A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 years old and have very rarely dated. I am a brain tumor survivor and had to have all my hormones replaced artificially so I went through puberty late. Of course, I have never had sex, never even been in a romantic situation yet. How do I get started at my late age? I am very interested in meeting a woman, dating and eventually getting married? I feel like at 30 girls will expect me to have all this experience that I don't have yet? Help!!! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Hello,I am in a similar situation...30 and never dated....ever! I have never been kissed either. I was almost kissed twice when I was like real young but it didn't go through. You have a reason for your situation...you went through this tough experience that kinda made it not possible to do "normal" things - but me? I guess it comes down to confidence. I am trying to work on it but how do I get confidence if I don't have the courage to even try new things. I feel pressure too, like at 30 I'm ancient and should be married with kids; Although, from what I see around me it's not all that it's cracked up to be most of the time. You posted in May so I am curious to see if your situation has changed. Hope to hear from you.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (5 May 2009):
Yes, "baby duck" gave some EXCELLENT advice!
I can tell that you want to be as "normal" as possible, but you realize you are different - and you certainly aren't out to attract anybody based on sympathy.
Even if you never get as far as romance, physical intimacy, or sex - you'd still like to experience companionship and emotional intimacy with a woman. That's normal and healthy! The sacred writings of the Hebrews and Christians even state, very early, that people were made to have fulfilling interpersonal relationships. I can NOT say I've been through the same thing you have but I'll make several suggestions. Evaluate them and decide if they're useful to you. I'll warn you now - it will take a little courage and you may experience some discomfort.
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many girls in a monastery, but you don't have to be a touring rock-star to attract women. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes. Or even a mixed athletic team, like bowling, tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process will be easier, and quicker, if one of your guy friends goes with you. Ask him to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of female acquaintances as potential dates or relationships. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around women, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on women in your age group or other "target" category - even men (and women) you know as neighbors, coworkers, customers, etc. have daughters, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Look at couples who have stable, long-term relationships - maybe even couples your parents' age. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question. If you get a few thoughtful answers you'll know more about how people are attracted to each other.
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a GQ-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and they will either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
- Let some mature adults know about your situation. Think of people you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; maybe a teacher; the medical people who helped treat you; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Remember that some will be very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. People who know your personality and temperament, and a little of your personal history, are much better. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (This idea is rather out of fashion in our current culture, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
My true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but one of our kids is almost your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
You may also want to look at the old thread called "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html .
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (4 May 2009):
 Baby Duck, I couldn't have said it better. :)
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female
reader, morgan5885 +, writes (4 May 2009):
make sure you get started with someone who knows your situation and accepts it. They'll be more leaniant and know why you might not know how to act in romantic situations. Have confidence even if you have no idea what you're doing. confidence will make a big impact (in a good way) i dont really know what else would help.sorry i wasn't much helpgood luck :) and i hope you end up happy with whatever you choose to do
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