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male
age
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anonymous
writes:I wanted to share my story with somebody as I'm in a situation that is eating away at me, causing me sleepless nights and affecting me in a way I never thought anything would.The cause of my problem is that I am deeply in love with my wife's sister and have been for more than 20 years and this despite the fact that I am as much in love with my wife as I have ever been.For the purposes of this story we will call my wife Kim and her sister Sarah,When I first met Kim her sister was just 16, 5 years younger than me and 2 years younger than Kim. I was always very protective of Sarah, looking upon her as my own sister not just my Kim's. Our romance was passionate as nothing I had ever experienced before, we were engaged within 5 months and married just 18 months later.I watched Sarah get involved in a series of disastrous relationships and after her parents had emigrated to Spain Kim and I were left to pick up the pieces. After one particularly nasty relationship Sarah was left with nowhere to live so we naturally told her she could come and live with us. It was at this point, spending so much time with Sarah and getting to know her as I had never done before, that I understood that my feelings for her were far more than a brother-in-law should have. Sarah looks nothing like Kim, that was never the attraction, she just shared so many of my wife's wonderful qualities that I found myself being drawn to her in a way I knew was wrong. Never at any point did I make Sarah aware of my feelings for her and it had not effect on my own marriage and my love for Kim.Finally Sarah moved out and found her own home and I hoped that what I had felt was an infatuation and that it would fade. I was wrong. I missed Sarah so much, I loved being around her as much as I loved being around Kim. It wasn't until Sarah went on to meet the man who would become her husband, some 2 years later, that I was finally able to push those emotions to the back of my mind. That's not to say my feelings subsided, they didn't, but I found I was actually able to cope with the situation.Sarah moved with her new husband 135 miles away, but that was nowhere near the end of my story. I lost my job, finding a new one very close to where Sarah lived. While we tried to sell our house Kim and by now my baby son, stayed there while I moved in with Sarah and her husband, going home just at weekends. This was to be one of the most difficult periods of my life, seeing Sarah with a man that I didn't particularly like and at the same time having my feelings for her resurface. I dealt with the problem by simply staying out of the way, not coming out of my bedroom unless I had to, something that went on for 6 months. By this time Kim's parents had returned and now lived a 2 minute walk from Sarah and I then moved in with them. It was a further 6 months until Kim and my son could join us and we rented a house not too far away from Sarah and Kim’s parents. Everything was good for several years, by now my second son was born and I was once again able to deal with my feelings for Sarah.Our worlds crashed in the space of 9 months when first Kim’s Father died and her Mum, who was more like a Mother to me than anything also died. It was something that brought the 3 of us together in a way I can’t explain, all we had was each other, despite the presence of Sarah’s husband who I felt, for reasons I can’t understand, was an interloper.We are now a further 10 years down the line during which Kim and I were deeply troubled about Sarah’s marriage. We knew something wasn’t right during all this time and this came to a head when after a particularly violent outburst lead to Sarah’s husband leaving their home and Sarah refused to let him back in. Her marriage was at an end. It transpires that Sarah had been involved in an abusive relationship for many years, the violence and the mental torment getting worse with the passing years. I immediately felt guilt, this girl who I loved so much, yet I had been unable to protect her.In the months since both Kim and I have helped rebuild Sarah’s life, but once again the feelings I’ve had for her are back and I just don’t know how I can deal with it now. We see her regularly and I feel my stomach doing somersaults everytime I see her car pull up on our drive. What’s worse is that my behaviour around her has changed, I have become over-protective to the extent where it borders on jealousy as she has started a new relationship. I miss her terribly when she’s away and when she’s out with another man it hurts so much.I have tried to explain to her why I’m so protective of her and of the relationship the three of us share, but I have never and will never tell her how much I love her through fear of hurting so many people. As Sarah is the executor of my Will what I did was to write her a letter, a letter that she must only open in the event of my death and that describes my love for her.In no way has my love for Sarah ever affected the way I love my wife. Kim is my soul mate, my partner for life, the perfect wife, mother and lover; however my love for Sarah, despite my denials goes just as deep. Sometimes things can be said without words being spoken and as Kim knows me better than anybody on this planet I’m certain she knows how much I love Sarah. With the three of us being so close I’d be surprised if Sarah wasn’t aware either, but I will always be loyal to Kim, my love for her supersedes anything that I might feel. My problem though is here and now how do I cope with loving two women so deeply without the pain and hurt I’m feeling in seeing Sarah be with someone else? I feel selfish, I feel guilty, but I also know that I would never tell my secret even though it's breaking my heart.
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engaged, jealous, moved in, moved out, period, soulmate, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionholliegeorgie,
Very sound advice, very interesting point about looking at flaws not perfections, putting Sarah on a pedestal is something I have been accused of so I see exactly where you're coming from. Moving away is really not an option for a number of reasons, but I do see the sense in what you're saying.
LoveGirl
Ouch!
I think I have either written my piece badly, else you have misinterpreted it. Sarah does not move from one man to another, nor is she in and out of sexual relationships. Before she was married she had 3 bad relationships, but was then married for 19 years to an abusive partner. I do understand what you are saying, but the situation is really not like you are painting it. For what it's worth my wife has never been second best at any point, these are my private thoughts and feelings that I would never share with anyone, which is why I don't see it as betrayal. The content of the letter is hardly a 'love letter', I know because I wrote it. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt the people I love most in this world even if it does hurt me, it's how I deal with it that is the essence of my question.
Thank you both for taking the time to reply. If nothing else sitting and writing this has been something of a cleasnsing exercise.
B x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 If I were Sarah and I got the love letter after you died, all I would feel is pity for Kim, and that I (Sarah) was the reason her husband can't be completely faithful to her. I know you didn't cheat and never intended to but you always had two women in your mind. I want my lover to only think of me. You idealized Sarah and you have to realize feelings are just feelings. You also want something you can't have. You can write a cheesy romance novel about yourself but in real life this can't be. In your dream, tell Sarah if there is a next life, you pledge to be with her. Now devote yourself to your wife only.
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reader, holliegeorgie.x +, writes (30 August 2010):
 This is extremely difficult to answer without hurting anybody. Kim is your wife, mother to your children and the love of your life and her sister is a desire to you and desires are like being dehydrated, you long for the touch of water. You need to think deeply about what you want. Maybe suggest moving away to Kim, think about your children who I'm sure you love dearly. Think of the perfect life you hold and the happiness you could have. Maybe take a long holiday. Also think of Sarah's happiness. If you love her as much as you say think of the man she could meet, she can never be with you. She couldn't hurt her sister or nephews like that, just like you can't hurt them like that either. I know it's hard but try to think of the flaws in Sarah instead of the perfections or it makes it just the harder. I suggest getting away with your family, the family you built and love. Don't forget that, don't let the longing take away the best part of your life. Without Kim you wouldn't have any of the things you have
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): i have read this Slowly and tried to embrace your words, thoughts and feelings.
Although you may feel that you have not robbed KIM of anything, you have. You have invested so much into a user', a 'taker" , a 'usurper". you are looking at Sarah with rose tinted glasses and to add insult to injury you leave her a love letter. what would this do to your wife? can you even comprehend that devastation. you have robbed your wife while you are alive, and you will rob her again by confessing your undying love for your SIL. A SIL i may add who moved from one sexual relationship to another, uing and destroying in the process. how many "relationships" has she had in all these years you have known her? too many to count, isnt it?
your wife has taken her sister in, loved her unconditionally, stood by her through all the hardships, been there for her when she had no one and ALL THE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN DECEIVING YOUR WIFE. I SAY deceiving because in essence this is what you have been. what do you love about this Sarah. she has dysfunctional relationships all the time, moving from one man to another, in and out of sexual relationships, not being fussy about the man she hooks up with.
loving this person from afar is one thing , but betraying your wife is another.
think about that letter and that letter being the ultimate betrayal. how many years are you married. making your wife second best is just plain cruel .think about what i am saying. is this fair? just? justifiable? or just plain cruel on your part?
What is wrong with this love? EVERYTHING?? You have been investing your all in Sarah at the expense of your wife and marriage. Last time i checked marriage is about 2 people not 3. So maybe you need to re evaluate your marriage to your wife, and your involvement with her sister. You cannot have both so please choose wisely.
-LoveGirl
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