A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 36 year old man who has never had a girlfriend in my life, not even a 1 week fling with someone, nothing at all. What am I doing wrong? I have tried numerous approaches, people say take them to dinner and stuff like that but I have never even had the oppurtunity to take anyone to dinner. All the female friends I have have all said I'm a great guy but just "not for them" or, it seems, for any of their mates either.I have been told that my personality is fantastic and that I'm witty, intelligent, caring, sympathetic, generous and gentle but yet nobody ever seems to want to get into any sort of relationship with me.And yes, I get that I'm ugly, but even ugly women dont want to date me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): I just mean that not every women thinks the same people are good looking. Some ladies like big muscles, but other prefer thin, some like tall, others prefer shorter. Women don't all like the same things, so just because some women may think you're not attractive, that doesn't mean all of them do. I would say I'm fit, young, and fairly good looking, and you know what I like? Dorky men with large noses and adam's apples, especially with glasses, tall and lanky. Does that sound like your average description of a good-looking guy? No. But if I saw that man walking down the street, I would want to talk to him. My friends might not, but I would. When I said they sometimes go for really good looking assholes, I meant traditional good looks, tall, strong features, fit, perfect teeth, you know like movie-star style. And they are only going out with those guys for their looks, which is why they put up with the asshole part. But that never leads to happiness, and also means she is a shallow loser in my opinion. Also, I've found that the way I perceive a man changes depending on whether I like WHO he is. I've dated guys who I thought were gorgeous when we met, but by the time I got to know them (and realized I didn't like them all that much) they became more and more ugly to me... and the same has happened with guys I wouldn't have even looked at, but after time they were the only man in the room as far as I could tell. I just don't think you should give up looking. Like I said, just keep busy and keep acting and doing things you enjoy and eventually the right lady will notice you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHtsn47, I've tried about £20 different dating sites, all reputable, and the only replies I get are from Russian brides and Cam Whores.
Without a picture up, I get replies from people who seem genuine but as soon as I send them my pics they stop writing and these pics are my best ones I have been told.
Single Guy, Your idea seem to be sensible and logical but it sounds kinda hard to find comfort in pain and solitude!
I'm in a much worse postion than you, I am short, quite tubby, not muscular at all I smoke and drink and I am not succesfull therefore sleeping with a high class escort is totally out of my league, I cant afford those sort of things.
Female reader anon. I have been a central character in 3 amateur dramatic plays, I dont lack confidence. You say that women usually go for good looking a**holes but at the end of your reply you say that every woman has her own idea of what attractive and ugly are. I'm not sure I understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Not to be mean, but it could be that it's obvious you're trying to get someone... I mean, to come off as needy or desperate is a real turn off for women. And, don't listen to the whole be-a-jerk thing. Yeah, some women will respond to that, but they most likely have issues if that's what they want in a man (and again, not to be rude, but usually women only go for a**holes who are very good looking and it's for shallow reasons, not because they like being treated like shit). You have to just put yourself out there, try doing new things, not always with the same friends all the time because you already know there are no prospects for you there. Don't jump at the chance with every woman who pays attention to you, but do ask women out (before you're in the "friend zone"), try online dating like htsn47, take up a new hobby (you could meet someone at a class or the like). Just keep busy and keep confident. Confidence is the sexiest trait any man can have. And every woman has her own idea of what attractive and ugly are, so don't believe you are ugly.
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A
male
reader, Single guy +, writes (23 March 2012):
This sounds a bit lame; but from a perspective of a 28 year old man on the same boat, my story connects yours...
a. i never had a woman. never. i am now successful, i have got a doctoral degree and a fantastic job. No money worries.
b. i am not ugly and fat at all, i am almost 6 foot tall, absolutely hale and hearty, very well-groomed, ripped and muscular, smell nice, dress well and dont smoke. drink socially.
c. i have the same traits as you have- nice, caring, generous, blah blah blah....but that doesn't ring a bell to any women. You need to be a jerk. i felt i was an unlabelled exhibit kept in a jar for woman's disgust.
d. Shag high end escorts. Well, if you can't cook, you need to buy. And when you buy, choose the best ones. i lost my virginity to an escort at 24 and slept with them ever since. You need sex, there are no willing women. So go with the businesswoman. This will keep you primed. Although your moral issues may be different.
e. Preparedness for singled out life. Assemble the preparedness. You know you are close to forty. You know you are not attractive to women. You know there's nothing coming up, so don't be illegally optimistic. You are grounded!! Have the preparedness to keep on going with what life has to offer. Look after yourself and lead a healthy life. Have sex once a month with a high class escort. Find comfort in pain and solitude. Go out for a drink and dinner by yourself, again and again, to a point where you realise you don't want anyone else coming with you. Walk in the rain and let your tears out. No-one will see you crying.
f. Love and respect women. Even though you never had one, nor i, love and admire them. They are like clouds passing through your window. They are going to burst into rain and end the dry spell. Not necessarily yours. But they do contribute.
g. Take greatest care of yourself, and i apologise if i sounded stupid.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 March 2012):
Actually I was going to suggest the same thing. Try to experiment a bit. Try playing harder to get , or dress the part to look rich or more like a player. You just need a way to get introduced into circles.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried to do the nasty guy image and that didnt work either. The thing is, it's not about how I act because lots of women say they like nice generous kind men and some women would go with men like that just to use them but nobody has even gone out with me in an attempt to exploit my kindness and generosity.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47  +, writes (22 March 2012):
I'm sorry, but the advice about being "uncaring and selfish" is just wrong. Ignore it.
I know it's a horrible cliché, but maybe you just need to meet the right person. What are you doing to meet people? I was in a similar situation to you: 36 and not in a relationship since high school, and still a virgin. I created an online profile and decided I would just put myself out there and go on dates with pretty much anyone who would accept. I had many, many dates where I never heard from the woman again. One or two where we went out twice or so and they said it just didn't click. But I got more relaxed and at ease each time, even though it was frustrating.
And then finally there was the one who accepted my marriage proposal and sweetly kissed me on my way out the door to work this morning.
Be authentic, honest, and kind. Be yourself. But be brave, too, and risk getting hurt. Are you asking people out and they are refusing, or are you too shy to ask much? I found that online was much easier for me: I knew they were available and looking, and it was "low risk", ego-wise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Something stands out here "caring, sympathetic, generous and gentle" Well it just may come as a shock to you but women are not attracted to that. You have to be unpredictable, uncaring and selfish. All into one it will make you exciting. They want keeping on their feet. Change your ways otherwise you will be single for the rest of your life.
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