A
male
age
41-50,
*ursed diamond
writes:Hello all. New to this website and looking for some thoughts or advice with my situation. Have been in a relationship, going on 5yrs now. I'm 35 and she is 34. I love her very much and would do anything for this girl. When we first met I was in between jobs and had alot of free time and we saw each other all the time. Things moved very quickly and she became pregnant 5 mos into the relationship. I never expected to be a father but now our little guy is 3 and I feel so blessed and do believe it is the best thing that has ever happen to me. At the time we met we were both living at home with our parents, I had moved back home from out of state, and she was in between apartments. She had a 13 yr old from a previous relationship and his dad has never been around. Anyway sorry this is so long but that is the background.We moved in together a few months after we found out we were going to have a baby. Nice area very safe and making plans for a future. Sex was great at the start, anytime anyplace even during the pregency. I still say the best sex we had was when she was pregnant. I landed a good job and we were on our way. For the last year or so things have not been so good. She has had a tough time finding a job, and only works one or two days a week if lucky, I am still employed but have taken a significant decrease in pay due to the economy. We still do what we can with what we have, but times have been tough.She is a very sexual girl that's why it is very disappointing that our sex life has become next to nothing. I have talked to her and she tells me she does not know what is going on, she is just not in the mood and not feeling affectionate. Right after the baby was born she went through a phase of not wanting it as much as me and I felt that was normal and dealt with it and it quickly worn off. But this last year it has been different. She NEVER wants it. I feel as if I lost her. I just want to be happy and am not a selfish lover at all. But I feel so pathetic having to beg for sex. Our communication is not were it should be, I think that is part of the problem. I try to convince her we need time together without the kids and she just blows me off or makes an excuse. I want to take her on dates and do things but she seems so distant and not much interested in me at all. When I try to kiss her she pushes me away wtf ???I have always been very confident and self sufficent but this is killing me. I am feeling very insecure and jealous. I have asked her if she was interested in anyone else, she said no. I have no reason to beleive she is cheating I just know she is not having sex with me. I go thru her cell phone check emails (how pathetic is that?) All she says to me is to be patient and wait for her to come around. I do not know how long I can wait. We have sex maybe once a month if that and it has not been very good she just seems so distant and not interested. I do not know what to do. She has been very stressed with the boys and her lack of work, but it doesn't seem like we are partners anymore. I work like 55hrs a week but still manage to help around the house and take care of things that need to be done.I'm to the point where I am not happy at all and I need her loving. I am considering looking outside our relationship for the physical attention I need but I've never cheated and I do not want to go down that road. If I cut bait now I may find happiness but the thought of not being with my son everyday breaks my heart. If I break up with her she would most likely have to move back with the parents and strugle even more. I just want her to be happy and have the love we once had is that possible? or am I just chasing something that may never be. Thanks, again sorry such a long rant.Peace
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in the mood, insecure, jealous, living at home, move on, moved in, sex life, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, cursed diamond +, writes (17 February 2011):
cursed diamond is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. What an incredible story, thanks for sharing it. I do agree, a counselor is something to pursue. About 4 months ago I mentioned that to her and she got somewhat offended ( I think that she thought that I was suggesting that she needed counseling) I tried to explain I wanted to go together and that it may help us, she kinda laughed it off. Anyway I am planning on talking to her again about that option.
Thanks again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): That is not a long rant at all. Complex issues.
If you ever make it to a good counselor, that will seem like the shortest thing you ever thought of.
I'll try to be helpful, but what you need is a very good counselor. I could have written a lot of that story. In my case, my wife just quit on me sexually after the second child, she didn't want it, was depressed, and felt insecure, and it all happeneda after kids, but it started before she ever met me and had little to do with me. No two cases are the same though, and you need to deeply investigate together what is going on in your relationship and with her and with yourself. My wife, who never wanted sex, and who didn't want to be affectionate, ended up having an affair, I was sex and affection starved and didn't (but I sure thought about it and had opportunity). Of the two of us, I was the lucky one.
"For the last year or so things have not been so good."
Stress and fear and insecurity and feeling of lower self worth, almost certainly. Think of what it is like to realize you can't get a steady job.
"She has had a tough time finding a job, and only works one or two days a week if lucky."
Major ego blow. No matter what you say or do, it still hurts.
"I am still employed but have taken a significant decrease in pay due to the economy."
Again, this increases the insecurity of the person, and she knows you could walk away (she's been through it before "his dad has never been around" again a major ego blow even if he was an asshole and you don't want him around, if an asshole doesn't want you then you must be worthless to a guy who isn't an asshole).
"...times have been tough."
Again, if times are tough, then insecurity builds.
"I have talked to her and she tells me she does not know what is going on, she is just not in the mood and not feeling affectionate."
You need to talk more, much more, and need professional help. First, a medical evaluation, if that is normal, then before the pills come out (I'm a practicing physician and I know doctors and they just love to throw pills at all these problems which more often than not is not the right decision) you need to have a counselor to help you with communications and opening up the past issues, current issues, family life, prior family life, prior relationships, and just damn near anything you can think of. You must talk about it all.
"She NEVER wants it."
This is not normal.
"I feel as if I lost her."
You have, and she may have lost herself, and she may not feel that you are approachable. She may have things that she can't talk about that are particularly problematic for her to talk with you about.
"But I feel so pathetic having to beg for sex."
You aren't, neither is she for not wanting it, but she may feel the same way for not wanting it, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
"When I try to kiss her she pushes me away wtf ???"
Again, not normal, again it indicates a major rupture in the relationship, major insecurity, or something worse.
"All she says to me is to be patient and wait for her to come around."
Yes, be patient, but DON'T WAIT for her to come around, you need to work on this relationship or it will fall apart. Let her read this. Honestly, don't just post on here, you guys are not alone, this is very common. My story may be a bit extreme, but I was patient, I was patient for 15 years, no exaggeration. During that time, my wife would not talk to me about her past and her private pain. She struggled at times, and hid it from me, she had an affair at her worst time, and then considered suicide after realizing what she had done (I didn't know, I suspected and she was able to deny it successfully). Things got better, then got worse, things unexplainable occurred, time away was squandered and there were walls I couldn't understand. 3 Counselors, all were lied to by her, she couldn't tell the truth about her past. I married someone who had hidden the past deep and was haunted by it, but someone who was at the same time wonderful in so many ways. When I got her to talk, she wouldn't do it at first and openly REFUSED to talk after over 15 years of being together and told me that "I know you will leave me if I tell you everything." So, she started small, after being urged to talk, by me, for months, but she lied to the counselors, she lied to me, and she told us things that were terrible enough but still not true or not completely true, then, after I told her that it didn't make sense (it just didn't add up), she told the whole truth about her life, and it was like a damn breaking (affair/abuse/multiple rapes/neglect/fear/shame/depression/suicide attempts). It was pretty bad, far worse than she had been willing to admit to, the affair was the least of things. The worst thing I found I had to deal with was that I was a handsome, successful, attractive, high earning man who could have had "someone better" and she had been in fear that I would leave her for that "someone better" since we had our first child. The best time of her life had been with me, and she couldn't believe that I would stay with her, long before she had the affair, after the affair she knew I wouldn't stay. She knew I would leave when she finally started talking, which is how I found this website, while searching others stories out.
"She has been very stressed with the boys and her lack of work, but it doesn't seem like we are partners anymore."
That is because you aren't talking TRULY at this time, you can't be partners if this is happening.
"I am considering looking outside our relationship for the physical attention I need but I've never cheated and I do not want to go down that road."
You don't want to do it, just keep it fantasy, and only about people you don't know, the road is much better if the marriage can be repaired.
"I just want her to be happy and have the love we once had is that possible?"
Yes, it is....I've lived it...I'm glad I held on.
"I just chasing something that may never be."
Don't give in to fear...patient, loving, careful, and above all kind. I'm not a religious person, but this phrase may help you understand what you need, and you do need to be this way when this happens.
The Bible - New International Version (©1984)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Today, my sex life is great, better than ever in my life and I've got no complaints. My wife loves me like she's never loved anyone in her life, and I feel it, and others see it. She regrets the lost years, but her sex life is what it should have been, her home life is what it should have been, she finds immense joy in our family, she isn't afraid I'll be shagging some young nurse in a closet at work, or coming home and saying "I'm just tired of you". She can't believe the change in herself, and I can't believe it either. I never expected things to be like this after all that. I never left her.
Yes, I lost her, but I searched and searched and searched and found her again. What a change, we had sex today before I left for work, good sex. She brings me flowers every week to my work, and likes the sex, she's picking me up in a few minutes, and we will probably have sex again later today. She wants sex more than ever before in her life. I never expected that. In fact, I expected that when she started talking I'd have to pack my bags and go live in an apartment because I figured I'd be told I wasn't wanted....just the opposite was true, she had always wanted me but never believed that she could be what I wanted.
I hope it works that way for you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Women need two things from a man. Support, and excitement. And in a pinch, support can slide. Not saying it's fair, just something you have to work with.
You provide for her, help her around the house, and take care of the kid. Great. What do you do to keep her from being bored when she's home all week? It's great that you suggest going out, but by that point she's depressed from being home all week.
Additionally, there is some evidence that women go through a hormonal shift around 4 years after the birth of a child - pretty much their "seven year itch." Her instincts then drive her to seek out a powerful, dominant male with good genes to reproduce with (one reason so many divorces happen around the 4-5 year mark).
Combined with your begging for sex and general supplicating, lovey-dovey behavior, this is killing her attraction to you. What her body is demanding right now is a powerful, dominant male. You cannot change this, all you can do is change how you act - and therefore, how she perceives you.
Think back to what you were like when you first started dating - confident, outgoing, more likely to have fun on the weekends, right? Start doing being that way again, with or without her. Go out rock climbing or something physical and fun, no matter how tired you are from working. Take a cooking class, preferably one with lots of women. Anything that appeals to you. Invite her along, but don't let her drag you down if she won't go.
If it starts a fight, don't back down, your position is entirely reasonable and correct. Besides, an argument might be just the thing to demonstrate that you are confident and will not be bullied. You don't need to yell or anything, simply refuse to be moved by her.
Start acting like her refusing sex is no big deal. Stop begging. Outside the bedroom, show less affection - but still show some, and if she does something right, reward her with praise and attention. If she does something wrong, ignore her. Act like you love her and want her, but don't need her.
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