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anonymous
writes: I am due to be married in August. I moved in with my fiance and my parents were not pleased as they are strict Catholics, however, I had to get out of their house where I was living as I suffer from depression and there was a major family upheaval going on which was making me iller and iller. I then coerced my fiance into proposing to me and set a date immediately for the wedding, as at the moment my parents will not come round to our house and that is breaking my heart. I also wanted to have a white wedding to make my parents happy and take away the pain of what has happened in our family with my sister who eloped with her teacher and disowned us.Anyway, the long and short of it is that I've met someone else. He is divorced and and also has an ex-partner with whom he had 2 children. He says that he is willing to get an annulment and become a Catholic to prove how much he loves me. I love him more than I can ever say. However, you can see how much this would upset my family. Even if he gets the annulment he will still have two children from another relationship. I left my fiance last week and told him all about the other guy, he is willing to put it behind us and take me back. When I was away from him I did miss him?...What do I do? Has anyone else been in this situation. Do I leave or stay and make everyone happy. At the moment I am contemplating just ending it all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005): My belief is that you are not ready to be married. You need to figure out who you are first and know what you really want. It is perfectly ok to be in love with two peple but neither of them meets all your needs or have the ability to cancel the other one out. As long as you feel the need to be available for amrriage to both, then you are not ready to be the wife of either. Slow down and figure you out first. Know what you want and need to be committed to one person for the rest of your life.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 February 2005):
 Hi dear,Please don't allow this situation to dominate your life. I can't say that I've been in your position, but I can see one or two important points in your letter that encouraged me to respond.You seem to be running your life as a one-stop shop devoted to making your narrow-minded parents happy. What about your happiness? Your folks don't have to spend the rest of their lives with your choice of husband. Who cares what they think of your fiance? If he's good enough for you, why should he have to appeal to a couple of religious zealots?Are you an adult? Then act like one! Do what you think is best for YOU. Marry whom you please - or not - whenever you please. Last time I looked, this was your life you were living, not your mum's and dad's.Ask yourself this important question: Do I want to marry either my fiance or the Other Man? An answer of "I don't know" in this case, is the same as a "no". If you can't give yourself a definite "Yes" and a number of reasons why (that have nothing to do with your parents), then defer, delay and postpone the wedding. Nothing your folks could do or say could be messier and more unpleasant than marrying someone you don't love. Don't worry about a silly thing like having a white wedding, just to please your parents. Honestly, hon, it's just symbolic anyway, and you don't have to "make it up" to your folks for something your sister did. If you want it for yourself, fine. Do it. But why do your parents get first claim on YOUR wedding day and why are they trying to make you feel guilty for something your sister did in her own life?Now, to get down to the nitty-gritty. I wouldn't advise you to marry either one of these men. You're too confused, you're too depressed and you're too unhappy to make a rational choice. The smart thing would be to make a break from your fiance for a while (you've done that - yayyyy for you), so you can take a bit of time to think about what you want for YOUR future.Tell both your fiance and the Other Guy that you're not coping at the moment and that you have to have some time on your own. Then go back to your doctor and talk to him about the depressions you're having. If you tackle any biochemical imbalances first, you'll be in a much better frame of mind to untangle the threads of the rest of your life.In summary: 1. Tell your parents, "Thank you both for your love and support over the years, but I'm an adult and will make my own decisions now, for right or wrong". 2. Postpone or cancel the wedding (let's not even discuss the reason you "coerced" your boyfriend into proposing). 3. Get some attention for your depression. 4. Love yourself first, then there'll be plenty of time for loving someone else.Take care and I hope this helps a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2005): You need to follow your heart and what makes YOU happy not everyone else. It's your life and you have to live with your choices. You need to be happy. You need to decide who it is that you love and if that other guy having children already really would bother you. If it does then you won't be happy, he has those children forever. No one can make up your mind for you it is up to you. You first have some important decissions to make and with that the rest will come easy. Good luck...
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