A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I will try to keep this brief. Beloved Boyfriend and I have been living together for approximately 7 years. We have (I think) a wonderful relationship - we are basically best friends who want to spend the rest of our lives together and have awesome sex. We love going on adventures together, and a year ago we added a puppy to our family. I think we have a very high level of commitment - we have moved (together) across the country twice. Yes, we did take a 4-month hiatus a couple years ago, but we both feel that it helped our relationship as we chose to be together again after the hiatus and we feel the experience helped us to confirm that we're not just together because it is the path of least resistance/the status quo.That said, why the hell hasn't he proposed? we talk about marriage frequently, and I have always had the impression that, while he is not really into traditional things like weddings, he is absolutely committed to our relationship and to a lifetime together. But now, 7 years later, and no ring is forthcoming. Many of our friends who are now married met each other after we were already living together, which makes me feel like he has had plenty of time to get off his you-know-what and do the right thing. He knows this is really important to me, so I think that is partly what is bothering me about this whole situation. If the situation were reversed I would ask him if I knew it were really important to him, and to make him happy, even if I were somewhat indifferent to the whole thing.I have always hated the whole ultimatum thing (marry me or I will leave you to find someone who will), and I find it distasteful to even contemplate. I will not stoop to that level since I know we will spend our lives together with or without a ceremony. But come on - I'm a chick, for chissakes. I like fancy dresses and presents and tear-jerking vows and the whole 9 *wedding* yards. Can you please shed some guy insight on this situation? Is he dragging his feet for a real reason, or maybe is it because he already has the commitment, the married lifestyle, etc., and he doesn't feel the need to indulge me in my chick desires? But if you really love someone, wouldn't you want to do something if you knew it would make them happy?Thanks for your advice!! it is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 June 2009):
 If you are committed to being together forever, then I really think it's time to have a honest and open talk. It's been 7 years... that's a long time. I think that you deserve to know the answer to your question. As 'anon' points out, there are so many legal benefits that go along with being married. You have already committed to "forever" between the two of you, you should at least go through the legal motions and let Uncle Sam see you two as a unit and get all those benefits that come along with it.
Are you planning on having kids?
I think you guys really need to talk about this. 7 years? I don't think that this is too soon to be talking about this at all... I think it's totally reasonable to hear him out about why he isn't into weddings. I don't think an ultimatum is necessary... it might end up being necessary, but I wouldn't go into the conversation attacking him and making him feel super pressured. But, I do think that it's important that this conversation happens. I do think that you deserve a special day to celebrate you being together - it doesn't need to be insane, thousands of dollars or anything. You can throw a really fun BBQ, you can buy a beautiful white dress for like, a couple hundred dollars, say vows in front of your family and friends and there you go. A wedding doesn't need to cost a fortune, it is really just about you two making a commitment in front of your family and friends. A wedding is to celebrate your love together, not to go into debt. Maybe your fella is scared that it'll just be about the bells and whistles and not about the two of you.
Good luck, and I do think that a long talk is in order for you guys... your relationship can survive this for sure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): If you are going to be committed for life, makes more sense to me to get married and you don't have to have a big wedding, you can compromise on that. Some things that people don't consider is that you'd be his next of kin in a medical emergency or filing on your taxes saves you guys money it also saves you money as a married couple on car insurance. These are all small things that add up and benefit you as a married couple. There's no reason he can't just make it legal in order to make you happy. If you have kids they like to know their parents are married as opposed to not. If one of you is out of work, you can add your spouse to your health insurance where some companies won't let you do that if you aren't.
Tell him straight up or you can propose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Well if you have both already decided that you are committed for life, then what exactly does he have to get married for? You already sound like you are having a great time. If I was a guy, I wouldn't be too excited about spending huge amounts of money and effort in order to "do the right thing" so my girlfriend can have a ring and a pretty dress for a day. Tell him, unequivocally, that you NEED to have the whole wedding hoopla or else propose to him yourself. But the way I see it, you have a good thing, you feel safe and secure in your commitment to him, why ruin it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): You say he is not really into the idea of "traditional things like weddings" and you also don't offer much justification as to why you MUST have one, except that you want to wear a white dress and be fawned over.
You have commitment from him in all the ways that matter. You two are exclusive, with a shared pet, moving cross-country together, and so on. Frankly I think you'd be really stupid to throw it away because he won't give you a ring and a title on the schedule you had planned out.
Have you discussed your feelings with him at all? Or just us on the internet? "Is he dragging his feet for a real reason?" We have no idea. He does, so he is the one you should be asking that question to. Good luck.
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