A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a problem as of late. I've been with my current GF for almost two years now (we are going to Amsterdam for our two year anniversary in May) but I feel all emotions have gone from my part. We are in a long distance relationship (i'm currently in uni and she works full time and has a morgage) and the first couple of months were absolutely amazing, the months after that were nice and then now it's just... A relationship. I don't feel satisfied as I once did (I find myself masturbating to straight porn and wishing I was with a man). She's the first girl i've been with- before that i've been with only two other boys, one of them sexually. I used to love going down on my ex boyfriend, and well I think I miss it... But that's not too say I don't love having sex with my GF, but she doesn't have the same sexual appetitise as I do. I feel like she makes no real effort on her part (last year I booked a holiday for her birthday and i've sorted the holiday for this year too). I'm not asking for her to shell out bags and bags of money on me as I am not materialistic nor do I really like going away, i'm just asking for a bit more attention! I want her to make the same efforts that I make for her, I want her to be spontaneous and whisk me off my feet as she once did. Now all she does is sit infront of the tv watching football or some other crap when she gets home. I hate tv, I hate football yet I am the one who has to sit down and watch tv or religiously go and watch her play football. I don't feel this is fair at all, the effort is one sided and I feel I have put up with it long enough! I want her to make me feel special like she once did, not make me feel like screaming in her face everytime she looks at me. I love her, I hate her, I love her again. She says I have the ability to push her buttons, and every other thing that comes out of my mouth is garbage and all I want to do is create an argument out of a debate. What she does not understand is that i'm in university and all the things I learn I try to discuss with her and show her stuff from a theoretical view. I'm a dreamer and she's a realist. She says she listens to what I have to say but she doesn't, not really. I've always had this idle day dream of "frolicking" (best term to use lol) in a field with no one around and she tells me I can't do that on someone else's property. When I turn around and say to her how can a human possibly claim someone that is ultimately not his she goes off in a factual bla bla bla. I'm meerly trying to be philisophical yet she thinks I purely enjoy creating an argument for arguments sake. It kills me inside everytime she rejects my sexual advances. I always feel low and cheap when she does that. I've only ever kissed three people in my life and all three of them have been stable relationships based on friendship and love. Two of the three have been sexual. What I don't understand is that she was a girl that used to kiss everyone and anyone, get pushed up in clubs, get fingered in clubs... The first time she had sex was purely to just get it over with. If she can do this with total strangers, why is it then that she can't even find the time of day for me? She's the first girl i've kissed, she's the first person i've ever let properly touch me so what I don't understand for the life of me is... What is wrong with me? Why do I not appeal to her? Why can I appeal to others and not appeal to the person I want to appeal to? (bit of a tongue twister)Where has the passion gone? Where has the intimacy gone? When I used to go see her before I always used to get nervous when I was approaching where she lived. And everytime I used to get in the car I used to get shy because I was in total awe of how beautiful she is. Now it's put my bag in the car and away we go. No shyness and no butterflies. She used to kiss me with such passion, and now she barely kissed me at all. Everytime I tell her i'm having sexual thoughts about her she tells me to stop when before she used to encourage it and that's when we used to make random 2 am car journeys to each other.She loves me with all her heart, I know this. But why give me something so amazing to just take it back? Does she not find me sexually attractive anymore? The other night I crawled on her at like 3 am and started kissing her, she kissed me back for a second and fell back to sleep. I started to cry and slept on the oppositie side of the bed to her. She didn't even notice all night. When she awoke she asked me why I moved and said she was upset by it... And that's it... It's always that. What is the point. Thank you for reading guys, sorry about the length!
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anniversary, cheap, kissing, long distance, money, my ex, porn, sex drive, shy, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Hello, I am the original poster!
What some people may not understand is that we live about two hours away from each other! We live-and believe me when I say this- very much separate lives. She works full time and I study in university. We live in two separate regions! So when I do see her why is it not in my right to ask for ATTENTION?! I am being needy?! No. I am perfectly in my rights to ask her for what I do which, may I elbaborate, should be given without hesitation. I go to see her WAY more than she does to see me. I will take a train to her on a weekly basis, yet for the past 8 months or so she has come to see me about 10 or 11 times. Why is the effort all on my part?! Has she become complacent? And to the blunt person who told me to quit moaning about her watching tv all the time and that o should do something else... I have travelled all the way to see her; what the frick do you want me to do in a town I do not come from? Where I know no people. Her house is the ONLY place I stay, and she is the only person I know from there. If I've not seen her in two weeks, do you think the first thing that springs to mind is to watch tv all day?! Umm no!
Sex initiated by me = always rejected. Sex initiated by her = she expects it to be done. No. It does not work that way. Especially if she can have a hissy when I say no to her. I mean, WTF. I remember her saying to me once that she didn't want to come because she knew I'd want to do it too. WHO SAYS THAT?!?! I've laid it out to her straight, but she is as thick as custard. She might as well be a pig headed boy. She is so oblivious it kills me!!! Arghhh. But I love her, with all my heart. I am so conflicted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Well I sympathise with feeling rejected for not wanting sex at night. I think there are ways to let somebody down gently, if you don't want to do it, and ways that come across as hurtful and make the other one rejected. Personally I have learned to deal with it with experience, but my first "serious" relationship, I was rejected in exactly the same way, and it did hurt...especially when you react emotionally, and they just simply don't "feel you" and just happily snore, whilst you feel all alone in the world. People are different. I am bi, but I have found a boy that actually is caring/loving, not selfish and would be the person to hug you once you woke up from a bad dream or wake you up for sex himself.. etc. so I think it is possible to find a match for your needs for tenderness/affection etc. Of course things can get a bit dulled down after a few years, but where there is serious mental/sexual/emotional compatibility, and some form of friendship, there is less risk of falling out of love with your partner and being unhappy because of lack of compatibility. You probably have little in common and just as you feel misunderstood in your dreamy ideas, she will feel misunderstood, because you don't value what she likes. So I guess in her it translates into a lack of sexual interest. We love different people, friends, family, sometimes ex-lovers, and just because you still love her, it does not mean that you are good for each other and have to stick together.. take a rest for a bit from it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Sorry to say this but I think your relationship is not going to work out because it seems that your gf doesn't respect you. it seems to me this lack of respect is why she's behaving the way she is - not having any interest in you.
And I'm guessing that this lack of respect comes from the "dreamer/realist" disconnect. Simply put, people who are die-hard realists, have a hard time truly respecting people who are dreamers, and vice versa. Because this isn't the difference between liking one type of music versus another,being a dreamer or realist is a fundamental way of looking at the world and at life. it permeates every major aspect of how you live your life and what choices and decisions you make, and what makes you happy. So if you and your gf differ so dramatically on your outlooks on life, it's only reasonable that this translates to conflicting views on most everything else that makes up life.
Some people can be paired up with others who are slightly more of a dreamer/realist than themselves, and without that affecting the relationship too much. But if the difference is really big, then that's usually just a basic incompatibility in values, and it's hard to sustain interest or attraction to someone who does not carry a lot of the traits that you value.
I would consider that this is just a basic incompatibility in your personalities which is why the interest has fizzled out. In the initial stages of a relationship, novelty can compensate for almost any other flaw. But once a relationship is more stable then that's when things like this are a test of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 July 2011):
 Cancel your trip.
It is not fair to either one of you to take the time and money out for each other when your heart is not in it.
You will be sorely dissapointed to hope for a relaxing and fun getaway when clearly you do not enjoy who you make plans with.
First female relationship, so this is your first time embracing your bisexuality?
Sexually incompatible, but are your expectations reasonable? She is not your sexual vending machine and just because she was more active before you, does not mean anything is WRONG with you. She may have just tempered/cooled down for the time being or as part of her being a little older now. Our drives DO change.
Get over that she went back to sleep after you kissed her. It was 3am, she was not rejecting YOU, she was rejecting having her sleep interrupted. Your reaction was melodramatic.
So, are you being a drama queen and expecting too much from someone...or are they not a good match for you?
If it doesnt work out, you can not force someone to see things your way and meet your demands. Let the relationship go then.
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