A
male
age
30-35,
*akehipster
writes:SO...I have this master plan to come out, but I haven't made it very far through it yet... And by that, I mean that I haven't done anything at all. Lately, though, this has been weighing on me. I need to tell you a little bit more about myself for this to make sense.I am 25, I live in the southeast United States in one of the larger (not Atlanta or Charlotte) cities that is probably one of the more accepting places I could live, but nowhere near someplace like NYC or San Francisco. I occasionally see gay couples out and about in my town, but it's definitely not frequent and when I see them it's a bit of a shock (even to me). I grew up in a Christian home, went to Christian schools all of my life, including college, and had a job where I worked with many Christians on a daily basis. In that job I would have (not could have) been fired if I had come out. Thankfully I am no longer in that position and I am much happier at my new company where I have at least one out coworker. I myself have decided that I am an agnostic. I feel like this is partially because of the hypocrisy that I see in the church and in the people around me that claim to be Christians. It is also, though, because I decided as an adult that I needed to decide for myself what my beliefs are, not base them on the brainwashing I received as a child. All of that being said, though, I still mostly live my life like a Christian would. Partially because that was how I was raised, and it's hard to break values instilled in you since birth, but also because I feel like I am a decent human being.Throughout high school and college I struggled with my sexuality. I came to "accept" myself as not straight around 16. I still haven't put a hard label like "gay" on myself because that feels very final, and I feel like sexuality is more fluid than that. However, on a scale of 6 (lol), I'm definitely like a 5.75. I was in love with one of my best friends for years. He was very flirtatious with me, but never would get too close. We cuddled, laying in bed together just enjoying being with each other, but never kissed. Frequently. That's the kind of relationship that we had. I found out years later that he also must have been going through something similar at the time because he is now out as gay, has had a boyfriend, and is living his life. I, on the other hand, am not...Here's where we arrive at my current state: 25, single, a virgin, and in the closet... not living my best life. It's starting to wear on me heavily. I'm "feeling my age" (lol, older guys feel free to kick my ass for that one :D). I feel like I've missed out on so much of my life at this point. If I started dating TODAY, started having the experiences like my first kiss, first relationship, and losing my virginity, I'd be 10 years late... That really bothers me. My inability to get out of my comfort zone has caused me to miss out on SO many opportunities over the years. Take my friend from high school, for example. Had I grown a pair when I was 17, we probably could have had a relationship. I know things aren't that easy, but I can't help thinking about all of the choices that I have made and how they've led me here.I'm also in a weird spot with where I want my life to go professionally. Like I stated earlier in this post, I am finally in a job where I enjoy what I'm doing, work with people I care about and enjoy being around, and don't have to worry about being outed. This was a HUGE step for me. I was stuck in my previous position for years. I started working there when I was in college and it continued into this past spring, more than two years after graduation. All that being said, I still don't truly feel happy in what I do. I have a ridiculous dream for my life. Broadway. Or at least professional stage acting. I was in every play in high school. I had major roles, minor roles, singing and non singing roles. I loved it. I miss it. Writing this is making me tear up. I recently took a trip to New York and saw a couple of shows while I was there. Being in that audience, picturing myself on that stage... It's too much. I was emotionally wrecked afterward. I still am. I just don't ever see myself getting there. I haven't acted in over 6 years, I have a low voice, which isn't exactly conducive to major male roles, and I'm a bit overweight. I know these all sound like excuses, which I know they are, but they have caused me to fall into a funk that I can't get out of.So here's where I need motivation guys. How do I make myself step out of my comfort zone? In my personal/love life and my professional life I'm sitting in a hole that I dug for myself and I refuse to climb out, even though the ladder is right in front of me. I may never be on broadway, but there's always community theater. I may never be with my best friend who, being honest, I still have major feelings for, but I could meet someone better. I know it in my head, I just need to feel it in my heart. What do you guys do for motivation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): You may have to realise that you are shaping your memories in a way that causes you conflict and this causes you to demean yourself as an afterthought.
If you think of your first cuddling encounter with another boy you both knew at that point that you were gay!
He accepted that and moved on.
You continued to deny it and have never been able to fully acknowledge it.
You could have written: my first gay experience involved cuddling but not sex and adjusted your time-line accordingly.
You don't have to justify it.
Its not illegal!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): I carefully looked through your post; and I know that the reason it's so long. You were avoiding faulting your greatest obstacle. YOU!
You hinted at your insecurity; but I can tell you're so sensitive about your weight that you couldn't come right-out and be candid about your feelings about it. Giving your life's history, but not getting to your real point. YOU!
When I read a long post, I search for hidden clues; because often the OP is being evasive, or dancing around the point.
Here it is:
" I have a low voice, which isn't exactly conducive to major male roles, and I'm a bit overweight."
Gay people don't feel plump, chubby, stocky, or beefy. Gay people feel "fat!" So what other people think becomes a life's burden! All your dreams are contingent on your appearance. Something you can actually work and improve on.
Never-mind all that hidden untapped talent going to waste!
That's what drama and acting classes are for. To teach you how to project, make a presence on-stage, and become a character in a role. To control and create emotion; while connecting with an audience. It's not you on stage or in-front of a camera when you're performing or acting; it's a character! An artist!
Your dream is to be in theater or acting; but your insecurity falls on your body-image and being able to be more outspoken, to enunciate, and to inflect your voice. The heart of a performer is there; but stifled by your insecurity about your appearance. Judging from your post, a lot of drama is certainly there too! Oodles of it!
You never tried to date after your friend grew-up and went on; and you're sitting frozen in-time with your motor running. At 25, it's time to put some energy behind your goals. Not sit there feeling sorry for yourself and making wishes. Nobody can push you, you have to self-motivate! Sometimes there's nobody there to encourage you, but YOU!
You need to get yourself to a gym and workout. Go to your doctor and see if there are any health-issues first; just to make sure everything is okay. Work on your eating habits and get-away from sugar, pity-snacking, binging, and get-out into the fresh-air, walk, and exercise.
Get into some acting classes and try-out for some small parts in Atlanta. If you're in the southeast, you can't be that far from Georgia. Parts don't always require male actors to be buff; but it depends on the type of parts you want to play. Build-up your confidence. What happened since high school and college? Weight-gain from pining-away for your friend? Self-loathing and hating God? Disowning Him and denying His existence? Why is He so mean particularly to you? Maybe you should ask Him!
You've shied-away from dating; and here you are at 25 with no dating experience. Like so many gay-men; you fall for your best-friend, and you never outgrow that crush. While that best-friend moves-on with his life. If the guy can't be familiar and in close-proximity; you're not going out of your way to pursue anybody. Well, my friend, they don't come knocking at your door; if they don't even know you exist. Think of the guys you'd meet in drama/acting classes!
Aspire to be like your favorite popular actors; but don't compare yourself to them. That's where you'll start putting yourself down; and feeling you could never get to where they are. They worked odd-jobs, took tiny parts, did ridiculous commercials, starved, some were homeless, and struggled until they reached their dream. Not everyone will be, or wants to be, a major film star; but you could make it in theater. That's the problem with so many young people; they don't like starting small and working their way up to their dreams. If they can't make it big quickly, they just don't bother. Or, find a million excuses to not even try!
Your weight? Seriously?!!
You know gay-men are fussy about appearance. You don't have to be gorgeous; just well-maintained and have some fashion-sense. Sloppy and unkempt just doesn't cut-it. Women don't like that in men either!
Winners see themselves getting wherever the want to be. It's their vision that drives them. If you want it bad enough; you'll do whatever it takes to get there. It starts with believing in yourself. No one can tell you what you can't do; only you know what you can and cannot do! You keep testing yourself; until you find-out what your gifts and talents are!
As for that stuff about how you're agnostic and whatnot. God had nothing to do with how you feel about your Christian upbringing. He didn't make you gain weight. You simply didn't like your "religious-parents" style of parenting; or their staunch judgy godless church! The phony racist stifling Bible-belt of the south; has gone so far from God, it's no wonder people fall-away. Yet God gets blamed; because people are intolerant and self-righteous! Give Him a break! He's really great when you get to know Him! He'll forgive anything!
I'm gay too; but one thing I've learned as I grew-up with my faith; is knowing what is of/from God, and what is man's fault!
Why does God get blamed for everything? People are terrible; because they're not real. They just say they're Christians! If you really paid any attention to what He taught, you would see there's a big difference between "religion" that tells you what's wrong with you; and Jesus, who tells you how much He loves us. People turn it into hating gays; and cherry-picking sins. Like you get a pass for all the other sins!!! Leaving-out the part about loving, but not judging others.
So young-people raised in "so-called" strict Christian homes were really raised in "religious" loveless homes; that don't know a thing about God, or what Jesus taught. They're mean old hypocrites; and drive people away from God, not to Him!
Make a plan, set your goals, and follow your dreams! I'll pray that God blesses you anyway! Everyone gives-up on God, but He won't give-up on you! We can pretend He's not there; but He's still watching, with infinite time on His hands!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 October 2018):
 How do you change your life? How do you eat an elephant? Two completely different questions but with the same answer: one small piece at a time. If you look at ALL you are unhappy with and ALL you want to change, it is little wonder you feel overwhelmed. Break it down into small manageable pieces and work on each piece at a time. For instance, start by joining your local amateur dramatic group, or join a gym and make a resolution to go 3 times a week. Once you start to feel a little better in one area of your life, the others won't seem as daunting.
I would also advise you to NEVER EVER compare yourself to others. Everyone lives their life at their own pace. You are a late starter. So what? You can't change anything about your past but you CAN start to change your future.
Regarding your values, most religions have similar values, the prime one being something along the lines of "love thy neighbour as thyself". Like you, I think there is a lot of hypocrisy in some religions and some of the nicest and kindest people I know have no religions affiliations whatsoever. You KNOW what is right and wrong, so live your life accordingly. As long as your conscience is clear, that is all that matters.
Do you still have contact with your friend? Could you talk to him and ask him for advice and help?
Your life is just starting (I wish I was 25!). Decide where you want to be in 5 years' time and start making plans to get there, one step at a time. It is not going to happen overnight.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 October 2018):
 The whole virgin thing, from a gals POV it think is pretty cool. Nothing wrong with it, it is what it is. Breath of fresh air actually. You actually come off as rather grounded in who you are. Just you cant see that. By golly my friend 25 is not over the hill by a long shot. Why so glum? My friend was a computer whiz bang sort of guy for many of his professional years. At 35 turned his back and became an actor. Started out taking classes, got some small gigs then small parts in TV roles. He ain't no Brad Pitt either. He just took a leap of faith and continues to work in the industry directing and heavily involved in film festivals. So what if you are fat, skinny, short, tall, beautiful or just like most of us average. Acting roles, as you know, are made up of all walks of life and personalities. Be your own Patrick Swayze and don't put yourself in the corner- Get out there, find a love, find yourself and follow your dreams.
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