A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Happy Holidays to all of you and thanks in advance for taking the time to read my question.I am a bit confused and I find it so difficult to deal with my boyfriend. He is sign Cancer, very sensitive, kind, but very selfish, very demanding and also wants to be in control of everything. We've been arguing a lot lately. His responses to my emails and his actions lately drive me up the wall. I keep wondering what happened? how come? Have things been always like that and I tolerated them or is he taking me for granted more and that's why we fight. I know that it is quite normal for a relationship to develop and I am aware that we don't always be on cloud nine. We have been in a long distance relationship for 9+ years. We live in two different countries. He was very clear from the beginning that he does not want anymore kids but he wanted to marry again. After almost 3 years in our relationship he said he does not want to marry, he is happy the way things are and gave me the choice to move on or to stay!! I stayed because i do love him.I am the one doing the travel, simply because he is in the army and he can't travel unless he gets a permission. I am the one making phone calls because he has 2 grown up kids from a previous marriage and has a lot of expenses, so he calls me and ask me to call him back, or he emails me the time to call him on his cell phone, he has no land line.The thing is I can't call him whenever I miss him or whenever I feel like it. I can't see him until he decides when I should go and for how long, most of the time just over the weekend only. Basically he is the one who decides on everything and I am the one who does the running around. When, where and how?I tried few times to tell him, how I feel about the way he treats me and what upsets me !! He apologized and tried to be nice for a short while and then went back to being blunt, harsh and moody. I seriously considered breaking up with him few times. The last time we meet he introduced me to some of his co-workers as a friend and when I asked him how come? he said "in our age it is cheap to say I am his girlfriend" I've never heard that before but, I didn't say anything to him.I have to let you know that I am good looking, people find me attractive, smart, I have a good figure, I watch what I eat and exercise, I have good taste in clothes and I am funny, he says I make him laugh. Bottom line, I am not a girl who you would be embarrassed to introduce to anyone.I haven't seen him for a year now !! So I decided out of decency and out of the my genuine love for him, I can't breakup over the phone or per emailI known he has genuine feelings for me. He does not often say "I love you" but when he does he means it. But now maybe because I don't see any future for us, I feel confused and I don't see why should I take that anymore. If you were me, what would you do? Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): I know I'm late with this response but I can see how much pain you're in. Hopefully, you've already made a decision, but here's my opinion: Simply stated -- "we teach others how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them." Each time you allowed him to treat you poorly (even if it was because of your deep love for him), you were non-verbally saying to him that it's fine that he completely disregard your feelings. You deserve to be treated better than this but until YOU don't believe it, nothing can change. His actions are telling you everything you need to know in order to make a smart decision. The only confusion I see is that you are focusing on the past, perhaps when you were first falling in love with him. THREE final points: 1) his introducing you as is "friend", esp after all this time, is just insulting. 2.) The fact that he isn't dying to be with you after so much time apart is a clear signal to me that he is not truly emotionally invested in this "relationship." 3.) 9 yrs is way too long for a long distance relationship in the absence of *clear* intentions for the future.It's time to walk away. IMO you need to work on your self-esteem either via self-help books (there are lots of great ones out there) or with a good therapist.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): Gal i had been in a relationship like that wth my 1st BF and i know how hard it is 4 u.Us we had this 3yr long distance relationship i did all like u do coz he was jobless and too much money excuses. The whole 3yrs i didnt eat even a cent from him and i was the 1 doing even all the calling.Bt 1day we agreed he come and stay with me so he can look 4 a job in the country i was and within a month of staying with l broke up with him coz i couldnt take it anymore.All u said abt your guy can make him my ex's twin brother. So my advice is nomatter how much u love him and with things like this its better u move on coz u deserve better than this.I know maybe somewhere somehow u feel like u own him love but after u move on u will see how much time u wasted all these years.And wen u did move on dont regreted that u left him coz its going 2 hold u back.4 i learn from those 3yrs we shared and i am now in a new relationship and i am work on myself that i dont do repeat all what i did in the past like 2 be the 1 who take it all because of love...l dont give more than i get coz i learn the hard way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 Coming in late here and I am sorry for that…
So from reading I find you are confused (welcome to my world ROFL) and sense you are angry at worst and frustrated at best.
Your partner is (in your words)
VERY selfish
VERY demanding
Controlling
Blunt
Harsh
moody
He is now arguing with you and his responses to you are “driving you up a wall” i.e. your frustrated with his responses.
I am betting that things HAVE always been this way but now you have HAD ENOUGH.
By the time you guys got to 3 years in, at least ONE of you needed to have relocated…
You were told SIX YEARS ago that this was as good as it got and yet you stayed because you love him.
WHY do you love him. LIST all the things HE CURRENTLY does that make you love him…. (for yourself, you don’t have to convince me…..
You do all the travel.. because he can’t without PERMISSION…. I think that when a military person wants to take leave they request it and it gets approved…. They still can travel… just need the leave approved…. So I’m going to suggest that his stating that he can’t travel without permission is a bit over the top… if someone is military and can correct me please do…. But along with everything else it sounds like a bit of an excuse…
He has TWO GROWN children and lots of expenses so he can’t call you? I SCREAM foul. UNLESS these kids are disabled they should be supporting themselves and secondly phone calls on cells count for minutes either way usually… again I smell a rat….
YOU are not the one to initiate contact? You can’t call him or see him unless HE WANTS IT?
How is this fair? HOW is this even a RELATIONSHIP? IT sounds harsh but you sound like a puppy in a cage waiting to be called to her master for a treat….
Oh and on the “at our age it is cheap to say girlfriend” I think it’s a crock… I’m 51 my fiancé 38 and he called me girlfriend for the longest time… Your BF refusing to introduce you as his SO/GF/life partner screams negative things to me….
You walk on eggs with him waiting for a crumb or morsel…
You have not seen him in a year? And yet you speak of decency and love.
HOW do you KNOW he loves you? What does he DO to show you he loves you? Saying it means NOTHING.
Even if he does not want to get married he should want to see you more and he snould want to no NEED to close this distance…
IF I was you I would tell him FISH OR CUT BAIT…. MEANING:
Either we are a full time LOCAL couple (one or both of you have to move) OR you need to end it and get on with finding a real life partner
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 December 2011):
 9 years, always long distance, you have to do all the running and shoulder all the costs, and he does not even call you his gf ?...
In my hometown, when we see somebody putting lots of effort, time and devotion into some enterprise that has no apparent scope ,sense or probability of success, we say he /she is " combing anchovies ".It says it all, doesn't it.
I think you are pretty much combing anchovies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): I think you're wasting your life away in the idea that this is a relationship- it doesn't seem like one to me from what you've described and he won't even acknowledge you or call you his gf. You deserve a lot more than this. For all you know, since you live in different countries, he may have other women he is involved with. I would end it asap- the three year point or earlier should have been a sign for you- and find someone who can really be there for you and who will be proud to introduce you to people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): You are doing all the work in this relationship, and everything is on his terms, and it's been 9 or more years. I do believe long distance relationships can work if both people want them too, but in this case I don't think he wants it to work out. He likes keeping you around until he finds someone who wants to be with more. In this case I think you should end this relationship now. I do now how hard it is when you love someone, but in this case I think it would be the best thing for you so you can find someone who treats you right when your ready to try again. Good Luck.
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