse or behavior that is selfish this early will only get worse. Have faith in yourself and don’t waste your life on a person who does not appreciate and respect you. This is your life, be satisfied with it.
A
female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Marriage requires consistence, faithfulness, sacrifice, and respect. Let's leave love out of it cause that's a given. Let's just talk about the above.
According to you, the man you want to marry is self-absorbed, had you move to a different country and only a few months later told you that he really didn't want to be with you (for one of the dumbest reasons I have ever heard) so you should move back, had an affair on you while you were gone, has repeatedly used the promise of a hope you have (marriage) to keep you around, pays you next to nothing to work for him, and your own family doesn't like him.
Nothing you have said makes this man a good candidate for a husband.
Marriage makes everything worse, it never fixes anything. Any problems you guys have will be tripled at least. But that's if you get to the marriage. I hate to say this but he is using an old "commitment phob trick". It's the promise that one day when the business gets off the ground, when he is more financial stable, when he is a little older, when he feels ready to settle down, when he wants to have kids....that's when he will propose to you. Now obviously there is nothing wrong with these reasons but they become a trick when there is always a new reason why you still aren't married. And realize too that even if he proposes, that gives him a few more years to stale.
As a woman, when I heard this " I am in a major crisis. I am 31 yrs old about to be 32" I knew this was coming " I also don't want to waste time as I am not getting any younger". I know it's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you wasted years on a man, are now creeping into old maid ville, and aren't any closer to having kids or a husband. But I have seen some amazing women marry the worst men I have ever known and spend their lives crying at the fact that they married such an awful man just to be married. Then they turn their attention to trying to have a kid but cause it takes 2 to do that, you may be stuck in a horrible marriage for years and years before he even considers a child.
You really need to ask yourself "If we never get married, do I want to be with this man?" If the answer is yes, then you are with the man you should marry. If the answer is no, then you need to look for someone else because you are just looking for a husband. You don't want him to be it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 This relationship is not yet ready for marriage. I wont say it never will be, clearly you love this man very much, and he loves you. But there are insecurities, promises that have not been kept, the traveling back and forth. Not to mention, you are not happy living there with him. Maybe not because of him, but you have no family there, no friends, and you constantly have to go back to Canada and then back to him again. This is very stressful. And you have no network around you to give you a break from the relationship. It can become quite a lot when you are practically sitting on top of each other when you are there with him. I mean when you don't have friends there, you naturally wont have much of your own life there, all the life you have there is your life with him. Not a life of your own.
You are not happy with this situation, and you are correct, it can not go on for longer. As far as your man goes I will not tell you to leave him. That is a decision up to you. You said your friends and family don't like him any longer. Well try not to think so much about what others feel about him. This is YOUR relationship, not theirs, and it is quite easy to sit on the sideline and tell a person what to do (just like I am doing right this moment). Only you know what is right for you.
But, you should move. You can't stay where you are now, as you are not happy. You need your life back. If he will stay a part of that life, I don't know. A real issue here is that if you stay, your pile of things that you have "sacrificed" for him will continue to grow, while he sacrifices less to nothing. That will eat up your relationship. So to get married now would not be smart. Things need to be even, you need to have a life of your own, and you need to live in a place where you are happy. Even if he is the perfect man, this is not the place for you to live with him.
Take a look at your life without factoring your boyfriend in. Make a decision based on that. Then make a decision with your boyfriend factored in afterwards. What do you want in life, where do you want to live, what do you want to do.. and after evaluating all this, is there room left for him, and how?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I don't believe your current fiancee is the right person for you to be settling down with.
It seems he is afraid of commitment whereas you are looking for stability in your life.
It looks as if he is keeping empty promises to you which is not right.
With this relationship, you don't have anything to lose. You do not have children together.
If you get married will this make you happy? If you get married will you want to be with him?
Are you genuinely wanting to be with him or are you with him for the care and love he may give??
You need to look deepely into your heart and decide what is best for you?
Think about it thoroughly and think about how he has treated you in the past 3 years?
I hope everything works out for you
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I would like to go back to the sentence "he treated me horribly", that just killed everything in my imagination, whatever that meant. You are not old at all. He's the one making you old. You have not been happy in the US. There is nothing like home. When he says he wants to get married, he doesn't have the actions to support that, such as kneeling in front of you with a ring, and going to a church together. You already knew what you are going to do. It's just the hassle of moving that's keeping you in the US.
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