A
female
age
30-35,
*ogarixe
writes:(I'll say it now: I'm 17) I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now, and if anyone asks me how our relationship is going, I'll impulsively replay "Amazingly!" or some other word like it. But I know that something's just awkward with us. It's got nothing to do with sex. We're both good catholic kids who have had the concept of abstinence drilled into our heads. Basically I have multiple questions:1: How can I deal with a boyfriend who has no opinion on anything? I can't ask him what he wants to do for a date because the response is always "I don't know" or a shrug of the shoulders. It bothers me and I've talked to him about it, but it seems to be a deeply embedded thing. In a nutshell, I'm looking for cheap, fun things to do on dates. 2: Lately, I've been having dreams where I meet other guys who are absolutely perfect. We just immediately click and towards the end of the dream, I find myself kissing these guys. I wake up with a horrible feeling of guilt in my stomach. It's almost like I'm cheating on my boyfriend, and I don't even want those dreams to happen! Is there any way of making these dreams stop? Or are the natural?3: It would seem that I should realize from those dreams that I am obviously not in love with my boyfriend (insert inward cringe of guilt), but there is a very good reason why I can't break up with him. Before he dated me, he was dating one of my friends. She was a horrible girlfriend. She really didn't love him at all. She just wanted a boyfriend, but he really genuinely loved her, so when she broke up with him (a day before their four-month), he became manically depressed. It wasn't diagnosed depression or anything, but it was just... bad. I had him in a couple classes, and his eyes were absolutely dead all the time. I wasn't interested in him then, but I couldn't help but feel an immense amount of sympathy for him. A couple months later, when he finally got some better friends (like me :D), he wrote a story that he said was based on true events. Later he told me the entire thing was absolutely 100% true. The story was basically a breakdown of everything he felt since they broke up and ended with him putting a knife to his wrist. He didn't actually cut himself, but he was so close. He's told me that what he feels for me is infinitely greater than anything he had with his ex. Basically, if I break up with him, he might be suicidal. I don't want to even think of that. 4: Unfortunately, he's already deluded himself into thinking that sometime or another, we're going to get married. It was the sweetest thing in the world when he told me that he thinks about marrying me everyday, waking up to see my face every morning for the rest of his life. He's completely dead set on that. And from his thoughts on marriage, you can probably tell that's he's completely nuts about me. But, remembering that he may become suicidal if I break up with him, is it worth it to sacrifice your happiness to keep someone you love (potentially) alive? I would really appreciate your thoughts.
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female
reader, Original shiraz!  +, writes (26 July 2009):
1) I would simply say right today i want you to decide, it doesnt have to be fancy just something cheap, cheerful and fun if you still get the shrug make some suggestions e.g. a picnic if this doesnt appeal to him then sey look im happy to go with what you want to do... give him the option something such as a trip to the cinema followed by a glass of wine in a bar just something that will bring the two of you together, at some point hes bound to take action, if you really want to see a side to his opinion then discuss something that interests him, boring as it may be to you youll get a reaction, e.g. work or an argument he feels strongly about. Direct your questions at him making it obvious you seek a solid response. 2) We all have a mr perfect, hes never in our reality but there is no harm in dreaming, it makes us human to want more than what we have i think were all guilty of that so stop punishing yourself for something that is out of your control, a dream is natural and im sure your boyfriend has a few dreams hes not too open about either! It works both ways but its harmless really. 3) dont compare his past to you, everyone has a past they cant control im sure hes learnt from times when he was at his lowest and im almost positive in that when he got as low as he did he made promises to himself that he would never fall that far again. Our past shapes the person we are, some let it rule their future but he sounds stronger and more independant than that. Just because hes been there before does not mean history will repeat itself, if anything hell do all in his power to stop that. Dont stay with him for the wrong reaons, hes never going to apreciate that, dont question yourself so much i think his feelings go deeper than he shows. some people never really recover and it seems his depression could still be present i know its difficult but the more you do to support that the more you will gain from the relationship not only will you become stronger but you will see the real him, the guy you once loved will come flooding back and sahring that with him is worth more than anything. 4) dont believe that never stay with somebody to keep them happy why would he want that? if he loved you as much as he says then im sure he wants you to be happy, dont live your life for another, firstly he wouldnt want you to and secondly he would never put that on you, i dont know a single person who would. The descions we make in life are our own how could we keep that feature that unique quality if we were with the one we 'loved' for all the wrong reasons, realise that. He holds on to the thought of marriage as a sense of security, like you are his posession something he wont let go of, without knowing it in time that feeling that started sweet will sufforcate you and pull you down, you need to break free from the routine youve made for each other. Change is good and its sometimes needed. Show him you and in time show him himself. Ask yourself the question that makes or breaks it all, do you love this man? thats all you need to answer, forget the ifs buts what ifs and maybes. Give an honest answer, listen to yourself for once, do the right thing for you both, if that means walking away then find it within yourself to do that, im sure one day hed thank you. Sorry for the length, ive never written such a thorough answer! i wanted to be honest and balanced, taking advice from an outsider can sometimes wake you up to the truth that was always there, the truth you avoided for so long. I really hope you find yourself your truth and the man you once loved, best of luck
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