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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a relationship for 30 years, 25 of them married.Three days ago, by accident, I found out my wife has been registered with 2 ''swinger'' sites in the last 6 months. She has admitted to lunchtime dates with about 18 men and sex with 6 to 8 of them. She says she loves me and has been a fool. I still love her but I hate what she has done and cant stop thinking about the awful images. I know it is because I have had erection problems for 3 years, although I have been having treatment.I don’t know whether I’m a fool to try to stay, although on one level I will always love her, if I’m going to be unable to stop thinking about it.Is it ridiculous to even think about staying after infidelity on such a mammoth scale? I would like to hear peoples' views to help me see clearer what is best
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female
reader, snapoutofit  +, writes (14 May 2009):
I am assuming that this issue has been solved by now and that you are outta there because of the high risk of STD's your wife is putting you at.....
But I have to ask you the question what would you have committed if the situation was reversed and it was your wife who had had the sexual problem...
Tell me with a straight face you would have stayed faithful to her....pay attention to your reflexes as you answer this question and then reply back and I'll tell you if you are lying or not....
and to me it won't make any difference if you answer I would have at least left her____in that instance I will tell you__what she did and what you would have done is the same thing....forsaken the other.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): ask her to stop and make sure she does or you can do the same yourself - to "re-balance" the relationship ... be interesting to see what your wife thinks of this and whether she will accept from you what you are having to accept from her ... you may find after you have had casual sex with one other person - you will not want it anymore - but whatever - it would help redress the balance i the relationship or if you cannot accept it ... leave her - but i would make this my third option as you have much in your relationship which sounds worth working to saveif you cannt get rid of these images -get therapy couselling as the power these images have over you can be reduced until they are no longer causing you pain - there is a way of burning their power out of them good luck
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A
male
reader, Grim Reaper +, writes (30 December 2005):
 The fantasy of casual sex is quite a common one and some couples have used this to improve their relationship, however your wife has taken this fantasy and made it a reality without your prior knowledge. Perhaps the problem isn't your medical situation, but rather the lack of communication of a sexual nature between the two of you. If you still love her and want the relationship to work, perhaps it's time to sit down and discuss sexual matters together, everyone has sexual fantasies and needs, even you.
Perhaps you should rejoin the swinger site as a couple and both get something out of it.
You didn't mention the reason for your lack of erection or what the treatment is. I do know that there are many reasons for problems of this nature, if the treatment you are receiving hasn't helped then get a second opinion. My erection problems were caused by stress, main stream medicine either didn't work, or came with unwelcome side effects, finaly I found a chinese herbalist who made up a recipe of herbs that solved both my stress and my erection difficulties with none of the side effects.
I hope some of this helps and i wish you the best of luck with your choice and for the future.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (28 December 2005):
 Hi there, i agree with all the others here. Your wife has no excuse whatsoever to cheat on you on such a large scale. It isnt your fault that u have erection problems. I am sorry but i dont believe that she cheated so many times entirely because of this problem. People like christopher reeves who had riding incident and were paralysed still had his wife stand besides him because of love.
I would be lying if i encourage you to put up with this. It is known that alot of men when they get older become inactive and some develop erection problems.
Please dont accept this behaviour from her at all. its up to u really what u should do but if i am the one i wouldnt stay.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005): You either a fool for staying or wanting to stay, or you are a fool for not asking her to join her swinging club, and getting in on some of the action, which might put a spark back into your marriage.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (28 December 2005):
Its not your fault why she has cheated on you! Noway, just because you have erection problems DOES NOT give her the right to go sleep with other men. She should treat yo uwith respect, love, and dignity, not that your no good if you aren't the best at having sex.
She must know what shes doing wrong, otherwise she would of told you. For that, it suggests that this is failed, as she as hurt you and it is very hard to move forward in a realtionship after one person as betrayed the other.
Firstly, ask her, is she going to stop cheating on you? I mean if it is because of your erection problems then, how does hse propse to deal with it? If she won't stop then I deffintly say leave her! I know this will be hard but, you will end up just getting very very very hurt.
To stay with her I think would be very foolish, yet I know that you must have deep feelings for her and its hard to just let go. So thats why talk about it more with her and why she did it. There is never an excuse for why someone cheats on another, but if she can't promise and stick to it, to never cheat again and work out a way to solve it, then leave her, she deserves to be left then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005): Yes, you are a fool. I know that there are plenty of woman out there who can love you without having to give excuses to their infidelity. You should just stop lying to yourself. Just because you have an erection problem does not make you an inferior person. It does not make love your other half any less. I've been with my husband for 7 years. No sex due to problems. But I don't go advertising myself to get sex. I still love my husband and you'll find one that does too.
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