A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone tell me what being in a relationship is like? Asking for a friend...Lol joking aside, 26M. Virgin. Kiss-less. Holding Hands-Less. Date-less. Getting a girl's number-less. It's hard to deal with.I guess the main problem is I've always been shy and anxious. It's hard to think of any challenge in life that I haven't found completely daunting. And sadly talking to women is near the very top of that list. Talking to anyone really. I just always have this tendency to create awkward atmospheres wherever I socialise. I get so nervous I mumble and stutter my way through conversations making zero sense most of the time and I can tell it's so off-putting for most people. It's really frustrating because I'd literally love nothing more than to have a girlfriend and fall in love. I'm not even just looking to lose my virginity, but just to have the opportunity meet a girl and enjoy a deep, meaningful relationship is what I strive for most. Yet every day I'm edging ever closer towards to the big 3-0 and getting nowhere.The only time I've ever gotten close to getting a girl's number was this one time about 7 years ago when I was at University. I was out clubbing with my flatmates and with a little bit of Dutch courage to assist me, got chatting to this beautiful girl. She was honestly stunning. I'll never forget how gorgeous her smile was. For once I actually managed to hold a decent conversation and she seemed really interested in me but as if the God's were conspiring against me some idiot then set the fire alarm off on purpose and everyone had to evacuate the club. Just as I was about to ask for her number as we stood amongst a huge crowd of people outside her friend grabbed her arm and dragged her away from me. I never saw her again. I couldn't track her down even though she was also a student at the same university. I even resorted to Facebook stalking just to try and find her but to no avail. The thing is, to most people this wouldn't even be worth remembering or talking about like I am now, but for me it just felt like such a big deal and something I've never forgotten, probably because like I said it's the furthest I've ever gotten with a girl and it’s also one of the few times I actually came across quite well. And I can't for the life of me remember what I did differently that night to actually make her interested in sitting and having a conversation with me.But that’s as good as it’s ever gotten in my romantic life. I thought getting older and wiser and having life experiences would help me grow and become more confident so I could get better at socialising but if anything I’ve gotten worse. I'm still cripplingly shy. I tried online dating but only chatted to a handful of women and each time the conversation just fizzled out. Believe it or not I match with loads of girls on Tinder but none respond to any of my chat requests. It just made the whole app seem pointless. I mean did they all just swipe right on my profile by accident? I don't get it. Spending copious amounts of time on my own during Lockdown made me realise I needed to push myself and get out there in the big wide world and try to meet women face-to-face. When restrictions were lifted I bought almost a whole new wardrobe, got a new hairstyle and properly made an effort to make myself look as attractive as possible. I felt really hopeful and motivated. But I've gotten absolutely nowhere. I don't act like a creep and approach a girl going all guns blazing and telling them I think they're fit or anything like that. Correct me if I'm wrong but instead I look for subtle hints like eye contact or a smile before I approach and just be friendly at first. And this is in all kinds of different places like bars, the gym, coffee shops etc. It's been about 3 months now and no word of a lie not one girl has given me the time of day. I'd say about half of them don't even make eye contact with me but there have quite a lot who did and I am proud that I've managed push myself to approach about 30 different women who did give me subtle welcoming hints, but I got the brush off straightaway with all of them. And this is just acting polite and friendly without making any romantic intentions obvious. A simple 'Hi, how are you?' or 'I saw you sat on your own and just wondered if you'd like some company?' always goes down like a lead balloon. Am I just getting it completely wrong? Even a friendly conversation would be nice but I can't even get that far. I realise I must sound completely and utterly desperate but the truth is I am and I'm fed up of trying to be patient.
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (8 August 2021):
 First let me say, keep away from the online stuff. A lot of people are flitting about, being players, not really looking for meaninful relationships and more like looking to see how popular they can become. Have you thought of joining a gym. My son who was very similar to you in nature was quite shy and quiet and skinny, until he started going to the gym. He gained so much confidence and found a good job with a nice group of people who all socialized together and is now in a long term relationship. Im not really saying get yourself off to the gym moreso any activity, hobby, interest where likeminded people gather, making friends,developing a social circle first then that will improve your social skills and confidence to go out in to the world and be interesting. Hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2021): Sorry dude, I've been there, I would not wish what you are going through on anyone. I'll try my best to give my own thoughts on this and give my story on how I dealt with it, since I was in the exact same boat until a few months before my 26th birthday.
For me it was crippling social anxiety which would have started around my early teens. I would liken it to being a prisoner inside your own head, the words are there but there is a gripping fear of saying anything for fear of the repercussion. Outside my closest friends, I was described in groups as monosyllabic and by others with complete shock if I said anything. I was at a point where I assumed nobody wanted anything to do with me so I never even tried. Your own situation sounds eerily similar and I managed to break out of the cycle of self doubt, if I can do it you can too. What I would say though and wish I had done it when I was 15 is go see a therapist, you might get to the bottom of the problem faster. In saying that I did not see a therapist but could have done with one.
At around 23/24 I decided I needed to improve myself, the big catalyst for me was getting a 'real' job, once I felt I was on firm footing I felt more confident in general. I started exploring youtube for how to chat to women, (NB: I got dangerously close to mgtow and red pill stuff, avoid like the plague!!!) how to dress better, how to spruce myself up, just how to present myself, simple stuff that I was oblivious to really.
This might seem cliched, but if you don't, start exercising, the positive endorphins are worth it, and just start thinking more positively and confidently, mantras actually do help, I myself was a bitter person and I had to purge myself of any and all bitter thoughts that were weighing me down.
The next thing was to set up an online dating account. I managed to get my first ever date on that, I won't lie, this took me a long while, but the great thing about it is once it's set up you are committed to talking to someone for a couple hours. I ended up going on a few dates with that girl, yes, hand holding, and first kiss and first date all struck off the record. However, I got seriously hung up on that girl, like yourself with the girl you nearly got the number off. The truth is, likely that conversation you had with that girl was one of 100s she had had with guys in clubs. Do not get hung up on anyone!! At least try not to :)
That first experience was enough to peel back a lot of layers of fear that I'd had before and I was a lot more comfortable speaking to women after.
Soon after this I hooked up with a girl in a club. I wouldn't be one to go out often but on occasions that I did I had started getting my dutch courage levels up enough to chat to random girls in clubs. The problem with this is, a lot of them don't want to be bothered, I can't explain it but girls who may be interested in hooking up throw out a certain vibe, and 'Hi, How are things' has often led to a good conversation too(please don't do the would you like company thing, that sounds a bit odd even reading it, cliche, but women like assertive, if not outright obnoxious), but I have been told I am a good looking guy on a fair few occasions so maybe that helps but you have got to just keep at it and eventually it will come good.
In saying all this, I am not actually in a relationship yet for various reasons so I cannot answer your overarching question. I, like you, used to believe in some sort of loose concept of 'love'. But when you start actually dating women and have had a few hook ups behind you, the fantasy evaporates.
I had a few hook ups, which I regret now. They are hopelessly meaningless and I don't understand why people partake of them, while it got me out of a funk and served a purpose, that is all, and I will not be doing it again or have anything to do with anyone who thinks they are 'fun' or treats them as a hobby.
One last note which may be important, I would have been a steady porn user. Now it's different for others, but quitting that s*** was one of the best things I ever did!! Your ability to attract a woman when you are buck full of testosterone is quite incredible really, it's like they know you really want them, because you really really do :)
Hope some of that helps and it wasn't all waffle. Best of Luck! Just improvement by small steps and it takes time!! Don't worry about the 3-0, I used to say if I was a virgin by 30 I would just get a prostitute, knowing what I know now that would have been an incredible mistake!
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