A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend now for over 3 years. We have always been in a long distance relationship and recently she has moved closer to me for university. For the first month it was fantastic having her so much more close. My girlfriend is a christian and has very strong beliefs and does not drink. After about 6 weeks of being at uni and taking many more visits to see her she suddenly calls me one night to say that she isnt happy with the relationship? I ask why and get no answer. I start to notice that she is going out and drinking which she has never done, I didnt have a problem with this until one night she calls me telling me theres a problem. The next morning I go and visit her and she tells me that she cheated on me. Heartbroken and in shock I think about what has happened and I realise that I still love her so much and forgive her for what she done because she was drunk after all. She is so happy that I forgive her she tells me how much she loves me and how much of an amazing boyfriend I am. I have to go home for the weekend for work and the second I finish I drive right back to see her. I get there and she's a different person, she is so defensive towards me with an unusual attitude, I ask what's wrong and she says that she isnt happy with the relationship again. Weeks pass and she still acts the same towards me, ignoring me when I speak to her and looking on her laptop instead.She then "suggests" that we take a "break". devastated with hearing this I disagree but realise that if it will help her then its something I must do. THE OTHER GUY:During the time since she cheated on me I began to notice a guy in her university being mentioned a lot. I noticed things like drawings he had made for her in her book and pics of them in class together online. I told her that he likes her bu she disagreed obviously. As time went on his name popped up more. One day her facebook isnt working and she asks whats wrong with it, I check for her and I click on her inbox and there is messages from the guy saying " i love you" over and over. She hadnt sent any back, I asked what was going on and she said that he does like her but she doesnt like him. As well as this she told me that he had also asked her out. He also knew that my girlfriend was in a long-term relationship but still done this. This made me so angry yet so upset that someone would be that low to try and get with a girl even though she was with somebody. THE BREAK:The "break" still went ahead, my girlfriend even called up the guy while I was there to tell them that we are on a break and that she didnt want to be in a relationship. Doing this break was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Trying to resist holding someone you love's hand or hugging them is the hardest thing in the world to do. I kept my distance as much as I could because I knew it would be worth it and would make our relationship stronger! Christmas time, my girlfriend is going on a night out, right before I go to sleep I pray that she gets home safley and nothing happens to her. 3:00am my phone rings, my girlfriend is crying her eyes out telling me that she has lost the phone I bought her. She is calling on the guys phone. Drunk and crying her eyes out she tells me that some people she knows where calling her a Slag. She said it was because she was next to that guy throughout the night. The guy takes the phone off her and starts asking me why I hate him, I told that he's messed up so much in my relationship at the moment getting involved. Being the idiot I am i actually say im sorry to him and ask him that he makes sure that my girlfriend gets home safley. PICTURES:A few days later after trying to get her a phone I go online to see images of that guy with his hands all over my girlfriend kissing her on the cheeks. Never being so upset in my life I was just about to leave her forever. But having time to think I decide that I still her love her so much. she calls me up and tells me that it was an Xmas night out and she was drunk. I decided to forgive her...again.BACK TO HERSELF AGAIN:She recently went back home to see her family and I went to visit too. I get there and shes the old girl I fell in love with again, shes so happy and so nice. It felt like everything that she was going through was just a phase, the drinking, the attitude, everything. She tells me that shes so confused with this new life she has and she does love me and does want to be with me and doesnt want anything to do with that guy and doesnt even like him. She also added that we are not back as a couple yet but she will be soon. After weeks of upset and heartbreak this was the best thing I had heard in a long time and made me so happy. She also said she isnt going to drink as much any more. I have been so happy knowing that she still wants to be with me and that it is just a phase. I took her home the other day, I went back to my home myself and since the day I went home for the last 4 days in a row she has been out drunk every single night.Last night I get a phone call at 5:30 in the morning from her, drunk. She tells me that she is confused about what to do with her life and me. I ask if that guy has anything to do with it still, she says yes. The happiness I had vanished. She told me that she wants to be with me still but not just yet.Am I being the most stupid person on the planet still wanting to be with after everything she has done to me?Will that phase go away or has it came right back now shes home?I am a good person, I dont drink and I dont smoke, I went to university and passed and I work too.I have never been with anyone else while being with her or even before I met her. She really is my one and only and means the world to me.I have so much respect for her and her beliefs about sex before marriage which I have also stuck to because I love her so much.Do I continue to try and stick by her? It's not just the relationship I am worried about its her saftey while she is drunk! Already someone has taken advantage of her while she was drunk and she has also had a very expensive phone stolen too.one part of me gets so upset and never wants to see her again because of the pain she has given me, yet the other part doesnt ever want to leave her and believes that we can get past all this and move on!What shall I do?
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a break, cheated on me, christian, drunk, facebook, fell in love, heartbroken, I love you, kissing, long distance, move on, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): it seems like you love her very much. you sound exactly like my boyfriend and we are having long distance as well, he sacrificed alot for me, just like you and your girlfriend. as a girl with experience i would definately advice you not to be mr.nice anymore and let her know what it is like to be without you leave her, test her and see how much she loves you. thats what my boyfriend did to me and now i appreciate him much more than before. i hope i helped.
A
female
reader, TheRabbit  +, writes (15 January 2009):
 I'm sorry to say that she is going to be in this "phase" for a while. And I'm speaking from personal experience. It took me about 3 years to figure out what I wanted and still looking and for the first year and half my boyfriend at the time caught the full brunt of it finally deciding he wasn't the one for me after 2 and a half years.
Now, maybe she won't take as long, but it's better to assume she's going to take as much time as SHE needs. She will make mistakes, Many of them, and most of them without you, maybe to spite you.
Best thing for you relationship, is to let her alone. You are the major tie to her life before this phase at the university and she probably needs to sever that tie before she feels that she is completely available to realize what she wants.
My recommendation, tell her that she NEEDS to be on her own a while. Let her know about her concerns as a friend would, not as boyfriend or in a way that a parent may say it, just short and sweet. She will call you over the weeks (or months), in desperation, for attention, whatever, try to not feed into them, be her friend not her boyfriend.
Let her find a more consistent and stable lifestyle, this is the most important thing for her, because her phase is about her, NOT you, it just happens that you are the one getting hurt in all of this. Best thing is for you is to try and move on. Cause she has a lot more on her mind than trying to make a relationship work.
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A
female
reader, loveonly71606 +, writes (15 January 2009):
To be honest with you. You sound like you are the "Bounce Back To Buddy. She always has you to fall back on. I am a 26 year old female. I have been in a relationship with someone that is 10 years older than me and we have a daughter together. Now before that, the relationship I was in, my so called man acted like that. Point blank... You are being used. Take some time for youself and realize that you have the right to make decisions. Don't bring yourself down. Plus, it doesn't matter who you are. A person should know themself and can avoid the actions that take place, or don't get drunk.
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