A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months very occasionally smokes ~ I've only seen him do it a couple of times, and every time this has been when he has been with his one friend who I'll call 'C'. I'm not completely sure what it is that C smokes, but I think it's either weed or some kind of sweet-smelling herbal thing... I don't know and I don't really want to know either. The bottom line is, I don't like it that he keeps offering it to my boyfriend. The first time (when we hadn't been going out for long) I saw my boyfriend smoke they offered me some and I very clearly said no, but my boyfriend had a couple of drags. On another instance somebody else we know who smokes weed was offering it around, and I asked my boyfriend not to have any. He told me that he wouldn't. The last time 'C' offered my boyfriend some, my boyfriend gestured to me (I was on the other side of the room with friends) and said something to the effect of 'my girlfriend doesn't like it', or something similar. I'm very pleased about this, but... I worry that he might still smoke when I'm not there. I can't (and don't want to be because it's impossible) be with him all the time at every social event, and I can't 'bat C away' whenever I think he might offer whatever it is that he smokes around. My boyfriend knows that I don't like it and he has shown that he won't smoke it when I am there, which is great. But I'm so confused about how to feel about the possibility that he might still smoke it occasionally when I'm not there. I don't really want to flat out say 'hey, I don't want you to smoke and I want full reassurance that you won't ever do it when I'm not there' because I don't want to be bossy or forceful when he's shown that he is aware that I don't like it.What should I do? I don't want to feel a pang of anger/worry whenever I know he's going to be spending time with C.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Ya know what, he's a grown man. He knows how you feel about it. You have asked him not to smoke.
You have no control over other people only yourself.
IF you have told your boyfriend you do not want him to smoke and he continues then you have to make a choice.
You can choose to accept it and ignore it.
you can choose to tell him that you will leave him if he continues to smoke (and you must then leave if you find out about it)
you can fight with him.
you can ask him to stop, tell him you will leave if he does it, then in 6 months when it will be too hard to leave and you find out he's had a cig with C not leave and then lose ALL credibility with him.
deep sigh....
anger or worry... which is it?
my husband was trying to quit when we met. he did manage to quit for a while... but he's smoking again a lot more than he was... and he sounds like a smoker every morning..this from cigarettes... smoking weed does not hurt your lungs... in fact, I have not had a single doctor tell me that it's bad for me... most of the doctors I know think it should be legalized for medical reasons....
tobacco is another issue... very addictive... and legal... much like alcohol...
you are right to not want to tell him like a parent that he can't do something (like a child)
so if you really can't cope you may have to end the relationship which MAY or may NOT be enough for him to quit... it's a risk you have to take depending on how strongly you feel about it.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Well definitely don't tell him 'I don't want you to smoke and I want the reassurance you won't when I'm not around'. You will be seen as controlling, and he may very well do it anyway and just not tell you he did if not leave you altogether. Instead I would ask him "Do you plan on smoking ____ anymore? I know you have turned it down when I'm there but do you think you will still do it again if I'm not around?" If his answer is yes, from time to time I may- then you can tell him that you don't agree with it and why and prefer he didn't. With this route I don't see it as controlling more so getting how you feel across without directly trying to control and be accusatory.
If he refuses to give it up then move on, you have different ideals and this clearly bothers you. I wouldn't date someone who smokes or does drugs either so I get it. If he says he won't smoke anymore then you will need to trust him. He doesn't need to provide you reassurance every time he comes back from "C's" house, that is controlling behavior. You need to trust that he told you he wouldn't so he didn't. You may still get pangs of anxiety when he goes over there without you. Luckily it is pretty easy to tell if a person has been smoking- kiss them. But unless you have some proof he is smoking anyway and lying about, don't get on his case and accuse him. He may very well be respecting you and turning down the smokes yet comes back to you only to be accused and needing to show proof he didn't smoke. Obviously it'll push him away, so trust until you have a reason not to.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (23 October 2012):
"sweet smelling herbal thing" sounds like either herbal cigarettes (many don't contain tobacco) or clove/kretek cigarettes or cigars. Marijuana has a very distinct odor that is usually very pungent and not sweet.
Personally, I think you should share your feelings with your boyfriend. Smoking occasionally (especially tobacco) often progresses to smoking daily. Tobacco, despite being legal, is hard on the body and one of the most difficult subatances to stop using once you've become addicted.
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