A
female
age
30-35,
*taliangurl28
writes:Hey, everyone. So I met a guy a few weeks ago and we have been on 3 dates total. I enjoyed my time with him and he's quirky in the way that he thinks and he can come off like an ass, not in a malicious way, but it intrigues me and he has treated me overall pretty well. On a 3rd date however, he took it too far in my opinion. I was talking about my sister and he asked if she looked like me. I said yeah, everyone thinks we look so much a like and he's like, "so, she's hot?" I decided to show him a picture of her and he's like "oh! She's hot!" and he was staring at the picture and said she looked like some actress. He then said she was hot again and he looked at me, comparing us, and said yeah, we do look alike. I then showed him one of my sister, mom, and I. He said "yeah, she's hot," again, and seemed to only be looking at her in the picture. This made me soooo uncomfortable. I feel like my sister and I are always be compared, though we have a 9 year age difference; she's 37 and I'm 28 but she looks good for her age and has her hair done all the time and wears expensive makeup. He's 35. But I guess because we're always being compared, it takes a toll on me. If he said, "yeah, she's pretty," nonchalantly and not make it like a big deal, it wouldn't have bothered me. And I know it's natural for people to think others are attractive but I think it's different when it's your own sibling they are talking about. I made it known to him that for future reference, don't tell a girl how hot her sister is. He thought I was joking in how mad I got. I told him I would never say that about his brother and he said he wouldn't care if I did and that he thinks his brother is good looking. He said to give him a break and not be so serious. He said he was joking and he apologized and said he would never say something like that again. I told him "well I have hot friends too, do I have to worry about that?" He said, he wouldn't say that about friends. He was saying it like "oh you have a hot sister, good for you, that's a compliment to you" (seriously?). I think I'd rather him say a friend is hot than my own sister. I told him that would probably be the last time he was going to see me. After he dropped me off, he was texting and calling me for 2 hours. He was texting me saying he didn't think she was hot at all, he was just saying it like, "oh she's a good looking girl," and that I said it myself that we look alike. He apologized again and said we were just getting to know each other and wanted another chance, and that if he knew I would get upset, he wouldn't have said it. He said he would never do that again and he fucked up. What is your opinion on this? I know I may be overreacting but my concern is that if I ever brought him over to meet her, I would be watching to see how he looked at her and know that he's going to check her out and it will bother me. My ex boyfriend said we looked alike but he never looked at her or made comments in a way that ever made me feel insecure. If I was really into a guy, I wouldn't be gawking at his brother no matter what he looked like.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): Ok this may sound blunt, but maybe if you took a step back and looked at it from a different view point, words can have a different meaning to different people when taken out of context. When you were on dates with him and speaking to him has he said that you were hot? Maybe after only the 3rd date he is still a little shy on how to approach the subject and compliment you.Maybe in his head he was thinking he can compliment you by saying that 1) You and your sister look alike after you confirmed this.2) By saying she is hot and she looks like you *DING DING* maybe he is saying you are hot. 3) When you blatantly pulled out another photo with her in it even though you didn't like his first response to a photo just of her, and you were in that photo too, maybe he was looking at you in the picture. (Didn't know you could read minds but you state he was looking at her.)4) Yes he may find your sister also attractive, why is that such a bad thing if the 2 of you look alike. Doesn't mean he is already planning on marrying you and then having an affair with her. WTF is wrong in your head.I think this comes down to you own insecurity. You have lost your confidence. I notice you repeatedly bring up your ex's. Why are you trying to compare your new BF's to your ex's? Are you still not over him? I think you need to be single for a while and get over your ex first. I think he hurt you and are still in love with him.I think this guy got a lucky break from you as I think he was always only going to be a rebound.Again "I think" is my opinion on the situation by reading what you have said and can be interpreted that way to "me". Good luck in the future if you think every guy is a jackass and you still expect to meet 1 that isn't when in your mind they are all out for 1 thing.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2018):
 Holy Moly, OP it is only the third date!! Believe me you might think this is normal behavior but it is not, and nobody will ever get passed the dating scene with you if you continue to act this insecure. First your friend, now your sister. Stop comparing yourself to other girls. Different guys have different likes in women, some go for nice eyes, some for round hips. So stop comparing yourself to other women. You really need to work on learning to love yourself and not to compare with others, if you don't you will go through life with some major issues. Another thing you need to remember that even though you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you cannot appreciate another women (or man). Just because he said she was hot does not mean he is having sexual thoughts about her, there is more to men than that you know!! Honestly OP your mind is in over drive all the time and you are only going to end up being lonely if you keep this up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): Prettier this, prettier that. Good god.... I think you really have to let go whatever it is that's holding you back from just being YOU, and just being a good sister. You say in the first paragraph: why can't we both be pretty and leave it at that, but then you go into a paragraph with the comparisons! Yes it's an insecurity issue...it's also a trust issue, maybe. You can love your sister, trust her, and be proud of her for being who she is as your sister. And you can also love yourself and be proud of yourself, too without thinking about how it compares to HER - or any other woman! You say a girl with an attractive sister can best relate to you - but, I don't relate at all. I want you to understand that this is NOT how all sisters are. I DO happen to have a very attractive sister, she is someone who is very beautiful, but also very talented, successful, hilarious, tells the best stories, and I love her. I've always been proud of her, and so WHAT IF some people, including me, guys and my prior boyfriends and EVEN MY HUSBAND thinks that she is beautiful or more beautiful or whatever! I'm NOT in competition with her. And everyone is entitled to an opinion, it's subjective.I also have absolute trust in her - we are very loyal to each other. So in some ways it's not even about this guy being trustworthy - do you trust your sister? You know, couples break up, and even when married, they divorce, but a sister will always be a sister. Maybe some ridiculously good looking sisters, or family members, like you said, really suck and are horrible. But not all are! And the only thing YOU have control over here is to be a good sister yourself and feel proud of her when she gets complimented. YOU don't have to be one of those awful family members. And obsessing over it and being petty about silly compliments and comments is NOT helping you be one of the better ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): reading your original post, i did ask myself 'did she kinda invite this issue upon herself a little?' but reading your responses, I believe you didn't at all. I think I understand your issue with the fact that most men seem to make a fuss over your sister, it would annoy anyone!
However, even using such a thing as a filter would make sense, to me at least! I mean, if a guy can't control himself in such a way to prevent his jaw hitting the foor, his eyes popping out and him gasping in response to just a photo, can he control himself in real time? Maybe not.
Maybe most boyfriends will think your sister is attractive. The ones who keep that to themselves are the ones that are genuinely interested in you.
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A
female
reader, italiangurl28 +, writes (24 January 2018):
italiangurl28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely agree and have the same thinking pattern of the reader who said that he can't take back what he said, and that it will cause future insecurities at family events. He's made it known he is attracted to her as well, if not more by his reaction, and I would always have that in the back of my mind if he was around her as I'm sure sexual thoughts about her would run through his mind. Call me insecure and say I have issues all you want, I don't think what I'm feeling is out of the norm. Girls who have attractive sisters, will be the ones who could relate best. I have a friend who compared one of our mutual acquaintances who was very beautiful, to her beautiful sister, and when I said how they look alike and they are both pretty, she said she thinks her sister is prettier. Why does that have to be said? Why can't they BOTH be pretty and leave it at that? Anyways, there's something completely different about comments like that being said about family members. I've heard horror stories of boyfriends or husbands leaving their wives for the wives' cousin, dating one sister and then the other, or admitting to having sexual thoughts, and often, about a female member of the wife's family. Yes, they may happen, but to hear actually hear it out loud from the guy you're dating, that he is also attracted to your sister, is not a good feeling, and that was only from a picture. As far as my relationship with my sister, we get along well. She got the attention growing up and I always heard how pretty everyone thought she was, as she was 9 years ahead of me, and it never bothered me. As I got older, prettier, started wearing makeup and dying my hair blonde (she dyes her hair blonde too, and no I did not copy her), however, the comparisons started happening more often and we've had people say "just when I think one is prettier, then I look and I think the other one is the prettier one." People have said things to my mom about who they think is prettier, and we've had things said to our faces about it. While I find older guys seem to be more attracted her (I do look really young for my age), truthfully, most have said I was the prettier one but I find that whoever among the two of us, meets the other's friends, acquaintances or whoever second, seem to find the one they meet second, prettier. I don't know if that's because they are used to seeing one and then they see the other, but it's weird. I know she deals with the same thing but we've never spoken about it. She was not the golden child or the smarter one to answer one of the reader's questions. It's just growing up and dealing with the constant comparisons, and it can get to you after awhile. Regardless, I have chosen not to continue my relationship with this guy, which is unfortunate because I did have fun with him, but I know it will cause more issues in the future.Thanks again for all of your feedback!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2018): OP, you have some major insecurity issues that you need to work on that have very little to do with any of the men you have dated, past or present.It appears you have some sort of rivalry going with your sister. Even if only in your own head.Was she the golden child? The first born? Your parent's favourite in your eyes? Is she more accomplished? Smarter? Prettier? What's the back story on the relationship with your sister?That seems to be at the root of your problems.Your jealousy towards her.If you continue to compare yourself to her or other people, you will never be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I disagree with some of the other aunts and uncles who said you set him up for this. No you did not! HE is the one who asked if your sister looked like you, then HE is the one who said "so she's hot too"...blah blah...HE brought the whole thing up, and so then you showed him a picture...how is that you setting him up? I don't think they read your question carefully. Do I think you are overreacting? No. Now, I think that unfortunately as someone said he might be a good guy without a filter. UNFORTUNATELY some things can not be unsaid and would just cause a lifetime of insecurity. I do not think this is an easy thing to forget and move past. It will cause a rift between you and your sister because you will always wonder if he wants your sister more, or is thinking about her sexually a lot. Family is taboo- you don't imply that you are into a girl's sister or mom- even if you have a passing thought about it you keep that to yourself, because he should understand that the family unit is sacred and he is just wreaking havoc where he should be devoted to you and shut up about the rest.He probably spoke without thinking, but this is VERY immature of him and shows that he will likely put his foot in his mouth a lot. At your age he should know that it is bad manners to talk about a woman being hot to his own girlfriend. And 100 x worse to talk about her sister in that way. I am going to be honest here and say I asked a somewhat similar question a few weeks ago, because I am dating a guy who went on about other hot girls to me which I just found to be in bad taste and rude and I am still getting over that. YES we get it, guys fantasize, that is fine, but we don't need to hear about it-- that is just belittling and hurtful. Like your guy, my guy didn't mean any harm by it and didn't have a filter and was very immature. I gave him a second chance and explained why his behaviour was rude, which he listened to and changed. HOWEVER if he had brought my sister into it I would NOT have given him a second chance. What I am getting at is he may not be a bad guy, it may have been "innocent stupidity", but it was incredibly insensitive and has the potential to make your family events very awkward as you cannot un-hear that. Some things you just NEVER say, it is better that way. He crossed that line and personally I would break up and find a guy who won't belittle you by essentially comparing you to your sister (by drawing attention to her appearance he WAS comparing you). He was probably stupid enough to think it was a compliment if he said you were both hot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): Well, I guess it's a girl-thing; but you did say he was quirky. That can translate two-ways. Having the potential to be stupid, or missing a filter.
Sometimes we guys trip over our d*cks and things come out of our mouths that sounded better when it was still in our heads. I think that's the case here. It's a given you're hot, because you look like your hot sister! He might have forgotten how you carefully choose your words when voicing your opinion of a woman; when you're in the company of women. Some things are rhetorical or meant for observation; and require no verbal-response. Male slip-up! Guilty here! I've done it. Not a fan of campy-clothing that makes nice women look cheap. There's a difference between sexy and slutty. It's a matter of opinion, so zip the lip!
I've gotten a pass from women only because I'm gay; but not without admonishment! It's best to be diplomatic when you answer certain questions presented to you by a woman. He didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You may have overreacted; because of your own insecurities and pent-up resentment.
You could have told him you were insulted by the fact he ogled your sister; and kept repeating his opinion like a broken-record. All he's guilty of is being a dummy.
You had the opportunity to show your self-confidence and humorous side; but you struck-out by going into b*tch-mode. There would have been a more appropriate time for that. Like if he said she was dog, or used some sort of expletive.
He deserves another chance. He did apologize, but if you have a low-tolerance for a dork; don't waste your time.
I've got a low-tolerance for dorks. I'm just saying.
You're still hot, whatever you decide!
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A
female
reader, italiangurl28 +, writes (22 January 2018):
italiangurl28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. Thanks so much for the feedback and I value all of your opinions. I know some of you say I “set him up” but I was just talking about her in conversation and then he asked if she’s like me and if we look alike. Yes I chose to show him the pic, and admittedly, I wanted to see his reaction as she is also closer to his age and I’d rather find out now if he’s going to be that superficial and save myself from the insecurity of whether I’d have a problem if they met. I did have a guy come over one time without knowing what she looked like, and after saying we looked a lot alike, he was blatantly checking her out in front of me for awhile and it bothered me. I honestly thought my current date’s next possible question was going to be, do you have a picture? I beat him to it. I wasn’t looking for him to say she wasn’t pretty as that wouldve offended me. Like I said, if he just said she’s pretty and left it at that instead of how hot she was and loudly like he was surprised, then there wouldn’t be an issue. For whatever reason, I’ve had guys I’ve been on dates with in the past, ask to see a picture of her or ask what she looks like just by finding out I have a sister which is extremely annoying. They shouldn’t care what she looks like, they aren’t dating her and she’s married with 3 kids. I could care less what my dates’ siblings look like. I’m not with them. Regardless, I most likely won’t be going out with him again, and I’ll have to handle that situation differently in the future. Also for the record, one of you said I don’t like my sister and not take it out on the guy. I don’t know how that was interpreted through my question. I’m not blaming her for being pretty and I don’t have an issue with her. I have an issue with the way some of my dates respond to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I have to agree with the sentiment among some aunts and uncles that you kind of set him up with that question and conversation. You didn't outright ask him if he thought she was hot, but (most of) us guys know that the conversation you were having is dangerous territory! His confidence let him take theconversation in the wrong direction!As for what he said, well your reaction is totaly subjective. One person might be ok with their date complimenting the looks of their siblings, another might not. If you choose to take offence or a dislike, it's your choice. It's only the 3rd date afterall!Whether to give him another chance? Well, as an outsider, I don't know the personality involved. You tried to describe him, though. It sounds to me like he might well have been a bit of a player and would have added your sister onto his wishlist! But I wasn't there, so don't know.I would add that if you brought up the conversation hoping to feed your ego in some way, only for it to backfire,then you do need to stop and think about your own issues. But that still doesn't mean you have to like what he said!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2018):
 Honestly?
You kind of set this up. Were you hoping he would RAG on your sister when you showed him the picture? To make YOU feel better? Who does that?
He didn't say she was HOTTER than you, just that she was hot.
I think you are TOTALLY overreacting.
He made the mistake of answering the "does my butt look big" question. You SET him up to fail. Had he said meeh she is OK, you might have been offended too. He was trying to be funny about it, but you only took offense. THAT was his mistake. He didn't know you feel you have to compete with other women when it comes to looks.
I think you need to leave this poor man alone.
I have to say a guy of 35 should have known better than to talk into a set-up like that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 January 2018):
 Clearly, you are very focused on being compared to other women. (Background here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-pretty-friend-gets-constant-attention-how-do.html )
My advice would be to re-read the advice given there, and to ask yourself why you put yourself in the position of being compared. Don’t show pictures of your sister to your dates.
Take a compliment instead. When this man said, “oh so she’s hot too?” You simply could have said “yes, and I’m flattered you think I’m hot.” Skip the picture sharing until you get this need to compare out of your system.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 January 2018):
 Are you over reacting? 3rd date? you can dump anyone for any reason on the third date in my opinion. After all dating is all about finding out how compatible you are.
My opinion of this situation is that it is pretty silly to dump the boyfriend because you are mad at your sister.
You pretty much set up this scene.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (22 January 2018):
You are being childish. Do not take you insecurities out on the guy. I ll say give him another chance as he might not mean it in a bad way.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2014  +, writes (22 January 2018):
I dont think you are entirely over reacting. But there are a few issues that you need to be aware of. If you are not comfortable with the present guy whom you are dating because of the way he looked at your sister, then its best to let him go. Sometimes as human beings we often prefer to trust our instincts. In such situations you might find it difficult to believe his assurances even if they are genuine. I am not saying you are at fault here. But our minds work this way. If my date gave me any such assurances if would probably ask him to shut his trap and tell him that i would prefer to believe what I saw with my own eyes instead of his explanations. Secondly he is 35 - closer to your sister's age- and much older than you. You might want to take a reality check if he is overtly mature or old for you, with tastes in women and other things befitting his age.Lastly but not the least, your previous boyfriends too might have found your sister hot but were polite and respected you and the relationship that they had with you enough not to make such impolite comparisons. This is where this guy fails. I wont fault him for thinking of your sis as good looking or hot, but I find him overtly tactless as far his expressions to you about this fact, are concerned. Also I would request you not to judge the men in your life or measure their worth solely based on the expressions that they display when you show them your family photo or your sisters photo. Before affecting your relationships it is likely that their reactions can affect you and your self confidence very badly. A guy who truly loves you wont bother about how your family looks. And true love takes time. So if you dont feel confident enough about yourself (and therefore let the comparisons get to you) the guy or the relationship, its best not to show your family pics to another guy in future. At least not until you know for sure that he is genuine. On a concluding note, whoever you are I am sure you are beautiful and unique in your own way. So stay strong and dont let such useless comparisons get to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I know you will probably get replies telling you to get over it cause it seems us women are expected to simply put up with the obscene amount of objectification that men put on us now days but I'm with you on this It was inappropriate and unkind and you would always feel he had a thing for your own sister simply because like you said ' he singled her out in the photo even when it included his own gf - you! It actually showva complete lack of any empathy for your feelings and that he places huge importance on female looks . What else does he value women for other than how they look I wonder because in this instance he put his desire to objectify your sister above your need for respectbor consideration of your feelings I think your right . Let him go find a woman ego floats his boat like your sister obviously does and you find someone who has eyes for you and knows how to behave as if he cares about you
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