A
male
age
41-50,
*ryingVERYhard
writes:Ok...first...this isnt my first rodeo....im 32 and have been in several long term serious relationships....I have made TONS of mistakes, and have done bad things to good women....all that being said, I found somebody who i fell completely in love with, and have effortlessly been the best man ive ever been. The problem is she is only 23, and has nO CLUE what goes into a healthy relationship....ive been patient for 2 years, trying to be supportive and understanding of her mistakes (remembering when i made the very same ones), and hang in there for the long haul. She has a 3 year old son who i love dearly and really want it all to work. So the issue that drives me to seek feedback from others is.....*drum roll* CLUBBING.....I was once 23 and remember going out to the clubs...but i was SINGLE...to me, clubs are where you go to drink and mingle with the opposite sex. She wants to go to the club, WITHOUT ME, at LEAST once a WEEK....and when she goes, she drinks HEAVILY....plus the type of clubs she goes to are VERY bottom of the barrel, ghetto, full of people looking for nothing but trouble....fights and shootings in the parking lots are not uncommon......Im not a boring homebody...I like to go out as much as the next person. I take her to upscale bars and clubs where people go out to have FUN without getting shot or arrested....Im all for going to do WHATEVER in the name of fun and doing things with your partner......I just cant help having a problem with this constant need to go out to a club and get wasted and come home the next morning......When i say that these places arent for people who are in healthy happy relationships she says im being controlling...which in all honesty is a bunch of crap...I am all for "girls night out"....but there isnt anybody who can convince me that "girls night out" is EVERY WEEK and involves staying out all night drinking in the company of OTHER MEN.....all her friends are VERY young, and are either single or have a couple baby daddies.....she is the only one with a man, who actually cares and doesnt cheat....i understand that puts pressure on her, but i dont think it comes down to me being controlling.....plus, girls night to me always meant a bunch of good friends going out and having fun...if you are just going out with ONE girlfriend, then who's company are you really going out to enjoy? Your ONE friend? or the MANY who are ready and willing at the club to entertain you for the evening....Im really looking more for the female point of view...and have EVERY intention of showing her the responses...she has NO quality friends of any respectable standing, and I just wanted her to see how other women look at the subject.btw...i had no idea this would be an issue when we got together...she NEVER went to the club until about a year and a half into the relationship...then it started getting more and more....
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Well, that's a bit different. She's cheating on you and lying to you. You still can't have this relationship where you're the tolerant one who's hoping she'll change. A relationship has to be based on trust and equal footing, not one person "putting up" with the other one because of mistakes you've made in the past.
You can never change someone. A lot of girls will date "bad boys" hoping that the force of their love will cause the guy to change, and they're heartbroken when he won't.
You're not her dad, her therapist, and you don't have to make up for her mistakes in the past. The longsuffering and patience of your love while you put up with cheating and lying will neither change her nor cause her to grow up all of a sudden.
Relationships are built on trust. She is not where you are in life. It's likely that she will never be where you are in life. I would suggest that you find someone else that isn't a "fixer-upper". It's not like reupholstering a couch. She will always be who she is.
A
male
reader, TryingVERYhard +, writes (26 November 2010):
TryingVERYhard is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ youwish.......
thanks for the response....i can see how it might be perceived im riding that high horse...its only because of the amount of complete crap ive put up with...yes, she has cheated...and ive forgiven her.....plus there have been a number of unpleasant situations we have found ourselves in due to a lie she told or her inability to handle a situation the right way...soooooo, when i talk about patience, i might sound a little huffy about it.......never said i was perfect, to the contrary, ive made more than enough mistakes.....which is why ive hung around through her making the same ones....i remember that when i did it, i didnt have a partner who understood or wanted to take the time to fix our issues.....I happen to love this one enough to try and make it work....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2010):
You two are at different stages in your life. You said that you made a lot of mistakes when you were younger and can see her going down a similar path? This could very well be true, but it's her path to go down, as long as she's not doing anything to jeopardise her child in the process.
You are also a guy. There are girls who go to the club to hang out with their buddies and have fun there. They may have no intention of going to go pick up some guy and be irresponsible. You as a guy primarily went to the club to pick up girls. Just because you went to the club for that reason doesn't mean that it's her reason. She's going there because her friends are going there, and she lets off steam by dancing and having fun. She goes with one friend, and there can meet up with other friends.
You have to trust HER. I know, you don't trust the other guys there because when you were there, you knew that you couldn't be trusted around a girl and would chase her regardless of her attachment status. Trust me, girls are more than capable of shutting down a guy's advances.
You also sound like you're a bit on your high horse. You've been patient with her? You've been supportive and understanding in HER mistakes?? Sounds to me like you do not respect her. Look at yourself. You may be older and trying to turn over a new leaf, but what makes you perfect? Because you deign to be with her even though she has a kid, or is 23, or likes to go to clubs? Has she cheated on you before and you've forgiven her for it?
She is in a different place in her life. At 23, her goals for a romantic relationship are different from yours. I personally don't see the attraction to clubbing anymore, but some people love it. You have to decide whether or not the age, maturity, and ambition gap are compatible. I'm wondering if she's starting to lose interest in you if she's been recently clubbing. You can NOT play the role of "tolerant father figure". You have to trust her until SHE gives you reason not to. You probably have some interests that she couldn't care less about and find boring, and likewise, you probably would rather watch paint dry than go to some rowdy sawdust on the floor clubs.
Finally, and I do hope you let her read this, this may not be your first rodeo, but it's your first rodeo WITH HER. That is all that matters. If you are truly being the best man you've ever been, then you'll bring out the best in her. That cannot be "effortless".
And she, likewise, will have to decide what she wants out of her relationship with you. She should bring out the best in you, which it's sounding like she is. If she is losing interest in you, I hope she is honest about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I am a bartender and see this all the time. She may have the beginnings of a drinking problem along with the need to be around guys her own age because they 'get' her. They want to have fun and drink too with out a "parent" person around who's been there done that and easily bored. I know I would never be able to pull this off with my boyfriend no way. He would never ever allow it. Nor would it cross my mind. She may feel comfortable with an older guy, looks up to you and your experience, but for fun it's just us kids. Maybe you should find something to do as well. Just you and the adults. Who knows, maybe the both of you will find love elsewhere...or reconnect when she's 'done'. That is if your still around. Good luck.
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