A
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age
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*edMad
writes:I and my wife have been married for 40 years and our love for each other is as solid now as it ever has been. Our sex life up until 8 years ago was very satisfying. Eight years ago my wife sustained an injury which has left her house bound. She has a great deal of trouble and pain just getting around the house. I am and have been willingly helping her in every way I can. The problem is, though, our intimacy has suffered a great deal because of all this. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore because any movement I make causes her pain. She says that not having sex anymore with me does not bother her at all and she is really happy with our relationship now as it is. Throughout our marriage sex never was an important issue for her. I however have always had and still have a very active sex drive which has been shut down by all of this. I will not do anything to hurt her, physically or emotionally. I have never cheated on her. I love her and respect her too much to even go there. I have been thinking of a possible solution which involves a dear friend of ours who is recently divorced and who has always shown an interest in me over the years. She is open to a poly-amorous relationship with us, but I have no idea on how to broach the subject with my wife. Any advice is welcome. I really miss the intimacy of being with her, touching and caressing another human being is something I don't just miss, it is something I really need. How can I talk to her about this without hurting her or causing her pain? All of our life together we have been totally and absolutely honest with each other about everything. How in hell can I talk to her about this?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 October 2018):
 I am happy that you spoke to your wife and you were both able to express how you truly felt. When you really love someone you can make all kinds of sacrifices..things that you might have never thought you could do. I hope that things work out for the both of you. You sound like a sweet man that just misses the closeness that he once shared with his wife. We all need love and to feel needed and wanted.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2018):
 You obviously love and respect your wife, I have no doubt about that.
And I also understand your situation as it is similar in a way to my own. My husband had a heart-attack and consequent surgeries, plus an assortment of meds several of which a sex-life either a "short event" or just not happening. And while I DO miss THAT side of intimacy we have found other ways, but we don't have the issues you and your wife does where even sleeping next to one another is not happening. But the general gist, I fully understand. And while we are younger than the two of you, I, however, have no intentions of seeking intimacy from outside of the marriage. Different folks, different strokes.
If/when you have the "talk" with your wife, DO NOT at first bring up that you kind of already have a women waiting and available. And that this women IS a friend of the two of you. THAT might hit too close to home.
Talk about the more abstract idea. Of you seeing someone on the side. See how she feels about the idea.
And then you HAVE to consider that she might NOT want to share you, even if she no longer can fulfill your sexual needs. And then what? will you accept a no?
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reader, JedMad +, writes (30 October 2018):
JedMad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading all of your answers and doing a lot of soul searching I have decided to just drop the whole thing. I have NOT spoken to the other woman but I broached the subject with my wife. We were honest with each other and in the end I told her that it wasn't sex I was missing, it was sex and intimacy with HER that I really missed. We held each other, kissed, and cried a little, and like we have done all of our lives decided together to just get on with life. Yes sex is important to me, it always has been, but her love and trust is not something I would trade for all the sex in the world. She told me that she really didn't realize how much this was affecting me so after our talk she went back to her Doctor and got him to increase her pain medication. Hopefully this will make things a little better for us. I really should pay more attention to her and less to some of those "experts" who suggested polyamoury in the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): All your excuses do not make this right.You want us to approve of you cheating on your wife.That is what this is plain and simple.You profess to love her but if you really did you would not even think about this.You could masterbate or even buy a fake vagina at the porn store..maybe do that instead of committing adultery.Would your kids hate you if they found out you want to cheat on their mother?You might lose them.The pain you cause your wife...what if she kills herself over it?How would you feel then?If you are not happy divorce her but do not be dishonest.I cannot believe you are so selfish all you can think of is sex instead of the lifetime you shared together.This is so disturbing.There will be fallout from this.I bet your wife never would do that to you.The worst part is she is sick.do not do this you will hurt many people and destroy many lives.Be a man stay faithful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): I gather from your post you have already discussed the subject with this woman friend and she has agreed to help but with your wife's consent and knowledge. I firmly believe that if you really love and value your wife as you have stated you will not want to be with another woman or be able to make love to her and your attempt will end with a failure and feeling of guilt and betrayal. Just similarly a woman who loves and values her husband will never tolerate another man's touch on her. And of course telling your wife of your intentions will break her heart. There is no nice way to doing this. She will be immencely hurt and disappointed in you. My advice is if this is so neccessary and important to you then convince this woman to let you try to actually make love to her. because rest assured if you truly love your wife you will feel so guilty and ashamed and dirty you will just want to grab your clothes and run away from her and just want to forget and wipe this idea from your mind once and forever.
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reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 October 2018):
 If you can’t happily stay with your wife, knowing your libido will likely decrease over the next decade anyway, then I feel divorce is the only option. It’s not fair to expect your wife to let you have a mistress. It wouldn’t be polyamory because your wife wouldn’t gain anything from it.Just in case, by some miracle, she’ll agree - you can respectfully mention it. That said, do not refuse a divorce if that’s what she wants and do not cheat on her, which may mean YOU need to file for divorce.She deserves someone who loves her and will stick by her, even if she is unable to have sex. There are still other ways to be intimate, but only if you both want to work on it. That said, her libido has never been like yours and you’ve known that all this time; it’s just that it’s stopped completely now.I believe you love your wife, but I don’t believe it’s quite as innocent as you’ve written it.Good luck; it’s a tough situation to be in. There will be hurt, but maybe your wife will find someone else with a low libido who is happy to be her loving companion for the rest of their lives, then you’re free to be with the friend.
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reader, JedMad +, writes (29 October 2018):
JedMad is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks for your opinion WiseOwlE. please do not ascribe your own moral values and ideas to our situation. Unless you have walked a mile in our shoes, your opinion is just that, an opinion. You are welcome to think whatever you want about our situation, I really don't care.
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reader, JedMad +, writes (29 October 2018):
JedMad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst let me thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. Second, let me say that divorce isn't an option I would ever consider. My wife and I met in high school and after dating and "going steady" clandestinely for a couple of years (Her parents didn't approve of our relationship), we made the decision to marry after graduation. I look back now at the hastiness of our decision with some doubt that the timing probably wasn't right. Her parents, however, more or less pushed us into it by demanding that we no longer see each other. You see, I wasn't Greek and they were. If you have seen the movie "My big fat Greek Wedding" you'll get some sense of what we were facing. We actually had to elope twice to finally make it happen. We got "caught" the first time and although her father had every right to shoot me, he surprised me by telling me that if I came back in 1 years time with a BETTER job and $1000 in the bank, he would be ok with us getting married. The restriction on us was that for that entire year we were to have NO contact with each other whatsoever!!That began the worst year of my life. To make double sure that we couldn't get in touch with each other they shipped her to relatives in Rhode Island for the first six months and afterwards forbade her from answering the phone or even going to the mail box by herself. Well after a year had gone by I found myself in the US Navy as a Petty officer 3rd class, I had over $3000 in the bank, a home for us in Florida where my ship was stationed, and when I walked up to their back door and knocked on the screen door all I heard was that old man jacking a shell into a shotgun and ordering me off his porch. He told me to stay away from his daughter and he was going to call the sheriff!! Well, fortunately one of my sisters and her sister were best friends in school so we passed notes back and forth through them and discovered that our feelings for each other had not changed over the last year. Eventually the day came when I had to leave to join my ship in Florida so I sent a note through our sisters that, if she still wanted to be my wife, to meet me in her fathers barn at midnight and we would go!!....Her sister didn't show up at school that day!! So I took a chance and called their number. I just so happened that she was sitting by the phone and picked it up before her parents could get to it. I quickly told her that "If she still wanted to marry me to be out at the barn at midnight...tell your folks that this was a wrong number and I hung up. Later that night after sneaking past 3 german sheppard dogs in the barnyard I found myself on the second floor of that barn watching the back door, hoping that she would come out.midnight came and went, nothing...12:30 still nothing...1AM, 1:30 nothing ... finally at a quarter to 2 AM the back door opened and out she came. I met her in the driveway and 2 weeks later we were married by a justice of the peace in a small town in Georgia. Even after several years had gone bye and the birth of our two sons her father would still completely ignore me as if I didn't exist when we would go over for the holidays. He was OK with our kids but I still was nothing by dirt in his eyes. Well time went bye and eventually got to know me a little better and eventually we became the very best of friends but I have to say he didn't make it easy. The first 6 years of our marriage was the hardest we ever faced, but face it we did and we came out at the other end of this ordeal with an even stronger marriage than ever. I only tell you all of this to impress upon you WHY I would NEVER consider leaving this woman. We have stuck together through thick and thin and never wavered in our devotion to each other. What kind of man would I be to even consider abandoning my wife over this issue that we face. I tell you that we have endured worse. Yes I have a problem. The only reason that I am even contemplating a different "arrangement" is because this other person that I mentioned is a dear friend to BOTH of us and although I haven't yet broached the subject with either of them, I have gotten some indication from that person, who is aware of our problem, that she might be willing but only if my wife agree's to it. My problem is I am afraid of hurting my wife and possibly ruining a friendship with someone that has grown for all of us over the years. I really do not know how my wife would respond to such an arrangement, and, frankly, I am afraid to ask her, even though I am personally going through hell itself. I still tease her and play a little grab-ass with her from time to time just to let her know that she is still desirable to me. We laugh and she responds to it but it always ends up with her in pain. It is breaking my heart and I am bewildered on what to do. So I thought that maybe by posting our situation here anonymously, I might get a different point of view from someone who has perhaps been through a similar situation. If nothing else maybe my doing a little "Venting" (a favorite word of my wife's) this would make things a little easier to bear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): You are asking your wife to agree to her replacement. It will not be poly-amorous. It will be a slow transition from the useless sexless-relationship; to one where you can enjoy sex.
Okay, the others fell for the sweet and sappy introduction to your post. Who am I to dispute that you truly love your wife? I would bet the farm that you do. However, you are rationalizing; that, or trying to pull the wool over our eyes!
You're tired of your wife; and trying to think of a decent way to push her aside, and get yourself a fully-functional woman. If you don't divorce, you don't have to split your assets; and you can collect full-benefits from the life-insurance policy you likely have on her. The expense and trouble of divorce will never be a burden. You'll have it all!
You keep everything you have, get a new woman, and get it scot-free! Without looking like a jerk who abandoned his ailing-wife to your relatives, in-laws, and neighbors. You'll have your secret-life with two women. You'll maintain all appearances. The faithful-husband, and martyr. A wife and a secret-concubine; just like back in the earliest records, when a man could have as many wives as he could afford. A group of women to answer to one man.
I see nothing good coming of such an arrangement. One woman will grow tired and resentful of the other. You will love the one who offers you more. You won't admit it; because you thought your post out carefully before writing it. You didn't want the wrath of the women to descend upon you! It's not the women here you'll have to worry about. It's your wife.
These are modern-times; and I know anything goes. A marriage is for better, or for worse. If you've been married for 40 years, age will surely "mellow" your libido. You don't go get a backup when your wife breaks-down. You find a way to make things work. I'd like to be there when you pitch her your proposal. Or, I will just look into the horizon and search for the mushroom cloud! Maybe she will just wither and die from the heartbreak; and spare you the misery.
You masterfully-constructed your post to look like a loving and pitiful husband. If she was a frigid-wife from the start, why now after 40 years? Your pecker is about to poop-out from age any day. Just admit; you want a new woman; without the cost of a divorce.
Good luck with that proposition! She just might agree to it, and then file for a divorce! It is the advice I'd offer her; had she written a post instead of you!
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reader, N91 +, writes (29 October 2018):
 I don’t really think there is a way you can beat around the bush with this one, I can understand your side of things and we that it must be very hard for you knowing that you have a desire for sex but you’re now unable to have it with your wife,
You need to be honest with her, just tell her something has been on your mind for a while and you need to discuss it with her. I’d just explain that you still have an active sex drive and you’ve been doing everything you can to surpress it. Be clear that you would never do anything that she’s uncomfortable with I.e you wouldn’t cheat and this is why you’re bringing this up in the first place. I wouldn’t mention that you’ve found someone who’s interested just yet, as it may seem like you’ve been really trying to do this in a sneaky manner. I would be prepared for her to be hurt and shocked from this but also understanding that she knows you still have sexual needs that need fulfilling.
Listen to her side, stay calm at all times and try not to let feelings become too strong here turning this into an argument if you don’t like the response you get. If it doesn’t turn out how you’d hoped then you need to think whether you can stay in this relationship for the rest of your life without sex. I understand that you love your wife very much and this is why you’re here asking for help but I think it’s a perfectly valid reason to break up if sexual needs aren’t being met in a relationship. I understand it’s not a great situation here with your wife having been in an accident and I could understand her being apprehensive about letting you be with other women even though she can’t satisfy your needs in that department I think you both need to be open minded and tactful here.
I wish you the best of luck with this and would like know how you get on.
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