A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I don't know what to do, and I'm finding myself trying to find out what is right and what is wrong.I've made contact with a girl from America. From the start, she showed interest in me, and our conversation has recently begun to develop. It's become quite clear that we would both like to meet up and have a great time with eachother.The only problem is, it looks like she won't be able to come here until around Christmas time. It's been made pretty clear that we both want sex with eachother, but five months seems like such a long time to wait. Don't get me wrong, waiting wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that I may be starting university in September, and one thing I've heard about uni is that all people do outside of work is get drunk and have sex. That may just be a myth, but I know plenty of people who believe it! Also, I haven't had sex in over a year as it is. Lets face it, when university comes around I'm going to be tempted. If I ended up sleeping with somebody at uni, it wouldn't be cheating on her, because we have never established that we are in a relationship. We are just two people that want to have a good time together, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt her. Which, if I met somebody at university and started to date, would probably do even though she has said otherwise that "What we want was never guaranteed. Lets go with the flow".She sounds so laid back and up for anything, and I would hate to put her in a position where she might have her feelings hurt. I don't want anybody to get hurt, but I don't know what to do for the best. Can you give me some guidance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Quite alright. If I think of anything then I will post something up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's okay. I appreciate that you're still offering what you can. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Yeah of course it does. Just continue to learn more and more about how you feel. Thats all you can do, and then you can start making more important decisions.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, it turned out to be a misunderstanding. One of the reasons why getting into a relationship with circumstances like these is something I wouldn't like to do. But I feel a lot better knowing that she hasn't gone. I guess that must say something about how I feel, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I think you liked her but was scared that you would be tempted by something else and didn't really want to start anything.
You obviously felt something, or you wouldn't be crying. You said that you care about her and, you can't really care about that person if your not there.
Why did she suddenly just disappear?! What did you do or what did she do?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think everything is ruined...
I got a message tonight. She says that she is going away to think about what she wants, and has decided to enjoy what she has around her at this time. She also said "See you in 5 months". I guess that means she's not going to talk to me until then.
I'm shocked, and at a loss. I've actually cried over this. Cried! We've only really started to build a relationship for a week. Why am I so hurt by this? In a way, I haven't lost anything, but the fact that she has suddenly just gone really hurts. I don't want to stop talking.
I've sent her a message to the messenger and her e-mail. I'm really hoping we can atleast talk this out. But in the mean time, can somebody please explain why I'm wounded by this?? I wasn't even sure how I really felt about her, and yet, I'm all shook up over this. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Well you could explain how you feel.This is all very confusing and awkward for you now!OK, lets access it. She would obviously want to meet up with you if she loves you. She for some reason can't wait until Christmas, and neither can you. You are scared about hurting her.You like her, not love her. You care about her but have been put off by the fact that she loves you. And you don't want to rush anything.You haven't even met each other, so you can step back very far. You can't do anything about seeing each other before, so why don't you again explain how you feel about you not wanting to hurt her etc.Then for trying to back off. Talk to her?! Say you want to take things slower because you don't want to wreck it?!I can't dictate it to you. I can merely advise that anything that we say wouldn't be your thoughts exactly. You need to tell her what YOU think. Its honest. Its the truth. There will be no awkwardness about you having to dash on here for the next thing to say to her.I'm not saying you would rely on it, however I'm saying you need to find the right things to say. How you say it should be over the phone so you hear the tone of voice.Write some things down before hand as this clears you head and makes you say the right things at the right time. Don't read it off like a script however. Just make notes and phrases to piece together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth good pieces of advice. Just wanted to add some insight as to what's happened since yesterday.
She is pretty much in love with me. I find it, while sweet, just a bit creepy, as you can imagine. While I like her, saying things like that is making me want to step back a little. She's drawn pictures of me, she says that she thinks about me all the time. Today she's asked for my address, cos she would like to send me letters. I declined that, saying that it really wasn't necessary for her to have my address (even though she gave me hers, possibly trying to tempt me into exchanging). I figured that anything she wanted to send in the post, she could send by e-mail.
I don't know what to do. She's already explained to me that she falls in love fast, but this just seems a little too ridiculous. I don't want to say anything that might ruin something that could potentially be very good, so can anyone tell me how I can maybe approach talking her about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I know moneys an issue, but I just have to ask why don't you go earlier instead?!
If this isn't the case, why don't you talk to her about it. Say how much you like and that you care about her but you don't know if you can wait through the temptations of University.
Stress that you do care about her and the reason your saying it now is because you don't want her to get hurt.
But you know your gonna get it! You just have to be patient! And you've already gone a year, it is just myth because your at University to study. You like her, so why don't you be a bit patient, be in touch with her and have the best Christmas present ever.
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female
reader, confusedinkent +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Well if I was you I would say to her that it might not be a good idea to set any arrangments in stone just yet. Tell her what you told us, its seems a reasonalbe enough explaination. Just say somthing along the lines of " you will be starting uni and you'll be unsure of where or what you might be doing then". make sure that she knows you would love to see her and that you want what she does. I think you should just take each day as it comes and let her know a little closer to christmas, once you know whats happening.
Hope I have helped
x
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