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female
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Denise32
writes:Often we get posts from men and women who are wondering whether to ask their boyfriend or girlfriend "where do we stand"? Based on my own observations, and having been in situations such as this in the past, I have come to think its generally better NOT to ask your partner what he or she thinks of the relationship and how important am "I" to "you."Why not? Well, maybe your partner doesn't yet KNOW how he sees your relationship. She might be still thinking it over. Particularly if you have only been together a few months (or even a few weeks). Dating someone is basically an exploration to see how well the two of you hit it off. Numerous factors can affect your meetings........such as, your bf may be in college and while he may hope to get a job with good earning potential when he graduates, he might well feel he is in no position to make a long-term commitment yet. Same thing with a man who has lost his job, or is only working part time.Difficulties in dealing with her family can make your gf so preoccupied that she has much less time and energy just now to focus on how she wants your relationship to develop. Hopefully, these issues will be resolved sooner or later. But in the meantime, its better to be supportive of your partner and try to see things from his/her point of view, instead of getting trapped in your own fears, insecurities, wants and needs. The last thing anyone needs is for someone else to start acting over-anxious - or bossy (trying to "fix things"); impatient with what seems too slow a pace. Equally important: YOU don't want to get yourself all tied in knots worrying and thinking about all this!One more thing I've learned: Take care of yourself. By that I mean, do not abandon plans you've made to go out with friends when your s.o. calls. Now that's pretty obvious, but the point is, you need to maintain your independence and activities and be your own person - have a life of your own. Your partner will respect you all the more if he realizes he isn't the be-all and end-all of your existence - and YOU will respect yourself!Finally, don't be in too much of a rush to jump into bed with a new man (or woman). Sex is an important part of any relationship, but don't mistake it for love, or think it means he/she is making a commitment to you! No, take your time in getting to know one another "warts and all", on good days and bad and to discover what values/goals/interests/activities you have in common.......One more: TRUST YOUR GUT. In other words, what is your sense of how things are between the two of you? Are they generally pleasant, enjoyable, mutually supportive of one another? OR constant arguing, verbal abuse, lying, disrespectful and difficult?Of course, there WILL be conflicts between you from time to time and disagreements. That's inevitable. It's how you deal with them that matters (hopefully being able to listen to one another and to speak your mind without placing a lot of blame or unreasonable demands on him/her).We all need to be able to discern the difference between something that is of real concern, as opposed to a worry, or suspicion you might have plucked out of thin air and which has no basis in reality. That's where talking it over with a trusted, well-grounded friend is useful, to test whether your fears are justified or whether you're scaring yourself for no good reason.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Very, very sensible. Tantevictoire stamp of approval! :D
I've never understood the "let's talk about US" conversation that seems to plague the usual relationship. How very off- putting and unnecessary... if someone is choosing to Be with you, working it out, thick and thin, you Know where you stand.
It's almost exciting reading your comment on couple compromise and negotitation.. Conflict sorted through in a mindful, rational way could only draw a pair closer. Successful relationships are family And business.
-Tante Vic
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