A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would love some views on my relationship situation. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over a year. We are both late thirties/easrly forties, both divorced, and I have two children. He is very loving and affectionate when we are together, which is alternate weekends due to work and distance between us. We do speak evryday on the phone and sometimes he comes up in between- ( i do feel he could do this more often tho as we are only an hour apart). There is lots of chemistry and we laugh alot together. We have been on holiday together ( with the kids which went really well) and have another planned just the two of us. This all probably sounds perfect, but he hasnt said he loves me and we never talk about the future seriously . He has joked about me making space for his stuff in my house, but makes it clear he's joking. I usually joke back but have also replied that he might want to ( move in ) one day- to which i got no reply.Im not in a hurry for him to move in but would like to know its on the cards some day, but mainly my issue is with the lack of 'I love you' as it scares me that I am loving this man and giving him my time and hopes when im not sure he wants/feels the same. He knows I love him and has admitted its not fair on me if he doesnt want the same and said he'd think about what he wants. Since then he hasnt said anything but has referred to our relationship 'moving forward' and he at last got a toothbrush for me at his place and booked the second holiday together. When talking about a friend of mine he admitted her ex-guy was a b**ard if he went back to seeing her knowing she loves him but he doesnt feel the same. so I hope he wouldnt mess me about , but i do start to get scared especially when we are apart for 2 weeks when my doubts/fear creep in and I lose confidence in how he feels.How long do i wait for him to say the 3 words? Should i bring it up again? ( First time i brought it up was 7 months into the relationship and he said he needed time as he had been badly hurt before). Any suggestions, assurances , opinions??
View related questions:
confidence, divorce, her ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): Hi Hun.
Very good advice from AskOldersister. Sorry hun, if he "has admitted its not fair on you if he doesnt want the same and said he'd think about what he wants"..why are you still there? I honestly do think he just likes the convenience of having you hang around without having to commit to something more solid with you. So you need to get strong and stop with the fear of having this guy finally, tell you what you don't want to hear. He knows you love him but he's not willing to provide that back to you. You can hint, you can suggest and approach this topic in a roundabout way, till the cows come home. But look what it's doing to you. Self-doubts and hurt. It's causing you to think that he may be taking advantage of your feelings for him. And he is. Stop doing this to yourself. Both of you are mature, grown up adults. You are two people who have been in long term relationships (marriages) and you both know all about love and committment. He is using the baggage of past pain, as an excuse. That very thing should have been worked through before you and he began dating.
You both have been dating over one year...that's a good length of time to build a good solid relationship...and you are not wrong to want a more definitive picture of where this relationship is headed. Now, a good quality relationship should allow you to be your authentic self, you can open up and communicate freely with each other. If he can't give you some type of definition about this relationship, now at the 'over a year' mark..how much longer are you prepared to wait? Two, three, or five years, always getting the same unclear answers?
And then decide what you need to do. I say walk away and heal yourself. The reason I say that is because if have to already approached the topic of love and a future with him and he's not responding. You want to do it again but you fear doing it, so intuitively, you already know the answer. I guess, I am trying to say here..I just think if your partner wanted to make things permanent, if he wanted to say, 'I love you'----truthfully..you would not need to ask.
Good luck and take care of yourself, hun xx
A
female
reader, teenamaria +, writes (5 October 2008):
i am in the same position here, and although i do not no the answer, i do no how you feel, its like a lack of commitment, and your life is on hold, as you cannot see the future with him, although at times you can if that makes sense, with two children you have already been in a commited relationship and that is why i feel, that when that relationship ends and you head in to another one, you expect the same,as before and with two children it is more of a prioty to you, like i said, i do not no the answer only no how you feel, i suppose you need to sit him down and ask what he wants for the future, and where you come into those plans, and if its not what you want to hear, then you have to either except it or and this is the hardest thing walk away
...............................
|
