A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so this is my story…been married 14 years, have two boys aged 12 and a daughter from wife’s previous relationship aged 20. I thought everything was fine and loved my wife until a couple of months ago, and I am now so confused.I met a girl 2 years younger than me and we have absolutely hit it off. She is also in a relationship (ironically with a friend of mine) but has only been with him for a few months. We spend all day texting and messaging each other, she is the first thing I think of when I get up and the last thing I think of before going to bed. I am so bowled over by the feelings I have for this girl, and can safely say I never had the same feelings when I was courting my wife. I have been for 2 midnight walks with the ‘new’ girl and felt like a lovestruck teenager (I’m in my forties) – I must stress that we have done nothing at all, the odd cuddle at Christmas in the pub and last night we held hands for a little while but that is the absolute extent of anything physical between us.The strength of my feelings has made me examine my relationship with my wife, it would be so much easier to make any decision if we rowed etc but we don’t, we get on fine, but there is no spark there. We have the same argument once every 6 months i.e. I don’t spend enough time with her, and she’s right, my life is come in from work, go on computer, eventually sit down for tea with her, watch an hours tv, then bed…but the thing is, and God I know how horrible this sounds, but I don’t want to spend time with her. Something struck a chord with me the other day, a friend was asked if his wife would let him stay out till 3am, and he replied yes she would, but he wouldn’t want to – that really hit me, because I am out till 2, 3 sometimes at local pub and doesn’t bother me at all, but I do think if I was with this ‘new’ girl then I would think no way would I want to be out till that time, I would want to be with her!When my wife suggests we do things together i.e. days away etc I never want to go, I always try and find an excuse either to not go, or to make sure the kids come along. The wife said to me not too long ago that I prefer the pub and my mates to spending time with her, I denied it but you know what, she’s right. So I just figured ok, that’s just the sort of guy I am, but then this new women enters my life andI honestly wouldn’t care if I never saw my mates again, I am so completely in love with her.Its all a whirlwind as well though, jees 3 months ago I hadn’t looked at another women in 14 years, now all of a sudden we are planning on leaving our respective partners for each other – crazy?The sex, well its ok when we do it! We have never really been a one for having much and we can go for 5-6-7 weeks with nothing, but then have a rampant 5 consecutive days, then back to a drought.I suppose most answers will be try again with the wife, but I do that, every 6 months we try to go out together etc but its just not doing it for me. I know the wife is miserable as well but we do love each other, however, its more brother and sister than husband and wife.Then there are the practicalities of it all, I adore my kids and don’t know if I could go without seeing them every day, I will also be moving from a nice 3 bedroom houe to a small one bedroom flat. I have all nice things here, big tv’s, ice furniture, hifi etc etc, she has a tiny portable in her flat because she is in a poorly paid job, but I think Im willing to give all that I have up to be with her…I think when this is read back 100% people will think I am stupid, but Im hoping someone may have gone through something similar and can offer any advice?
View related questions:
christmas, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): please stop being so selfish coasting in your marriage while neglecting your poor wife and making her miserable and then now you've found someone else suddenly you want to abandon your family.?
you need to grow up, are you sure you're over 40? stop acting like a teenager. life isn't about what you want. if you didn't want this life you shouldn't have married your wife and had kids with her in the first place. Life's about commitment and doing the right thing and not betraying the people who love you and have stood by you. sheesh
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): to male anon whose wife cheated but now you have a wonderful marriage: I'm really impressed, and I have to admit a bit skeptical....I mean, you say your wife essentially wanted to leave you, and then you were frustrated with her to the breaking point. I question you, why didn't you leave at that time? What made you continue to stay and torture yourself? Didn't you think that to stay with someone who has cheated and wanted to leave you, meant having no self respect? sorry I don't mean to be rude, I just want to know how you could feel OK even trying to work it out. I have been cheated on too, he actually was seriously considering leaving me for his mistress, so I beat him to it and I left because I felt that to stay and even try to work it out would compromise my dignity.
Do you have no fears at all that this will ever happen again? Do you have 100% trust in her now?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): I've been there, struggled with my marriage, my wife had an affair and left me essentially (for all intents and purposes we may as well have not been living in the same house), I almost left her years later when I was frustrated with her to a maximum level. Complicating things, lots of women find me very attractive and I earn a lot of money and have a very stable job and lifestyle, which means that moving on financially would be easy, but I don't cheat.Yet there were a number of reasons we were together to begin with that could not be denied. That was the thing that kept me thinking and going and not cheating.I chose to work on my marriage, year after year, and we finally made a breakthrough. I've got the marriage and the relationship that is the envy of most people that I know, and plenty of people that I don't know.Yeah, women can be hot when they want you, but if you fail with one, and move on after years and family, you usually end up with someone else you don't quite get it with either. Yeah, it can be hard when a younger woman who is hot shoves herself at you and in not so many words says "want it, it's yours".Yet, affairs are just that, affairs, and they aren't "real life together".Counseling helped us, but it took more than one, and it took months and months of counseling to really figure it out (a couple of years actually). Expensive, emotionally as well as financially, and difficult as Hell some days it was. But, the truth is I loved her.I don't count the cost today. We have the most successful marriage on either side of our families for a couple of generations (and there were a lot of marriages and failed marriages piled up there...in fact there is only one other that didn't end in divorce or estrangement). I'm not bragging, I feel grateful every day when I wake up and see her, and I'm grateful to have had the help and the endurance.If you ever loved her, if you love your kids, then work on the marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I too am struggling with a similar dilemma. Been married 15 years, two kids. We have had years of a friendly marriage. No spark, no romance, very little sex, just roommates. We don't do things together. I work and make very good money. He stays home. I have felt like a single parent for years and remained numb. We fought horribly in the early years until we both medicated with anti-depressants which ending the fighting, but I think it killed our marriage and spark for each other while keeping us peaceful with each other. Several months ago I began to feel even lonelier and decided to think about taking charge of my life (I'm 42). I've never been tempted to stray in 18 years. But I am no longer in love with him. I care about him and he is my friend. But I very much want to be able to be with someone whom I have more in common with. Because I have spent all of my time on kids and work, I knew I needed to find "me". So i started exercising and doing positive things for me. Really getting a picture of where I want my life to be. I would suggest that for you. Try to think rationally (which is hard) because I too met someone (6wks ago) that I am very interested in. But it's not probable that the lady you are infatated with (nor the fellow I'm interested in) will be the next "love of our life". I think they are catalyst or springboards to that next phase of our lives. My guy is single and we are trying to not start anything prior to my divorce filing. I've seen lawyers and my husband is accepting that we are probably thru, and actually talked of moving out this morning. He doesn't know about my friend and I don't want to hurt him more. It's killing me not to see my friend more and go past just the flirting stage, but I know I have to... I don't want to end up paying alimony. But this is REALITY - I'm not in love with him.. I'm infatuated. I've just accepted that we may have a fling or a short relationship. I will be single and alone, but I am taking control of my life. You need to ask yourself... if your girlfriend doesn't work out... are you OK with being alone? this is outside of the guilt over your kids (that's a given) I know this is the probably the most selfish thing I've ever done in my entire life. But I have to tell myself that I am doing this for ME... not to be with some particular guy I barely know. Hope this helps. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I'm sorry but from your post you sound very selfish. you're treating your wife like crap. You stay out til 2 or 3 in the morning at the pub, you give excuses to avoid spending time with her, you sneak around behind her back to be with the other woman. You take advantage of your wife's acceptance of your staying out late at night and her trust (she thinks you're at the pub!) to be with this other woman who is herself in a relationship with your friend. So you're stabbing your own friend in the back by sleeping with his girlfriend/wife. How can you justify any of this?
You never bothered to think about your marriage seriously until you want to be with someone else then you're ready to jump ship and have no qualms about stabbing your friend and your wife in their backs. This is simply appalling.
Your selfishness is summarized in your last sentence : "I think Im willing to give all that I have up to be with her…"
You're only thinking about what you yourself have to gain or lose by your choices, how you will be affected, what you will be giving up, what the risks and rewards are to yourself and yourself only. You talk about going from a nice big house to a small flat. about missing seeing your children. about how happy you want to feel.
No where do you show any concern for how your wife and kids will be affected by your actions and choices. This is highly disturbing. You talk of your family as if they are just another possession that you are deciding whether or not to give up. Like your nice big house.
How is this possible??
I suppose since you're obviously treating your wife like crap, you should do her a favor and divorce her. she doesn't deserve to be married to someone who treats her so poorly. But at least have the decency to come clean with her and be honest with her about everything, that you've been cheating on her with this other woman that you're now going to leave her for. then you have to explain it to your kids too. and then be prepared for the custody battle to get nasty. Oh and be prepared to lose your friend too, the one you're stabbing in the back by sleeping with his girlfriend/wife.
And if you leave your wife but your new girlfriend somehow backs out and doesn't leave your friend, don't even think of going crawling back to your wife.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I am in a very similar position. I have been married for 15 years and the marriage has gone stale - we are worse than you as for the past few years we have had separate social lives, I work alot etc, so that we rarely interacted at all.
I recently changed job and started to get some attention from a woman ten years younger then me who worked in the new office - it made me feel alive again and I realised how unhappy I was in my marriage. I told my wife I did not love her anymore and wanted a separation. During this time I flirted with the new woman at work, we exchanged several texts every night, went to the gym together etc. Nothing sexual happened. I the meantime me and the wife started going to counselling to see if we could sort out our marriage as there are some deep rooted problems - she knows nothing of the woman at work.
Last weekend there was a works party and I went with high hopes of taking this new relationship further. We all had far too much to drink. The new woman started flirting with someone else and by the end of the night was completely ignoring me as she wanted to be with this new man - I haven't felt so gutted in years. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling as though my heart had been ripped out.
I have now cooled things - no texts at all this week between us.
The moral of this tale is that I was probably lucky in that I found out I was being used before I had really ruined my marriage - and I was probably on the rebound from an unhappy marriage and flattered by the attentions of a younger woman!
My advice is go to counselling and sort your marriage out - if you do separate then at least you will have tried - and you will then be free to pursue whoever you want.
I am finding the whole situation exhausting at the moment as I try to resolve the issues in the marriage and deal with my feelings for this other woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): "When my wife suggests we do things together i.e. days away etc I never want to go, I always try and find an excuse either to not go, or to make sure the kids come along."
You have really twisted and loathsome feelings toward your wife. And obviously she has no clue you feel this way about her or she wouldn't still be wanting to spend time with you. This is so horrible, you're hiding your true feelings from her and deceiving her. You're misrepresenting yourself to your wife.
something is terribly wrong if the feelings are so one-sided in this marriage. She wants to do stuff with you and be with you, in fact she desires to get closer to you, while you want nothing whatsoever to do with her. And she doesn't know you feel this way about her.
How did it get to be this way??
no wonder you feel so strongly about the other woman, it's because you hate your wife.
but what are you going to do about it?
Your options:
1. Work on your marriage, find out why you loathe your wife so much and see if you two can do anything to replace it with loving feelings. Give her a chance to redeem herself in your eyes. If necessary change yourself to elicit different behavior from her that will make you feel better about her. If you just can't stop feeling so negatively about her then divorce is valid. But you need to sort this out with her because it involves her. why are you keeping your true feelings hidden from her? that's really unfair.
2. Leave her and be with the other woman. But realize this may become a let down too. Being in an affair is very different from being married to that person. Also realize that running off with another woman will have way more lasting negative impacts on your wife and kids than if you had divorced your wife long ago when you were unhappy but without anyone else to run off with yet. Realize that if you divorced without running off with someone else but just to be away from your wife, your kids may be upset but won't see you as betraying their mother. They would just see it as their parents can't get along. But if you divorce your wife and run off with a new woman, your kids will see you as betraying their mother. And most likely this is how your wife will see it to, as will everyone else you know. They will not see it as a marriage ending because you two are unhappy with each other. Instead everyone will see it as your marriage ending because you are a traitor. Do you want this label on you for the rest of your life? Furthermore, if you run off with this other woman, your kids will hate her. Your wife will turn them against your new woman, calling her a home-wrecker. Do you seriously see yourself being able to live a happy life if your kids hate your current partner? You know how much drama this will be?
3. Continue to stay married and cheat on her as you already have. Don't do this any longer, you've already been doing it for 3 months. You're right to want to pick a side to be on.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (24 February 2011):
You've only known this new woman for 3 months, that's no basis on which to know if she is what you think she really is and if it's really worth leaving your wife and the life you have built with her.
For some people, leaving the marriage and being with someone new is the right thing. For others it's the wrong thing. How to decide which is right for you requires a deeper level of introspection and more honesty (with yourself and with your spouse) than what you're doing right now. So I think you're not in a good position to make a decision to leave. If you're going to leave - since leaving would turn other people's lives upside down not just yours - you should do it for sound reasons and know 100% that leaving is the right thing for you to do and there absolutely cannot be any other way for you to live.
But I don't think you can say that right now. What you feel for the new woman is simply infatuation. When you're infatuated, your brain is filled with the chemical dopamine which makes you feel "high", that's what makes the in-love feeling so intense and amazing. But infatuation usually wears off after several months and becomes more reality based. Then, this new woman may not seem so appealing any more.
Some times people are in what I call "dead end marriages" - this is where people are married maybe for a long time but the marriage is pretty crappy, yet it's not SO unbearable that you HAVE to leave for your own safety or sanity (as would be the case with abusive marriages). With "dead end marriages", the spouses may not like each other very much but find ways to cope with being married to each other like living their own separate lives, like in your case going to the pub to escape your wife or find other reasons to avoid spending time with her.
Being in a "dead end marriage" is both do-able but also unhappy. So when you become infatuated with someone new, now you're faced with the dilemma of wanting a real relationship that is emotionally rewarding, yet you're already tied down to someone else and people will question well if your marriage was so bad how come you're still in it, it must not be that bad, therefore you need to be loyal and stay in it. You did take wedding VOWS after all. How easily are your vows to be broken?
Maybe this is true in your case, or maybe it's not. But I think it's far too early to tell if it's true for your situation.
From your post it sounds like you haven't done much introspection. You need to really think and mediate on what you want from your life, your marriage, and why your marriage isn't what you want, how lightly or solemnly you take your wedding vows, why this justifies breaking your vows only now and not say years ago, and whether you are willing to work on your marriage to make it what you want, or to forever forfeit what you want in the name of loyalty and commitment and what impact that will have on your emotional health, or if you want to tear down the life you have built with your wife and start anew and what impact that will have on your wife and family.
You also need to involve your wife in these discussions!! If you're seriously thinking about leaving her, she needs to know! Of course there's no rule that says you MUST "consult" with her and get her approval to divorce, but since you took vows with her it would be pretty rude and disrespectful to not give her any reason or give her a chance to protect and defend her right to not have her life turned upside down. she has a stake in the marriage since her life is built around it (as is yours), so you need to talk to her if you're seriously disenchanted to the point of wanting to leave her, that's just the decent thing to do. She's also the other parent of your kids, and if you left the marriage your kids' lives will also be turned upside down. This is not to say they won't be OK, but the point is that if you're seriously thinking of pulling the rug out from under her feet and that of your kids, she has the right to have some say in this before hand since it's not just you in the marriage but her as well.
I don't think you've done nearly enough soul searching and examination to make a decision to leave yet. No one says you HAVE to go through a lot of soul searching, but seeing as how you're thinking of turning other people's lives upside down, I think you owe it to them to do a lot more thinking and to know for sure that leaving the marriage is what you absolutely MUST do. And since you've only known this woman 3 months, infatuation hasn't worn off yet so you're not anywhere close to approaching this with a clear head.
Also your post indicates self contradictions that show you haven't done much thinking. for example first you write, "it would be so much easier to make any decision if we rowed etc but we don’t, we get on fine, but there is no spark there."...yet later you write, "I know the wife is miserable as well but we do love each other"...so which is it? you get along fine, or you are both miserable?
Then you also write, "its more brother and sister than husband and wife."...but even if this were so, apparently you were perfectly fine with living this way up until 3 months ago. Your wife hadn't done anything "wrong" because you were OK being with her all this while. So, is it fair to your wife now to suddenly change your mind when she herself hasn't done anything different?
The question is: if your marriage was so terrible, why didn't you leave a long time ago? You must have felt it wasn't OK to leave the marriage back then even if you were unhappy. So why is it OK to leave the marriage now?
don't get me wrong, you can certainly leave your wife if you want to. If you REALLY can't stand being with her, then leaving is probably going to be better for you and her. BUT if the marriage was so bad, why hadn't you already left? Clearly it wasn't so bad then. So to now leave your wife just because you're infatuated with a new woman, whereas up til now you were fine being with your wife, warts and all, is being disloyal and uncommitted. It's not a crime to leave her, but it would be a pretty crappy thing to do to her and to your kids.
Your reasons for NOT leaving her for the new woman: "I adore my kids and don’t know if I could go without seeing them every day, I will also be moving from a nice 3 bedroom houe to a small one bedroom flat." These are pretty selfish reasons. You are not concerned with the impact of a divorce on your children's mental health. Instead you are concerned that YOU won't get to see them every day, for your own benefit. And furthermore your desires to stay with your wife are linked to not giving up material possessions.
I'm not saying that you should stay with your wife, or that you should leave her. I'm just saying that right now you're not thinking clearly nor deeply, you're thinking only superficially. Don't make any decisions now - since your decision will turn other people's lives upside down not just yours. Instead, talk to your wife about your unhappiness with the marriage. Don't do anything more with the new woman until you've sorted out things with your wife first, one way or the other, however long that will take.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Read again the post from the woman 'who was the wife you speak of'. I think you need to understand that nothing arrives on a plate - it takes a lot of effort to keep a relationship going. Instead of giving this 'new' woman your energy how about looking around you at the family you are supposed to care about and live a wholesome life? If you leave your wife SHE will find a better life with someone who is able to offer her the fun, happiness and love she deserves. You risk being on your own when your fantasy bubble bursts. Think very carefully.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Well said Kilcardy. Poster, you should listen closely to him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Sometimes there is no way to mend a marriage but in your case I don't think you are even trying. Letting this new woman influence your decision is the wrong thing to do. I've been married 22 years and like everyone else we have had our ups and downs. For your kids sake please think this through before you make any rash decisions. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): From what you have written here, I have to say, you are SELFISH!
You dont want to spend time with your wife, you make excuses not to be with her, you spend spare time on the computer or watching TV...
You are not putting anything into your marriage, you are just bleeding it dry. You think is is going to be all roses with the new woman? And after a while when life starts getting busy again, what are you going to do? Run off and find another fling.
Grow some balls and talk to your wife, you need to consider your wife here and the children, not your carnal needs.
The only part of you thinking at the moment is your penis - how would you feel if you found out your wife had another man?????
IMHO you are having a mid-life crisis and the people who are going to feel the effects of your selfish behaviour are your wife and kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hi. I cant offer advice because i WAS the wife you speak of. My ex husband was very similar to you. I cooked for him, cleaned, managed the house and brought up our children. While waiting for him to show some signs that he still loved me. His routine was work, computer, dinner and sleep. He didnt want to go out with me. Barely talked to me in the end. I knew he wasnt happy with me anymore, though he didnt have the courage to say so. He spent as little time with me as possible. He met someone and i knew, even though he was trying to keep it a secret. His behaviour made it obvious. I put up with it for a while but it just made me even unhappier. Because despite everything, i hadnt stopped loving him.
I decided to release him and save him having to hide the truth and pretend anymore. I ended the marriage so he could be with the woman he loved, not the woman he felt duty bound to be with. It was hard but i survived. I kept the house. I lost weight, discovered new joy in life, met a very yummy guy 14 years my junior and finally found true love. That was 5 years ago and we are still happy and going strong. As for my ex. I think he still keeps in touch with the woman he crushed on. He lives in the next road to me in a small flat. We invite him to our family Christmas lunches because we dont like to think of him being alone at Christmas. He cuts a sad figure these days but i will never regret ending the marriage. It was the best thing i ever did.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (24 February 2011):
I think you're making a massive mistake, the consequences of which you will suffer from for the remainder of your life if you don't get it together and fast.
You have a woman at home who loves you and is the mother of your two boys. She apparently has been making an effort to make the marriage work. You, on the other hand, have apparently done absolutely nothing to make this marriage work. Yet, like a spoilt child you whine about how unfulfilled you are in the marriage! I've got news for you: any relationship, especially marriage, takes work, commitment, initiative, creativity and determination. You don't seem to have employed any of these to your marriage. No wonder you're infatuated with some other woman. You're a lazy guy relationship wise. You want all the fun without any of the work. You're like a little boy staying away from school in the pubs all night because he doesn't want to go home and be a man and work on his marriage. Grow up!
Well, lookee here, I've got my crystal ball out. Here is what is going to happen if you don't pull your head out of your ass. You're going to eventually kill any feeling your wife currently has for you. You will wreck your marriage. At the same time, you will be off canoodling with the OW (who is cheating on her bf with you). During this period you are going to be higher than a kite. But, what goes up must come down. And when the bloom is off the rose on your infatuation with this woman you are going to hit ground and shatter into a million pieces. When the drudgery of daily life hits the two of you, what will you do then? Go back to hiding in the pub to get away from her? Or maybe she'll step out on you with some other younger guy to keep her "high" going. After all, she has no qualms about playing around behind someone's back (nor do you, apparently). Then consider the possibility that while your life is turning into a train wreck, some other man will come into your wife's life. A good man. A real man who knows how to really please a woman and works at getting that done. Think about that: another man sleeping with your wife and raising your two boys -- and you're all alone and more miserable than you ever thought you could be.
That is how these scenarios play out in real life every single day. You're not in love with this other woman. You're infatuated like some teenager with his first girlfriend. It's an escape mechanism. Your infatuation (and hers), however, will "vanish away like your daddy's best jeans, denim blue fading up to the sky" to quote Cat Stevens.
You have issues my friend. Whatever they are, running away is not going to solve them. In fact, you are going to drag the same issues you have in your current marriage into this relationship with this other woman. So, why not stick with the woman who really loves you, work on your issues, be there for your kids, save your sanity, and have a sane, safe, and happy life? I hope that is what you do and wish you good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hold on just a second. You've been married, with your wife, for a very long time, and you have sons together. A few weeks ago, you met another woman - and all of a sudden you're thinking not only of cheating on your loyal wife, but of actually leaving her AND your kids to start a new life...
You're not looking at this situation clearly, and you know you're not. The trouble is, right now you're swept up in a tidal wave of feelings so strong that it's reducing you to the giddy state of a lovestruck teenager. I'm not judging you - and I understand your dilemma. This new woman seems to offer you everything you don't have at home - excitement, freedom, passion, a new life where you feel alive instead of stuck in a rut.
However, you've known this woman for no time at all - and you haven't really spent any meaningful time with her. It's easy to make someone feel great when it's all moonlight and roses - but such things do not a relationship make! You know what true love really is? Someone who holds your hair out of your face when you're vomiting with food poisoning! Someone who will be there, through thick and thin, by your side, being supportive - even when it's not glamorous. I think you're not so much in love as limerant. I suggest googling the word - it means that you're 'in love with the idea of being in love' rather than actually in love. And that's a far more intoxicating, and far more dangerous, feeling than any affair.
I'm not denying that your marriage is dull and run-of-the-mill. But have you really given it a chance to be anything else? Have you really tried to make things better with your wife, to reinject a sense of passion and fun and commitment into your lives together? When was the last time you surprised your wife by doing something she didn't expect? When was the last time you made her feel special? Have you stopped and thought for a second that she might be every bit as bored and frustrated as you - and maybe with more reason, if she's the one stuck at home looking after the kids while you're in the pub. Yet she's sticking loyally by you.
The truth of relationships is that they require work, exactly the same as a career or anything else does. The less you put in, the less you'll get out. By the sounds of things, you've been inputting next to nothing on the emotional side - yet you're expecting everything to be rosy. That really is naive of you. If you spent the time and energy you're spending courting this other woman romancing the wife who has been by your side for well over a decade, you might find the picture was very different. It sounds as though the pair of you need some counselling to help you deal with the resentment and frustration that has built up.
I would advise you seriously to stop for a second and think about what you're doing. I think there's every reason to think that if you do follow through with the plan to leave your wife, you'll find yourself every bit as bored with this new woman in a very short time. On top of that, you'll have the guilt of dealing with the feelings of your children, and of having ruined your marriage. At least give what you have a chance before you selfishly throw it all away for a non-existent dream.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Im really surprised by the answers so far, I assumed everyone would say I am being stupid and throwing 14 yrs of marriage away for a crazy 3 mnth lovestruck relationship !
Thanks you for relying, given me much food for thought...
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 "I thought everything was fine and loved my wife until a couple of months ago"Until a couple of months ago, you say you had a boring marriage, where you would try to go out together "every 6 months" - and you thought THAT was fine? Let me tell you my opinion about this other woman, most of all she is a pretext to escape this marriage that just doesn't do it for you. We don't know if your marriage has a good potential which just hasn't been managed properly, since you don't seem to have been putting much effort into it. Sometimes when things go bad for so long as 14 years, it's hard to think you can mend the pieces together and actually make a difference.You say you are almost like brother and sister, that sounds terribly awful and a good reason, I say, to leave the marriage and go in the pursuit of happiness, it can be a short-lived and teenagerly happiness, but at least it might help you see something else for a difference and maybe you could also seize the opportunity to learn a bit more about yourself and your wants. "When my wife suggests we do things together i.e. days away etc I never want to go, I always try and find an excuse either to not go, or to make sure the kids come along."Let her go, mate, she needs to find someone else who appreciates her, and doesn't say hooray in the morning when the alarm rings and you're happy to go to work and not have to spend time with the wife. It sounds it is one of the those cases. She seems to be one with initiatives, but when it doesn't work, you just have to admit it, before you waste any more of each other's time. Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hi,
I dunno if i can help but i have been in the same position as you current wife would be. My first husband carried on behind my back, he gave me the brother and sister line which i never understood.
You say you try every 6 months to re-kindle the relationship..... If this is the case, please talk to your wife do not do what i had done to me and cheat, raise up and talk to her and maybe see if a bit of time apart will help. How about a 'seperation' period in which you can reflect and assess how you feel? This i think does have to be on your own though.
You do sound to be in a routine relationship which can take it's toll on the kids in itself. The children are at an age to understand that this is no-one fault! You love them and are not leaving them, you will always be their dad! You can't stay in a relationship for the sake of children as i think it leads to many more problems.
How do you know your wife doesn't feel the same? I really do think you guys need to sit and chat and assess the marriage, what you both want and where it's heading.
I really hope this helps, and please keep cupid informed :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I hate to say it..well actually, no I don't. You're being selfish. So my first piece of advice is: grow up. You're married with two biological sons. TEENAGE sons. This is the age where they are the most vulnerable and need a strong male role model to emulate. It is selfish to put your needs in front of your sons. You may not enjoy time with your wife, but what about them? Second: affairs generally produce a spark because they are forbidden and new. Living with this woman could be no different than living with your wife after everything is said and done. You're a father and a husband. You have priorities. Grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (24 February 2011):
 i really feel you marriag is a drag. i feel the same way as you right now. yeah do what you feel in your heart. talk with your wifey and settle everything out. i dont believe in breaking a marriage,but when it comes to a point where no one is happy its time.!
...............................
|
