A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out I'm pregnant to my boyfriend of 7 months, and I'm heartbroken that he has told me if I want this baby I will have to do it alone as he doesn't want children. I have been naive in terms of contraception, having been told when I was 18 that I suffer from PCOS, and have irregular periods that when I became ill through sickness a few months ago, I didn't take my pill for the week I was ill due to vomiting near enough everyday, so I messed up. I accept total blame and I should have made sure I was 100% safe before I had sex with my boyfriend without protection.I didn't even think I could be pregnant so I have put off doing a test until my boyfriend pretty much demanding that I stopped thinking about it and just do it. I ended up taking four tests before I believed it.Almost straight away, my boyfriend was angry and asked me if I had set all this up. We had a huge fight and I didn't speak to him for a few days, and then he text me telling me that if I was planning on having 'the thing' then we were over. When things calmed down and we actually spoke to each other face to face yesterday, he explained that he just never wanted kids and thought I had things under control. He doesn't want to end things but if I want to have our baby then it just wouldn't work.I'm 21. I work a full time minimum wage job, I live in a spare room at my Aunt and Uncles and he only works part time and lives at home. He is 20. I know I wouldn't have a lot to give my child but I have already accepted that I want to do this, but not on my own. I feel responsible for this happening, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend. It seems unfair that a miracle happens and I lose someone who I also consider a miracle to me. I know he will sound like a horrible person but he isn't. He has loads of friends, well like in our area and is always helping people out whenever he can. He helped me out when I needed it, and he has always treated me right until now.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Well if he does not want to be a parent that's fine. He still is the biological father to this child and as such will be required by law to support his child to the best of his ability.
I understand why you did what you did. PCOS (many of my friends have it) has rendered most of my gfs infertile.
Does NOT excuse your mistake OR HIS. it takes two to make a baby.
thankfully you can carry the baby to term and raise the baby alone.
but do you really really want to be a single parent with no help and limited funds?
where will you live? will your aunt and uncle tolerate a baby? how will you support yourself and your child?
sadly I think you are either going to have to accept that you are own your own with the baby at least for a while or think about giving the baby up to a home where there are two loving parents and income to support said child.
IF you opt to keep the baby...get your ducks in a row now. enlist the help of family. Make sure you get good prenatal care. Make sure that bio-dad knows he will be expected to have his name on the birth certificate (and a DNA test to prove paternity) and that you will have to file to get him to pay support payments for his child. (not sure how it works where you are but here the state would garnish a percentage of his wages to pay the mother of the child to help care for the child)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): i wrote earlier about my story , you can do anything u want if u put ur mind to it yes u didnt choose and set out to be a single parent and from i read it u have given him a chance but wouldnt u rather be an independant woman who doesnt need a man to rely on including being a being a single parent is he really worth keeping in ur life . look how hes treated you so far , whos to say hes going to change if u abort the child , i have pcos and no way did i look at abortion as an option a child is a blessing theres lots of people who cant have them for whatever reason and would give more than their right arm to be able to be pregnant , look at everything in a positive way if u see anything negative look at it different to see it in a positive way , does his family know ur pregnant ? if he doesnt tell them maybe u shud but let him know u plan on doing this just say to him if he chooses not to be in the childs life then thats up to him but his family need to be told theres a baby (grandchild /neice/nephew ) on the way and u are not denying him or his family the chance to bond with the baby . i have been in ur shoes i know exactly what u are going through and maybe reading about what other people have gone through will help u and show u theres always a way
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 A man who is old enough to engage in sex is certainly old enough to know where babies come from. And if said man is prepared to let his girlfriend prevent a pregnancy BY HERSELF, he certainly has no cause to complain when she decides, BY HERSELF, to continue one. OP, you're still at the very early stage and you still have nine months to go. After the shock wears off he may be quite ashamed of his behaviour and come around by then (though I would never forget what he did). Or maybe he'll take an interest some time down the road. Make whatever preparations you can and save your money. Try not to stress the rest. You have family, you have income, you have options. Don't try to solve it all at once. Things will work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): You've accepted you want the baby and refuse to accept that he doesn't. This should not be an arbitrary decision, this is up to the both of you to decide. You are denying him his right to decide. He was a willing participant too and I don't think it is fair that you would go ahead with committing to such a life changing decision when he has told you repeatedly that this is not something he wants. And if you choose to go ahead with this you have to be prepared for him not being there for you. He has already told you how he feels. I am a woman, Im pro girls, yet I am a firm believer that men should have a say too when it comes to pregnancy. It should be a MUTUAL decision, not a arbitrary one. You are being unreasonable.
You guys are not married, you barely have money, you both live with older family members, don't even have a place of your own. On top of having all these odds stacked against you, your partner does not want this baby.
How many more signs do you need to realize this is a bad idea? At the very least acknowledge his feelings and come to an agreement on what you two need to do to remediate this situation in the best way possible, with the most minimal damage to everybody involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): As soon as i read ur story i had to reply i was in the same position as u i was 23 i lived at home with my parents and had a minimum pay job (it was £3.50 an hour then ) my boyfriend who was 8 years older than me decided to "disapear" i couldnt get hold of him he moved out from where i knew he lived and even his relative i worked with helped him move yet didnt say anything to me . Eventually i got hold of him and asked what does he want if he doesnt want me then thats fine but what about the baby and his attitude was what about it i dont want anything to do with it it doesnt exist. (he previously had said he wanted kids with me ) i continued with the pregnancy as soon as my baby was born i contacted csa (child support agency) and they arranged to take money from his wage to help support the baby , if he didnt want kids then he should be taking precautions instead of telling me he wanted kids and we would try for them. Forward 2 years id saved enough money with help from family to be able to move into my own place . 13 years after becoming pregnant i have my own home my own business (made it easier to fit in with my child) i took any job when my child was little ,mainly cleaning , work places now have to be flexible to parents with young children. my child is thriving in school and i wouldnt change a thing my ex and his family have never contacted me or made any effort reguarding my child but hes happy he knows the basic that his "dad" didnt want to be around but that hasnt stopped him achiving what he wants ive seen so much determination from him it makes me very proud. your baby will know u were there for it from day 1 , just dont bad mouth ur ex to it when they start asking questions the child will make their own decisions about him and will have a patch of hate for him not being around but will love u totally for being there and respect u more for not slagging off its "dad". i didnt close the door to my ex or his family seeing my child but after nearly 14 years not one of them have made any effort but as u see from my story it didnt stop me and my child get to where we are now . if u need other help u can contact citizens advice theyll be able to tell u about all the help u can get like maternity pay wether is from ur work place or government, housing benefit , income support ,child benefit, child tax . good luck .
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 First up, it takes two people to procreate, and if he was so adamant about not wanting children he would have taken steps to ensure he never had them, as a minimum he would have been using condoms and if he was 100% sure in his decision he would have had a vasectomy before having sex with anybody.
You do NOT have to take 100% of the responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. I want you to remind yourself of that every time you start to beat yourself up, half the responsibility belongs, and always will, to the other prospective parent.
Regardless of any decision you make about your pregnancy I hope you do not take this irresponsible, immature boy back into your life as a partner, he is not worth it.
You have some very tough decisions to make. Is the Aunt you live with supportive, can you talk to her about this, or do you have a friend or other relative to help?
You have basically three choices, none of them is the right choice and none of them are wrong, but you need to make the best decision for YOU, and no matter what you chose you will live with that decision for the rest of your life.
You can be a single mum, which will be tough, especially as you are already in a low paying job living in a rented room. If you decide to go down this path things to consider first would be where would I live and how will I support us. It is not impossible for you to strive and succeed beyond your wildest dreams (think about the Harry Potter author) but it will take a lot of hard work and even more just plain good luck.
You could go full term and have the baby adopted ..... or
you could have a termination and work on bringing some improvements to your lot, better job, some savings in the bank, a plan to get your own home, before you make the decision to be a parent.
I can't make the decision for you ....... but I strongly urge you to see a social worker or counselor before you do make a decision. There may be one attached to your local women's hospital or health centre. Failing all else phone a crisis help line.
The decision is yours to make, but you can ask responsible people for advise, and dont be manipulated into doing something you dont want by your irresponsible, soon to be I hope, EX, boyfriend.
Good luck! I hope it works out for you.
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