A
female
age
51-59,
*ebedee
writes:HiI've been single for 16 months now. I've had a few dates, a few casual flings and I'm ready for a serious relationship.I met a guy online a few weeks ago. He's 8 years younger than me, intelligent, funny and we get on really well. In fact I get on with him better than any of the guys I've dated in the past.Last week we were meant to be meeting for the 3rd time and taking a walk then going for some food. However, he cancelled on me because he had an earache and asked if I was free later in the week instead. I am away with work all week, which doesn't happen often. He then proceeded to say that he wasn't sure this would work because I seem to be so dedicated to my career and don't have much time on my hands. This is bullshit, I have never cancelled out on him and it's early days anyway. It kind of annoyed me and I got the impression that because I have a 'career' and am more educated than him, he was holding this against me somehow. He did actually apologise later on and said he was just feeling a bit crap and to take no notice of him. He then said that he gets lonely and has too much time on his hands. What do people think? Can it work when one person has a career and the other what they consider 'an everyday job'. I don't see it as a problem and never have done, never even thought about it until now. It's a shame because I really do like him.Thanks :-) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, debedee +, writes (7 April 2013):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eddie for your help and comment. I do understand that I am going to have to adapt a little and I'm prepared to do so for the right person but don't feel he gave me much of a chance to. I made it clear that I only go away for work every 3 months or so, I'm free at weekends and some evenings. It was just frustrating for me that I wasn't given a chance and that he seemed to expect me to just change my life so quickly to 'fit him in'. Not to worry, it was probably for the best. I'm too old to be staying up until 3 am drinking anyway !!Thanks again :-)
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 With your previous updates, I expected this to happen.
Personally, it sounds like he has a communication issue. The fact that he broke up with you via text message and seemed sort of wussified about it, indicates to me he knew that what you were giving him wasn't enough and he didn't know how to express it.
Just a couple of notes:
1) Communication via text isn't very "communicative". I know it is the new way but you really make a mark with the other person why you talk voice to voice. Texting, in my opinion, is the "I am too lazy to make an effort" form of communication.
2) I think you may need to determine what you are willing to give in a relationship and what you have to offer. 95% of guys out there want a partner they can see more than once a week. If you are constantly at the gym, on the road with your job, etc, the relationship will only meet part of a man's wishes. A man may find himself compromising too much to accommodate your schedule and wind up resentful or frustrated (much like the current scenario). You may have to find a man who is just as busy as you are to experience this from your end.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, debedee +, writes (7 April 2013):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I just had to give this update following all your helpful comments...
After a full day of instant messaging between us,
I asked if he wanted to do something this weekend, he replies 'I will let you know'. Then, very late last night he texted 'hi, I am a little unsure where we are at ?'
I thought huh ?? I said I wanted to do something this weekend...
I replied this morning again asking if he wanted to get together this afternoon for coffee or a bite to eat. To which he replied...
"oh I am not so sure, I think we are a bit too different, you seem to be busy, always in the gym or at work and you hardly drink and go to bed early. I don't think I would ever see you and think we should leave it"
I just texted back saying 'ok no problem'.
I don't know what he wanted from me, I am confused, I was free all weekend and told him this. So what if I don't drink and go to the gym ?? I love my work but don't live for it, what's the problem with that ?? ! I am annoyed but feel it's for the best.
Thanks, any further comments very much welcome if only to reassure me of my own sanity !
:-)
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A
female
reader, debedee +, writes (5 April 2013):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear...Well I went away with work for 3 nights. We spoke on the phone before I went and everything was great, laughing, joking, normal. I said I'd like to chat in the evening whilst I was away, as I'd be alone in a strange city and hotel room.
Guess what.... didn't call me once. I tried to call him and he didn't answer. i text him and all he could reply was that he was too tired to talk !!
I got back tonight and he's being really off and short with me. His moods seem to be up and down all the time. Not good.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2013):
 Hey, good luck! Let us know how things go, I hope you find what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2013):
 I think it can work if all parties are on the same plate and feel the same way
8 years younger is not a huge issue for me especially once the players are all past 25 which is the case here.
I make nearly twice what my younger husband makes. I'm career government and he deals quite well with it.
I think that he was not feeling good and got disappointed at not seeing you.
I like that you will give it a bit more time to see how it plays out.
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A
female
reader, debedee +, writes (3 April 2013):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much. All of these answers have really helped me to consider this situation. I'm going to give it a little bit longer and see how things go. I don't think enough time has passed for me to make a judgment yet.
He doesn't come across as needy, just seems a little lonely and wants to communicate a lot. I suppose (as Eddie said) I need to consider what time and effort I am prepared to give to something like this. I have kind of got used to being single and have built my life up to be full of different stuff going on, so I guess if I want a relationship, somethings got to give ! Not my career though for sure :-)
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 April 2013):
 Hi
You have only had 2 dates so perhaps neither of you really know what you want.You both feel a connection or attraction but that's just the basis, if you want to build a relationship you need to both be on the same page.
I think he's just seeing your career as a possible stumbling block.It was him who cancelled the third date, you weren't available in the week, it's not a big deal.He is maybe wondering how it would work out long-term,maybe used to his women dropping everything for him,being available.
Your a strong,mature woman with a career so perhaps he isn't the one for you,or you him
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 April 2013):
Personally, I think there is quite a bit more going on than what you are posting here. Here are some of my assessments:
1) You are still way early in the relationship. You only have a few dates behind you and you are still getting to know one another. There are some significant things still going on in your relationship including careers and age; let alone just getting to trust and know one another. So I am sure he is still sorting out whether he wants to put in the effort to see you too.
2) He may have sounded off to you because he was frustrated with not having enough time. If you are truly dedicated to your career and you want a relationship it sounds like he will want some sort of concession from you. That isn't necessarily being "needy" -- we all want to be around someone we love(some more than others and we all have different motives for wanting that). Personally speaking, if your loved one's job interferes with intimacy it can cause an otherwise great relationship to turn into something that can be emotionally painful and unsatisfying.
I think at this point you may be trying too hard in getting this relationship going. You are still learning a lot about each other and what works and what doesn't. I know it is exciting and new to find someone you truly connect with, but I hope you take time to look at the total picture. Also he may be struggling to communicate his needs and wants -- as he is seemingly adjusting to being with a career driven, older woman.
Finally, ask yourself what you are willing to give up to make this relationship work... that is just as important -- if not more important question that you will soon have to answer.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 April 2013):
 The other aunts have good points.
I saw it as possibly being something else. Given your ages, his being a bit younger than yours, he may in fact be considering gender roles as well.
He may be thinking that a woman can have a job or "every day thing", but her primary career is supposed to be taking care of him and a family. Meaning, if you have a serious career, he'll be either second place, or you'll expect a more equal distribution of house chores, cooking, nurturing, and he may prefer a woman who patterns her life more around him, or at least considers his work needs to be above hers.
I don't think he's thinking this out consciously and methodically, but that's the root of it. He doesn't know you so well, but he's looking for a possible "little woman" to help him out, the proverbial "help mate" as opposed to someone with a fully realized career path where he's part of your life instead of your everything.
Seriously, don't give up your career! You've worked hard and long to get where you are, and you two simply aren't compatible. There are many other guys out there who have more of a team approach when it comes to partnerships than him.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Hmmm...he sounds like he is either intimidated by your career (pathetic) or that he is a bit "needy". Needy guys can be worse than needy girls. Tread carefully
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2013):
I think it can work if one doesn't feel threatened by the other. He sounds like he may not have enough self-esteem to bolster his ego when he's feeling lonely and bored.
Why not give him some more time and see how it goes? If he continues with the moaning and the canceling and blaming you for his feelings, then let him go off into the sunset.
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