A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am happily married to the love of my life - I am 36 years old and hubby is 37 - we have been married for 1 year, and together for 3 years.Hubby really wants kids, but I am not so sure. I love the idea of having a child around the house, but am scared of all the work involved and giving up my freedom and great lifestyle in order to have children.I always thought I would want kids - I am just becoming more and more filled with dread at the thought of being pregnant (the workload, getting fat when I already struggle with my weight, body changes after pregnancy, being constantly worried about my child...etc etc) I know I am being selfish, and I feel I have to justify my view, as everyone is expecting me to have kids. My elderly mum is desperate to be a grandmother, and I almost feel I have to fulfil her one last dream....I think my fear stems from the fact that I saw my parents struggle and work so very hard to give my siblings and I every opportunity in life - my mum in particular gave up her own 'self' to be the best mother possible....I just don't know if I can be that selfless. Or if I will be happy being that selfless.At 36, this is the first time I have been happy in my life, having found happiness in my husband....we have a great, comfortable lifestyle and love our freedom. Anyway, there is a part of me that is so worried that I could regret this decision if I went ahead with it. I just wish I had more time before I have to make up my mind...I know my biological clock is ticking.Is there anyone out there aged 40+ who made the decision not to have kids and then later regretted it?Likewise, is there anyone out there, aged 35+ who had kids in their 30s, but then realised that if they had their time again, they wouldn't have? (Of course, I know we can never regret having any kids that we have)I'm not sure I can devastate my dear mum and hubby by choosing not to try for kids....just can't see another option for me right now.I know that if I did decide to have kids, I would do everything possible to be a great mum and would not let my child suffer - that much I do know.I know my hubby and I have to make this decision together, and on our own....but your experiences will just be of great help to me.I appreciate your views - I am constantly thinking about this every day, so worried in case I make the wrong decision in the long term.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I'm 45 yrs old. Having children was never a priority for me. I thought that if it was meant I'd end up pregnant without trying and that was okay with me. I had concerns in the back of my mind that I could wake up one day when I was no longer able to have children and regret it. I wish I had listened to that concern. I wish I didn't let life just happen, let busyness get in the way, let feeling like not ready, not financially fit, and so many other things get in the way. I regret not having children and probably always will. So if I had it to do over again, I would have children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Thanks for that, Vintage...
I guess I am just trying to overcome my fear...!
I shouldn't analyse things that much.
All the best,
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): I think by the way you are talking, it is really coming down to the fact that you are scared about it all, and that is natural
There are no guarantees in life. I think getting married is a leap of faith as is so many things. No one really knows how things are going to 'work out' but wouldn't life be boring if we knew the outcome of everything
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Thanks for your replies.
Dear Vintage - no, I have not always known. Part of me wants kids and I always thought I would have kids at some stage. I just don't feel ready yet, but I know that at 36, I have to make that decision now - I am terrified of the lifestyle change, but at the same time I don't want to wake up at 45 years old and realised I missed out on something.
To be honest, i think I will go ahead and try in a couple of months' time - yes, I am scared - but maybe everyone is at some point? My problem is I think far too much and analyse everything to death. I guess I feel having a child will mean the loss of a number of things....but I remain unsure as I worry about waiting until it's too late, and then nothing can be done.
Has anyone out there been as afraid as I sound, but still went on to have kids and were very grateful that they chose this path?
Thanks again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Have you always felt like this? Did you talk to your husband about having kids before you got married?
The one that you have got to stop thinking about is having a grandchild for your mother, it is not your job to give her grandchildren. The two important people in this is your and your husband.
It could be that you are scared of the change of lifestyle, that having a child brings. Only you will know how you feel.
Everyone wishes they could know how they feel about decision long term, if we knew that then life would be a lot easier.
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