A
female
age
41-50,
*oplesslydevoted
writes: Dear Cupid, My bf and I have been together for just over 5 years. We've lived together since day 1 and have a 4 yr old daughter together. We have a really good relationship and things are going fine. We love each other very much and are both very devoted to our family. I'm growing extremely frustrated at the fact the he hasn't proposed yet. In fact, it's consuming me. We have talked about it often, well, I have, and he says he want to marry me 'someday'. He talks about the future as though we're both going to be there and together but no real 'plans' to propose or get married. We did talk about it a lot last year and I was so sure I was getting a ring for Christmas that I even told everyone at my work that I wold be coming back from CHristmas break engaged. Needless tosay, he didn't propose and I was humiliated having to give the news. If we didn't have a daughter together I would probably think more seriously about leaving out of respect for myself. However, I'm torn right now between these two thought...1. I should leave because I respect myself and know that I deserve to haev someone 'committed' to me and what is it showing my daughter that it's ok to 'settle' for someone who isn't willing to do the 'right thing' or fully committ and 2. How fair would be of me to leave for my own sake and have my daughter then come from a broken home that there really wasn't anything wrong with except the fact that I don't have a ring?...I just don't know what to do. I can't tell you how frustrated and hurt I am that it's not more of a priority for him. He acts like that would just be the 'ultimate' relationship move and says he isn't ready yet. I love him and want to be with him. How much of a diservice am I doing to myself my staying, hoping and waiting? And how much of a diservice am I doing to my daugther who deserves to have her parents married and make it 'real'?Please help with some advice on either what I should do, a new way to think about this, or how to light the fire under him.Thanks!
View related questions:
christmas, engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Dear hopelesslydevoted, with your clarification, the aspect of why you're pregnant without being married is clear. However, I still think that what you need to do is stay in your relationship, even if he won't propose.
I gave you my response on the basis of what you wrote, but also what I see all the time where I live.
Down here, though you might believe otherwise, so many people don't marry first, but they go to live together. So many women find themselves in your situation, time after time. And they all find that the man makes vague promises about marrying some day. My grandfather, may he rest in peace, got involved with a woman and had a daughter with her, but they weren't married. I'm sure it was he who was avoiding it, because his woman had four children by three men who had previously left her, so I'm sure she very much wanted a piece of paper that would give her security. My grandpa didn't marry that woman until he knew his death was coming. He wanted her to be able to collect money as his "legal" widow. They lived together for approximately forty years.
Quite often, if a man feels that the relationship works perfectly, he won't want to make a "legal" commitment by signing a piece of paper. That would give the woman security, and peace of mind, but that could complicate his life if things went wrong.
I don't know why your partner does not get married, but I don't see what sort of a good reason he could have. All the "bad" things have already happened: he's already a father at a young age, I assume he's already working to support the family, he already lives as a husband and not as a wild young man, et cetera. I can be wrong, but I can only think of that legal aspect as his reason.
I very much understand your situation at the time you got pregnant, and I very much understand that a 21 year old with a child who loves her partner doesn't really have a choice: you had to take him this way, or no way. It wouldn't have done any good to put pressure on him to marry you. And maybe it wouldn't even have made sense. You didn't really know whether your relationship would work out. Now you know it has, and you want to take the next step, but he won't. That's the problem.
Like I said, you can't win: either you lose him, which means a huge loss to your girl, or you stay there, which means you won't see the ring. I still recommend you to pick the lesser of two evils.
Now, there's one thing that got me thinking. You mention that you don't know which last name to use at surname to use when you send your girl to school. That surprises me. I would assume he would have given her his last name by now. He doesn't deny the girl is his. If you find it right, can you expand on this? Has he legally acknowledged the girl as his? It seems he hasn't, or you wouldn't be mentioning this. I don't know the legal system in Canada, and I don't know where you live there, but I do know that the Quebecois legal system is pretty much like our own, as both come from the French tradition. Down here, and for a very long time, fathers have been legally able to acknowledge a child even if they are not married to the wife. My grandpa did just that for my mother. He never married my grandma.
One more thing: you're not a moron, but you got it wrong when he said "you'll have to wait and see" about the ring. What he meant is "no". If you lived here, you would have known it right away. Whether that's a final "no", we don't know.
Take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Does your daughter not have her father's last name? I don't understand why it would be an issue, her starting school next year & you not knowing which last name to use. Use the last name that is on her birth certificate which is generally the father's. If it is not her father's name on the birth cert. & you want to change it to her father's, you can do that through the courts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): "Failed birth control? ok"
I guess it was failed birth control after all. It happens a lot, I am a result of the pill failing. I don't see why that's so unbelievable. No, she didn't ask if she should have hope, but she also didn't ask to be insulted. So according to you all we're allowed to say is yes or no in our advice because she only wanted to know wether or not she should leave? You said a lot more than a short yes or no in your "advice" why can't everyone else? Are you the only one allowed to have an opinion? Sorry I wasn't aware of that rule. Poster, I wonder if you have never been on this site for advice before because it seems from reading your reply that you feel attacked and insulted. In fact you were by 1 person. However, the majority of us tried giving you reasonable opinions. And you're right, we don't know the entire story. You originally didn't provide all the details so how could we have? It does seem that he should want to marry you, but have you actually told him how much this means to you, or do you think he should just know? Guys don't tend to pick up on a lot of things that us women assume they should. You may have to just flat out (almost) demand it, as embarassing as it may be. Tell him everything, your concerns mostly for the child you share. It is possible that he did want to propose at Christmas and fell short of money for a ring. Did you ask him why he led you to believe that he was going to propose? I personally wouldn't have thought that is what he meant by winking & saying "you'll have to wait and see" and I am not a moron either. I may be a pessimistic person but I would wonder if he were just saying that because he was put on the spot and wanted out of the scrutiny. By me saying that it could have been failed birth control in no way meant that I thought that your baby was a mistake, or that you weren't entitled to her. I simply said that in response to the other poster's accusation that you planned a family without demanding the commitment of marriage. I'm sorry if my "advice" offended you, that wasn't my intent. You'll rarely ask a question on this site without getting some kind of negative reply. Don't take it personally.
...............................
A
female
reader, hoplesslydevoted +, writes (4 May 2008):
hoplesslydevoted is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear Readers
Wow, your responses are quite crude but given you don't know the circumstances nor our relationship I can understand fully why you'd think what you do.
Please let me explain something. I was 21 when I started seeing my bf so I definetly wasn't thinking about settling down at the time, starting a family and becoming domesticated (for lack of a better term)...I decided after about 2 months of seeing him that I was ready to be sexually active with him so that's where it started. I was on the birth control pill and never pissed a pill. After talking to my doctor as to the why's and how's..We came to the conclusion that it was possible that I was in the 1% of woman who got pregnant while on the pill or that because of the antiobiotic asthma medication I was on at the time, that could have lessened the effectiveness of the pill. Needless to say I didn't know that until it was too late.
In saying that, my pregnancy was not planned but that does not mean that we weren't thrilled at the same time. At 21 years old and finding out that I was going to be a mother, that didn't seem like the right thing to do at the time getting married and all. I wasn't sure about much except the fact that no matter what, I was going to be a great mom and my bf a great dad to which we have both lived up to.
I'm not saying in any way that 'ripping' my daugther away from her father is an option, it's in fact the opposite. I wouldn't have expected a proposal from him when I was 21 but now that we've been together for over 5 years and we have a family I think the circumstances have changed and now would be the right time to take the next step. We are a loving family with no issues other than this one, I'm ready and he doesnt seem to be...yet...(hopefully).
The reason that I told (my very close) coworkers about a possible engagement was because he told me in late summer last year that he wanted to do it by the end of the year...So, by the time Christmas got here I jokingly asked if he would be getting down on one knee and his response was "you'll have to wait and see" as he winked at me. So, unless you're a moron, which I'm not...I assumed the answer was yes. My mistake.
As for the ring being the only thing that signifies a marriage; that is not at all what I was implying. The ring simply signifies a promise to be married. Which in a lot of people's eyes is the 'ultimate' committment, connection, emotionally bonding experience in any relationship besides having children of course.
Trust me when I say teh concern is for my daughter not a piece of paper. Although it's what I want so much, I do worry about the fact the our daughter is starting school next year (09') and which last name to use. More so than that, I don't want it to teach her to settle for bread crumbs later on in life when in truth she deserves the whole loaf.
I love my daughter more than anything else in this world and would never do purposely do anything to hurt or disrupt her life or her stability. If you knew me personally you'd know that her best interests are not at stake nor is her happiness. We pride ourselves on how we've raised her thus far. Between ballet classes, soccer games, princess dressed and tea parties, she lives a very well-rounded, grounded life full of stability.
I was just looking for advice...Not a damning session.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Wow, "ask oldersister" that was surely a condescending answer. How do you know that the child was planned? The pregnancy could have been the result of failed birth control. Would you rather her abort because she was not married? Quit being so judgemental. If I were you poster, I would sit his ass down & tell him how you feel. He obviously doesn't know how strongly you feel about this issue. It's possible that he just doesn't think of it as a big deal. You're living together, have a child together, he may think what is the difference besides him having to put a lot of money down for a ring & a wedding. I definetly don't think you should leave him, & tear your family apart. I think you just need to be more direct when you tell him and please don't pressure him to get you a big ring. I really don't see why you'd tell co-workers that he was going to propose when you had no proof. It did rub me the wrong way when you described the only difference between being married & not was a ring. It is about a lot more than that. For us women, I think the biggest part is security. I have been where you are, I had a baby with my boyfriend, and I had the same thoughts as you. I finally brought it up & he acted like he really wanted to do it. Now were married, our oldest is 1 year old & we have a 6 week old. So, don't give up hope.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): don't worry about him not propsing, it doesn't really make much of a difference in the relationship at all. i'm 13 and my parents have been living together happily for over 15 years, and they only got married last month! My mum begged my dad to marry her for years but he just wasn't that bothered about it. if marrage is really that important to you, why don't you propose to him? i know it's not traditional for a woman to do it but if it gets you what you wont then it's worth a try!!
Take Care,
Ffion
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 May 2008):
I can't tell for sure what he has in his mind. But I will tell it as I see it. He doesn't seem to have any problem commiting, as he has had a commited relationship for five years already. There are no problems with you, at least not serious ones, because you're living together happily. The only difference with respect to a "formal" relationship is the piece of paper. And the legal aspects of it, which are certainly important.
I understand how you feel, because you're in a trap. If you complain too much, you will lose a relationship that works perfectly. If you don't, you will never be his wedded wife. It is as if he could leave you anytime. You just can't win.
In this case, I think you have to choose the lesser evil, and stay with him. I think that the complications that would arise from leaving him would be way worse than what is going on now.
This is not that I approve of what he does. I'm just suggesting what seems to be the lesser evil, exactly.
Maybe you can try again some time in the future.
I'm sorry for you. I wish I could say something different. But I'm afraid that you would be a lot more unhappy if you left than if you stayed.
...............................
|
