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Anonymous 123
writes:I’ve been a moderator here on DC for a while and it’s a great forum. It really irritates me though when the OP shows no regard for the aunts who’ve taken time to answer questions. We moderators don’t know you, yet we spend time poring over every written word, every line of your post, so as not to allow anything remotely offensive, word your title correctly, scan through your answers as best as we can. The aunts who answer questions offer the best advice that they can.Despite this, there are hardly even half as many follow-ups or thank yous’ as there are questions. People don’t mind posting questions with a plead for help, but don’t even have the decency to thank those who’ve helped them. What’s worse is when they argue back saying…”don’t judge me, you don’t know me”. Ya right. Because you’re so special that no one else has been through whatever you’re going through right now. Or “don’t tell me what not to do; I just want to know how to do it”. Instead of being appreciative, you’re giving attitude to the very people who’ve been trying to help you!! Please keep in mind that a little humility goes a long way. It doesn’t cost anything to be nice. Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Thanks Anon123
Some of these questions really do make you "lose your faith in humanity"...I think I'm quoting dirtball when I say that.
For the record, I do wear pants around my in-laws so I know exactly how you feel :) Some people do things I can't relate to at all...Sometimes I end up following the article for the anthropogical experience rather than answer...it's like freak show on this site sometimes... you just can't lookaway. Another reason I love this site.
-mishmash
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (31 March 2011):
Anonymous 123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the feedback.
I understand your point Mishmash, there are times when the aunts get into a battle of words between themselves and the OP is no longer the focus of attention. Thats a pity really, because we're not here to prove ourselves right or wrong, we dont even know who the other person is; yet sometimes the aunts are hell bent on proving themselves right by attacking others. Its very puerile.
I agree that the aunts could be a little gentler too. There was a question posted by a guy who said that his sister-in-law walked around naked in the house in his presence, and he was wondering if it was right or wrong. So I answered this question with my own conviction (obviously)that it was definitely not normal and I'v never heard of something like this and put an end to it...you know...I mean, you're two grown people capable of being sexually attracted to each other. Why tug on that line??
Oh that was not taken well!! Apparently it was very normal and natural behavior for the other aunts who posted there and I was surprised to see that kind of aggression!!
Anyway, to each his own i guess. But yes, I'v grown a thicker skin now, I would personally never attack an aunt and of course its a great site!! One learns from every bit of it...and I love being here!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): I agree with you larger point Anon123. Some posters literally don't want the advice they've asked for.
I know from my real life and occasionally on this site I sometimes haven't liked the advice I've been given at first. Sometimes, advice is hard to take graciously because you have to acknowledge you've messed up or done something wrong. It's an issue of pride as well as selfishness and laziness.
Some people treat this site like their 2nd conscience, they outsource their inner-debates to the internet...no one goes around thanking their conscience for kicking in...they tend to blame it from keeping them from their fun.
It doesn't mean that un-appreciated advice was worthless, it just means that the asker might not want to acknowledge they were wrong in the first place. I know I've been in this situation before.
I do think though that your call for humility can go both ways and some of the aunts could use it too. Some aunts get side tracked disagreeing with another aunt or putting down the OP for some behavior they find morally transgressive.
Yesterday, I disagreed with another aunt and then was compared unfavorably to the "problem woman" in the OPs scenario and given unsolicited relationship advice.
Why does that suck? Apart from being insulted and being told why my relationship was doomed for failure, the OP never got his question answered directly.....the other aunt was too busy trying to yank my chain.
Disagreeing with people is an art and it's hard to do without making another person defensive. I'm still learning how to do that and it's one of the reasons I like this site.
Other times, the OP gets ignored when people literally don't answer the question asked, or when aunts derail the discussion. I thought this question was an especially good example of a bad tendency:
www.dearcupid.org/question/whats-wrong-with-being-sexually-conservative.html
This question started a civil and lively discussion about sexual conservatism, but somewhere along the line became a flame war about the OPs previous pornography use. AND it was a flame war started by aunts (perhaps even moderators) who didn't like his point of view. An aunt essentially used his previous question history to call him a hypocrite and a moral failure by his own standards. This guy didn't deserve to be treated this way, he hadn't said anything offensive to anyone. Why would someone who went through this thank us? Honestly, I think DC failed this OP.
The fallout from this is people don't want to ask for advice because they see what happens to other people. That's why you get questions prefaced by "Go easy on me" or "Please don't call me a deadbeat" Sometimes, I think the aunts could benefit from a little humility too.
"Thank you"s are definitely nice, but if we told everyone what they wanted to hear to exact "thank you"s we wouldn't be doing our job. Rest assured if you're thoughful and you take the time to read and answer the question posed, you've helped someone, even if they didn't have the nerve to say thanks.
What to do about it? Grow a thicker skin and remember to take the high road when it comes to arguments. That's probably why you were chosen as a moderator.
The gratitude is always nice, but I enjoy this site for selfish reasons as well:
-I learn through other people's mistakes (I now see a lot of potential landmines before they go off)
-I have a stronger sense of my own moral compass
-You have to admit that some of these questions are entertaining.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I find the battles can be more invigorating than a thank you.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (28 March 2011):
 For me, it's the feedback I've gotten from other aunts and uncles that keeps me going. Occasionally I'll see a follow up thanking us, or get a PM asking for more advice because they liked what I had told them. That also helps.
It is annoying when that stuff happens, but it's also par for the course here. What bothers me more is when a thread that you may devote hours of thought to disappears because something inappropriate shows up or because the OP deletes their account. I really wish people didn't have the option of deleting all their posts when they leave this place. So much good advice has been lost because of it that could have been beneficial to those of us who search through old posts for nuggets of wisdom.
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (28 March 2011):
Anonymous 123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI liked your article Dirtball...isint it so annoying when the OP just doesnt give a damn, especially when the aunts have given a thoughtful, considerate answer??!!
You have a good point though...most people need a validation that they are right in whatever they're doing. They dont care about the advice, they just want the ..."ya you're right, you SHOULD carry on with the teacher crush" or " yep he/she likes you", or "of COURSE the threesome is a great idea!!"!!
One of the first answers that I posted here was for a 15 year girl who said something about finding sex gross, and I had written that you're just too young to be even thinking about sex right now...there is a right time for everything. She snapped back saying, I dont need your advice about sex being good for me or not, just tell me how I can enjoy it!!
Wow!!
Anyway!! All we can do is keep replying and hope it makes a difference to at least one person!
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reader, dirtball +, writes (28 March 2011):
LMAO! It's because people are selfish and lazy. Many also just come for validation so when they don't get what they want, they lash out or disappear.
I wrote a similar article that you may like: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-did-you-even-ask.html
Sadly, much of what we tell people here falls on deaf ears.
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