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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in need of some advice..my b/f and i are 29 years old and have been together for almost a year..i have no doubt that we truly love each other and we see a future together. We are both currently staying with family members in order to save money. We also only see each other on weekends due to work and our distance. We don't live that but it's far enough in terms of traffic, just being tired after work etc..we do try and meet throughout the week here and there as well. He treats me very well and it is the best relationship i have been in. I feel loved when I am with him through his actions, affection towards me etc.He has a very tight knit circle of friends due to the area he lives..they basically all grow up togehter and don't seem to let go. In this way i feel they are immature and haven't moved on with their lives yet. It sitll seems like highschool or college---They still expect each other to be around basically every weekend or every other. Personally i feel life kind of moves forward and I don't expect friends to be around all the time anymore due to more responsibilities. My b/f gets this guilt feeling if doesn't see a friend for a week or two; i personally think after a certain point in life--it is bound to happen. I don't expect to be almost 35 years old and running to see friends every single weekend. My issue from the beginning was a girl within the circle whom he used to sleep with, had feelings for, probably loved--they were never an item but obviously something was there and they had even slept together a year before we got together.The girl loves attention and also thinks these guys are her territory due to the fact she knows them longer; she doesn't let go and respect people moving on in my opinion either. When my b/f and i were out on a 4th date and with a few of his friends I noticed he kept checking his phone. Later he did tell me the truth how his guy friend was coming but was pointing out he might bring her. My b/f was worried and told him not to bring her and he told me he knew I probably wouldn't want to even talk to him afterwards. She would have ruined the date, flirted with him in front of me etc etc He said she really is awful and just wants attention.The first time I saw her when we were out--without even knowing who she was my gut told me this isn't good and my heart was sinking to the floor..i saw his face too and he looked nervous. Sure enough she was marking her territory just by the interactions. I kept quiet and was just observing. She even pointed out how she forgot to send him something which I personally think was just to get me feeling insecure etc. She did a few other things I won't even get into but bottom line is i didn't like it from the beginning and didn't feel comfortable.I told him--that she is going to be curious what's going on and is going to contact you. Sure enough that weekend late at night she did.I told him if i am your girlfriend I really shouldn't have to be dealing with this, I don't like this at all and just feel uneasy and feel that it's disrespectful. I said i wouldn't put you in this situation and keep in contact with someone I had this type of relationship with.He basically cut it off--he never responded to her and that was that. Obviously she would realize after a certain point and probably through his other mutual friends that it was serious between me and him.She seems to be always around though--if we go out with his other mutual friends she will show up. It's just very difficult for me. My b/f doesn't talk to her and ignores her as well. His one friend will tell her where we all are not caring it would be weird for the both of us. One of his friends is having a bday party in a few weeks and has a few things planned. I am basically just having anxiety thinking about her being there and literally us all being in a circle and listening to her trying to be the center of attention. I just don't know what to do..i casually mentioned to my b/f if it's going to be a big bash and then he said he only realized now she might be there etc..it automatically changes my mood when she is around..i never lose my cool, argue in front of others, say anything but obviously it's just very awkward for me and it's not something I can change. I just feel awful wondering about this and how the evening will go because obviously it places a strain on my mood and makes him feel awkward as well. I just feel myself shut down usually after seeing her b/c all I think about is the fact they used to be intimate and also she seems to be more his type physically. I know he is with me but it still just bothers me I can't expect her not to be around even though I wish that was the case. My b/f made kind of a crappy comment how he could just go without me. He said he missed other people's birthday for other reasons--work etc etc and he will be given crap for missing this one. It just rubbed me the wrong that he thinks that would make me feel even better. I am just not sure how to handle it anymore. I love my bf very much and he is doing what is in his power to make me happy. I wish we could skip this party and take them out to dinner a different night or something like that and in that way we would still be celebrating the person's birthday.I just see myself not being happy on the inside during this whole thing.I am guessing I just need to be supportive, attend the party like i would have months ago and just keep my cool when she is there and deal with it?? It's emotionally hard at times despite this probably being a trivial issue compared to other things. I didn't have many people to talk to about all of this and figure this is the best place to vent and get feedback.Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 So what do you suggest ? That, since this girl is going to be around to all the birthdays and other outings of the group, and your bf is not supposed to attend on his own- he should just cut off his friends of a whole life and just stay home with you ? Or just make all new friends, all male and all with your seal of approval ? And that possibly would not have the audacity to suggest getting together once a week ?
I don't see what else do you want your bf to do to show you his indifference to this girl. He never answered to her message, he does not talk to her and totally ignores her ( which, in a such a close knit group of old friends , it is a big deal and whose " you are out of my life " meaning surely has not gone lost on the girl or the friends ).
It seems to me another case of RJ ( retroactive jealousy ) in the less common female variety. He does not talk to her, she on the other hand backed off ( what do you care if she seeks attention- as long as she does not seek it from him ), you two have a good , happy relationship,- all the fuss is because you know that he shagged her a few times way before meeting you.
And, were you a virgin when you met him ? Have you never had other boyfriends , or flings, before the current one ? I know the answer : " Yes, I did, but I don't dangle them under his nose, they are nowhere around him ." Well, for all intents and purposes, neither is this girl,- for how he reacts to her, she could be absent, or dead , since he won't even talk to her ! ( which, again, in such a close , intimate circle, is going above and beyond the call of duty - not even exchange some normal convo with an old member of the gang, just because once upon a time you had some casual thing and the current gf can't stand the thought ? very self disciplined and impressive, he is REALLY toeing the line ).
Your bf is not doing anything to make you jealous or insecure, you are doing it all by yourself. So, even if he should agree , which apparently he is not, I don't think cutting him, and yourself , off from his best friends' celebrations, so that you don't have to see the girl, is a fair solution , because unloads on his shoulders what's a problem exclusively of yours, of your lack of confidence, and of your irrational jealousy.
The solution would be that - you go to the parties, learn to relax, to appreciate what a great boyfriend you have, and what great friends he has that still care so much about him after all this time and all the ups and downs who usually separate people with less loyalty and committment to the value of friendship, and start liking them a bit more, rather than treating them as a bunch of immature grown up kids,... and learn to count your blessings ,among which that of having a bf that clearly loves only you even if other women may be more his type ,... and eventually ,hopefully, end up with having a great time at all these social events.
But, I am sure you won't even consider that. Go reason with RJ...
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