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male
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anonymous
writes:I am a 53 yr male with what I would call a good sex drive and I have been in a sexless marriage now for about 7 yrs medical issues.We have been together for 23yrs I love my wife very much and we have a great relationship but I afraid this could do damage to our relationship. Is it wrong to ask if I could have sex with some one else from time to time or will that createmore damage
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): If you can safely say you've tried every other avenue available to you to sort this out then I see nothing wrong in throwing a hypothetical out there.
As long as you can take no for answer then I see no harm in asking.
Well I say "no harm" but it may well crush her confidence and ruin your marriage for good, but you know your wife. Is this something she could handle you asking?
I know for certain mine could, but then I wouldn't ever need to ask. I only want sex with her, I could live the rest of my life without it if she couldn't provide it as long as I get to have her as my wife. I've even told her never to suggest it should we find ourselves in such a situation, masturbation is enough for me to release my frustrations.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): I am assuming the medical issues 'belong' to your wife? I wonder how you would react if you had the medical issues and she wanted sex elsewhere! I understand your needs but there are other ways to be intimate and these can be intensely satisfying. In fact imagine overcoming these medical issues and enjoying sexual fulfilment in some way with your wife and you will have an incredible relationship - possibly be closer than ever. It is about exploring what those things are and building that back up first. Without understanding precisely why sex is not happening (physical issues) it is hard to suggest something but sex toys or other things might help? Over time your wife may have lost all confidence and inspiration to have sex and now it is a strange idea. Again, start with a little bit of intimacy and go from there. If after another year you feel the same way as you do now then perhaps you might consider a conversation with her about it - but you owe it to a happy marriage to not go elsewhere. It is a huge boundary to cross over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): I'm curious as how to you would approach your wife and ask her something like that?
"Hey hun, I was thinking maybe I'd like to start dating other women. If that's okay with you?"
"Don't worry, it's only for meaningless sex. Since you've got medical problems and all; I figure you wouldn't mind. After-all, we haven't had sex in seven years."
Then she would have the right to say:
"Sure, go ahead! I'll make arrangements with my divorce attorney for my half of everything." " Have fun!"
She may as well find herself a new husband. You don't get to find yourself a mistress when your spouse is disabled and/or sick.
You're a pill, maybe there's another reason you aren't getting sex. You need sensitivity therapy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I agree with the anonymous person that sexless relationships can drive you to resentment (like I said in my first response) but I don't agree with cheating because that's not fair to your wife.You need to try couples counselling with your wife. If that doesn't work and you don't ask for an open marriage (safe hook ups only, no texting or other communication), you'll probably build up enough resentment to cheat or get divorced. If you DO ask and she doesn't like it, she may divorce you. If you ask and she agrees, it may work for a while, but it may destroy the relationship anyway. So try in that order:- couples counselling- ask for NSA hook ups with no communication except to arrange times and places (no recurring partners, so you don't start getting attached!)- divorce
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2014):
 If I was your wife I would say fine... but then I'm not your wife and most women can't deal with realizing that men can have sex without falling in love...
are you missing SEX or are you missing intimacy.
As honeypie pointed out, they are two different things.
my husband and I are emotionally close and intimate but we RARELY have sex.. we cuddle and kiss every day and that closeness is enough for him.
I miss sex. I miss a lot of things about sex but I realized that being married to my husband is more important to me than getting laid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I'll be the only one to say this I guess but I understand how sole destroying it can be too be in a sexless marriage, yes people are right you shouldn't be unfaithful morally it's wrong but sex is a weird emotion in your head and one that will eventually drive you nuts if you deny yourself a Sexual relationshipI'd firstly try a sexual relationship with your wife, if it's not penetration it could be oral sex or foreplay, if she's cant or not willing then I would consider going to a secret adult site where you meet other married people and take your time to meet another person that's in a similar situation as you, that's not going to want more than you can give to them, keep the relation a FWB only don't really get to know this person too well or see them to often so the "L" word doesn't get involved and your wife would get hurt, biggest tip... Get a second phone, delete all evidence (don't hold on to texts or emails to reminisce) separate sex from love. You might even have a better marriage at the end of it
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 A sexless marraige is stil a marraige in the eyes of the law and God- you don't get to make up a rational for divorce, why not just file and get it over with. You don't need to hurt her on the way out the door. You've already made up your mind. sowhy look for positive reinforcement.If every husband that thought he wasn't getting enough sex left his wife, ther'd be very few couples left. Booooo Hooo
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2014):
 I think you already know the answer and as BOTH of the lovely uncles pointed out...
Is your libido more important than your marriage?
My husband had a heart attack last year and is due for more heart surgery. He is on SEVERAL medications that ALL "interfere" with his libido and stamina. While I DO miss the sex, we still maintain a lot of intimacy.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 "Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy Estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love her? Comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her as long as you both shall live?"
That's a pretty standard wedding vow. You're now in the "in sickness" part of it, which does not absolve you from the "forsaking all others" part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I don't know of many wives that would consent to their husbands having sex with other women. Would it damage your already damaged marriage? That's a no-brainer. I would say yes, with little doubt.
Did you mean your wedding vows? Particularly "through sickness and in health?"
How much more damaged could it be, if you could ask her something like that?
What are her medical problems?
If she can't figure out a way to sexually please her husband; my guess is that she doesn't want to. Maybe you can't have intercourse; but there are other ways to have sex. That may be debatable according to some politicians.
What have you been doing the last seven years?
If you decide to do it without her consent, it's likely she'll divorce you anyway. So you may as well divorce her; so you can have sex with whomever you please.
It makes no sense starving yourself within a marriage that has you wanting to have women on the side. Odds are, you'll simply fall for someone else in the process.
Which is more important to you? Sex, or keeping your wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Well, if you don't, you'll build up enough resentment for divorce anyway, so you might as well ask - IF you've already tried EVERYTHING (including couples therapy that specialises in the intimate blocks) with your wife.Unless you PAY for it (if it's not illegal where you live) because having a FWB arrangement with someone means it's likely to ruin your marriage as someone could fall for the other person.The fact is, in my opinion, you're already heading for divorce. If you don't get sex somewhere, it'll wear you down and you'll probably cheat - resulting in divorce. If you do ask and she is horrified you'd consider it, she'll probably want to divorce you. If you do ask and she agrees under her conditions, you may have a somewhat successful relationship again, but it may cause a breakdown after a while.Have you been to couples counselling?
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