A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 43 and childless. I would love to have a child but the odds are stacked against me. I would love to have a child for a gay friend.My best friend is gay and I'd love to be able to broach the subject with him but I don't know how I should broach the subject with him. How can I bring it up?N.B I do not have fertility problems and am well aware of the liklihood of having children with disabilities at my ageI am also fully aware of the fostering and adoption opportunities. I have looked into both and have been advised that neither is an option for me.SO PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST EITHER AS AN ALTERNATIVE!!
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (23 February 2014):
 I dont see a problem with it to a degree long as you and him have things work out things that are best for the child or children. I know people that are gay and bi and they have children. People been having children even if they are pretending to be Str8 but was really bi gay. Or trying to identify sexuality.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): HI OP HERE AGAINThank you for all your advice. Just as an update...I wasn't expecting to have sexual intercourse in order to conceive. (I don't think my friend would take me seriously if I suggested it!) In addition, others have asked how would I feel if he then went on to start another relationship. I expect I would deal with that the same that many divorced couples would have to... but without the aninmosity that people who have been previously romantically involved. And with a lot of thought as to what's best for the child.And I seriously wouldn't choose this guy as a potential father to my children if I felt his views on this were completely different to mine.Just got to muster up the courage to sk him and not feel as if I'm just taking the piss by asking him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Say your gay friend does take up on your offer. But what happens if he meets someone he wants to have a relationship with? How would that third guy fit into your picture? Or maybe he would be scared off. What if he decides to pursue dating or a relationship, and decides to give up raising the child leaving you alone at it? Those are questions to think about and to be prepared for if it does happen.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2014):
 FA Sorry I did not mean to 'paint' you, I do respect your advice on DC. Was just stating a fact that the OP's friend is a gay man and that adhering marriage to the act of having a child is a view point that may not be acceptable between a single straight woman and a gay man. Marriage does not necessarilly make people good parents, gay straight or otherwise. OP may also not choose the route of intercourse for insemination.
Apologies to the OP for discussion about her sex life and I still think it's something she could happily pursue.
Good luck OP x
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 February 2014):
 Don't be to quick to paint me. A person in their 40's is looking to make a 20 year commitment. She is also looking to get a single man to make a similar commitment. The commitment to the child will affect his ability to have other committed relationships. There is much that is marriage-like about this.
You bring up a good point about his sexual orientation. I'd be less worried about their ability to co-parent, or even co-habitate than I am about his ability to impregnate her with no sexual attraction and possible some revulsion. I know how I would feel about having sex with a man. There is a pretty good chance he would feel similar feelings.
Still I hope our OP is not being put off by our frank discussion of her personal life.
FA
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2014):
FA the OP did say her friend is gay, so I doubt there will be a marriage and there is no need for the two parents to get married for the sake of the child.
What I do know, is when a child is longed for and planned for and brought about with live from both parents, that will be a very fortunate child and if both parents are involved in the raising of the child and everyone is honest and open about how that child came into being, there is not much that can harm that event.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2014):
Let's try that again.
OK so he is single and you are single and you want to raise a child together with him. This sounds more like an open marriage. Or even possibly a marriage with out very much sex. This is less unusual than you may think. What is unusual is that you would be going into it with all the information up front.
In that case there, is no reason not to treat the proposal as a marriage proposal. The child would be better off with 2 full time parents rather than 2 part time parents. Both situations are pretty common now so it wouldn't be impossible if you couldn't agree to live together.
This is quite a venture for two people who are just friends. I wonder how he will feel about this. Generally I wouldn't advise a marriage without some sexual attraction. It is just hard to keep together.
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2014):
OK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): Hi
OP here.
He has said before that "he'd like to think that he'd have children someday" (usually in repsonse to people noticing how well he interacts with children) but he and I have never had a really serious discussion about it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Has your friend ever said anything about wanting to be a parent?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): Yes, he's single....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I agree with Auntie Em.
Is he single btw? If he is NOT single, I don't think it's OK to ask him.
If he is NOT SINGLE - You can ask, but consult a lawyer first and if he says no, then accept it. If he says yes, time to negotiate how and what kind of access.
If he says no, there is the option of a sperm donor from a sperm bank.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): HI I AM THE OP
Thanks for your input and thoughts. The intention would be to both parent the child rather than one of us reliquinsh parental rights.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 February 2014):
Having a child with someone you are not in a relationship/romantic attachment with is a YES or NO issue.
I am not going to say 'oh you shouldn't do this or that' because I know people have children in all kinds of situations and quite frankly it's nobody else's business what you do.
I think you do have to decide if you will allow him parental rights before you go ahead (if he says yes) so consulting a lawyer would probably be a wise thing to do. The child, of course would have it's own rights to know and see it's father and that would be a top priority.
I am sure you have thought about all of these issues, so you just have to ask him and see how he would like to proceed with keeping his parental rights or relinquishing them...and of course, with the passing of time, things could change at any time.
So ask, like I said (after discussion) it will either be a yes or a no.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2014):
How you bring it up has largely to do with exactly What it is you are wanting to do. I mean if it is, " I would love to have a child for a gay friend." Then the gay friend is the one who wants to have and raise a family. Then you would be acting as a surrogate mother. There is plenty of legal precedence. You make an offer, if he feels your genetic material is up to snuff, you get a lawyer and work out the details. On the other hand if you are the one who want's to raise a child Then you have to reassure him legally that he will not be liable as that situation usually doesn't work out so well in court. Now it occurs to me that somewhere along the line someone will ask what about the child's rights. That is something that the 2 of you should also think about carefully.
To give you the respect of your age. You have probably thought this out pretty well. You also probably are in a better financial position than the average single mother. You are probably not a victim of an overly loud biological clock. So making those assumptions, the answer to your question, is you bring it up carefully, slowly, and soberly. Make sure he has plenty of time to think about it.
When my brother in law was dying of cancer my sister approached me about being in the will as guardian of their 2 children should she die. Your question reminds me of the serious reflection I went through at that time. I wanted to accept because I cared about my sister but my health and my age left me feeling that I wouldn't be able to meet their wishes. I had to decline. Happily they were understanding. You need to be emotionally prepared to have your suggestion rejected. That's what I'm trying to say. I think having a child in your life is overall a positive thing. I also understand why people decline that opportunity. I was much younger than you when we decided we had enough.
FA
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