A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a rough story and I get a little emotional telling it. I've been dating my girlfriend on and off for 4 and a half years and we've been through a lot together. I met her after hurricane Katrina when I relocated to Houston for school and we officially met in a study room... from then on we were inseparable for the next 2 and a half years. We both aspired to be doctors. I was first, and got accepted into a school in Chicago leaving her in Houston sad... but we did our best for the first semester... the distance and my new schedule made things difficult. At the end of the first semester, I got horrible news.. my mother died. She was a single parent and my best friend. The rigors of school didn't make things any easier but I finished the first year above water. My girlfriend actually applied to med school when I did but didn't get in at that time. I got into a C list school... but for some reason I always pushed her to be much better than me and although she didn't believe she could I made her apply to several top schools and she actually got into a very well known ivy league school. During the year off from school I also made her apply for a very prestigious internship which she also got and moved to California to spend a year in the internship. Thats when things went sour... my 2nd year of school was the hardest and not to mention I was very busy with leadership activites at my school. I had never been under so much stress in my life. This was when things changed for the worst. When she got to Southern Cal, she went wild. She also comes from a single mother home and living with her mom and raising her younger sister during undergrad, she had never been tempted to experience college life. As a post grad living on campus she changed completely... she started partying, seeing other guys behind my back, and pushing me away more and more everyday. Meanwhile, I had never really grieved over my mothers passing because I never had the time to. Eventually, all the leadership activities, and the extremely tough curriculum of the 2nd year got to me and I broke down. I failed a class and the other stresses in my life also came tumbling down… it was definitely the lowest point in my life. Meanwhile my better half, after she had been somewhat flaky lately I told her of the news and it was almost like I never told her anything because form that moment on, she turned into someone I didn’t know. The conversations started getting shorter and shorter, I knew less and less about her life and how school was going with her, and she eventually pushed me away completely while I was going through my lowest point ever. I needed someone to talk to and being so busy all the time and dealing with my mothers death I never developed relationships with my classmates so I had no one to talk to. Then the arguments started… the arguments went on for months til eventually I started becoming suicidal. Every night we’d be on the phone til 4 am arguing and it would end up with me pulling a weapon and threatening to end it all… I’m ashamed to say that. My grades got worse, my depression got worse and eventually I didn’t recognize myself anymore. The semester ended with me on academic probation, my school had stripped me of all my awards, my leadership position, and my reputation was ruined, we were broken up, and my depression was prolonged. Christmas came around and we talked about our problems… she sincerely apologized for her negligence and being cold hearted and not supporting me through my low points of finally grieving over my mother and the tough time with school. We promised we’d work on it. So after Christmas when the new semester came about we both went back to our lives, her in Southern Cal, me to Chicago. Things didn’t change, the arguing and her shadyness continued and one night I ended up in the ER from busting my head into a glass window from an anxiety attack (just so you know, I have no history of any anger, violence, or abuse but the lifestyle change within the year and all the events that had taken place in only one year had extremely effected my mental well being). By then we both had to alert my immediate family of what was going on, because it had gotten to serious. I contemplated on sitting out of school. But decided my mother would kill me if she were alive so I decided to finish. I got counseling an it helped tremendously. We fixed all of our problems eventually, and I got back to 100% of myself, my confident self whom got me to the successful bright future I was looking forward to. But my reputation has been so damaged my work is done at my current school and in fact I have to take summer classes to make up the classes I failed instead of doing my dream internship I had been offered in Washington D.C. this summer (and its my last chance to do it too). Also I had been selected to run for national president of a 5,000 member organization but since I have summer school, I can’t do that as well… so basically my career has taken a huge hit, and hers keeps getting better and better. My girlfriend ended up getting into the top 5 med school (in fact she got into 2 of them) I made her apply to, She’s been to 10 conferences all over the U.S. in less than 2 months completely paid for (because of the internship I made her apply to). I have been talking to a few friends about this… don’t get me wrong things are much much better and she is truly sorry for last semesters events. But now my situation is one of distrust, I don’t know if I am completely over it. I do forgive her, but is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? My life has changed drastically from her nonchalant and even destructive attitude last semester and she has changed completely because of what she’s done. The last straw was tonight, she said that she forgot that tomorrow she has a conference with the Harvard business review and she just remembered at the last minute. After hearing her say that, I knew that I was unhappy, not that I was jealous, but just the fact I had worked so hard to get to where I was in my career and guided her to a bright one as well, she ruined me, and I helped her get to where she was. Should I continue this? My heart isn’t in it right now, but it could be later… we haven’t taken any breaks since my mothers passing in Jan 09. Do we need a lot of time apart?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (6 May 2010):
 I think you need to devote your mental and emotional energy to getting back on track with your career aspirations instead of focusing on this relationship. You've allowed your interactions with her to distract you long enough. It's time to create a life for yourself where you are--including building social networks--and restore your reputation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Your gf has found her niche in life and is feeling that you are in the way of her achievements.
This relationship is going nowhere fast and she is pulling away from you. Rather call it quits and put your life back together again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): I really feel for you! I think that you lost sight of the whole objective here and then got your wires twisted so bad that you are not sure whats what anymore! You are young, smart and have a chance to fix YOUR life! Finish your school and become the doctor you want to be. In this section you can salvage 100%. WRT the girl however, you seem to want to be given an award for all the help or advice you've given her. You gave her advice and she took it and made a success out of it...why are you so hung up on getting credit for it? What would you have her do? Not go to the conferences...turn the opportunities down coz it makes you feel bad? In addition, her playing behind your back and you wanting to kill yourself is JUST NOT FAIR! You need to let this girl go... Focus on fixing YOU!!! Right now you are pushing yourself down because you are resenting her success and in comparison to her you feel like a failure! Life is not about always getting what we want! Right now FIX YOU! Let her go...get your school done and then you can find the most beautiful girl in the world and marry her! Be strong and god bless xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): you need to talk to her and tell you how you feel, honesty is the best policy and find out where each of you stand and whether you both truly want to contine this relationship. xx
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