A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a little sad as I write this and would appreciate this question is posted. I am new to online dating. A guy from the dating site started talking to me. I wasn't interested in him but after a few days of talking. We exchanged numbers, did skype and got on really well till we had our first fight five day after because he is not interested in marriage. He would be committed, have kids but no marriage.I took all in good faith because of all the over 2000 men that have contacted me after one month on the site, my interest has not waned in this guy. He became distant and I was always the one keeping the conversation alive except when it was something he found interesting like cars and motorcycles. We planned to meet but he never said when and I am not asking so as not to push. I hate this feeling that I have because I know it's too soon to have such deep interests in a person I've never met. We don't talk as much anymore and I was forced to ask him if he is still interested in me and he said "yes, very much". He could be lieing because I've really put myself out there to him.I feel burdened that I am giving this man undiluted attention and he isn't. I don't want to block him because I could be throwing something very beautiful away since he hasn't said he isn't interested. I have expressed my emotions to him regularly and I'm not an emotional person. He always has the excuse of work. I find this surprising because he used to talk a lot before. I don't even know if he is real anymore. He is 40 and I am 23. Should I wait a few days or months before asking again because I don't want to miss the opportunity of meeting another great guy since I already have all my interested vested in him. It's killing me. He keeps telling me he would soon return to chatting with me and he is so busy with work. I don't know what to ask and when to ask so I don't seem immature and pushy. Without contact, I am literally withering away.I am saying all this because it's been long I had this beautiful and genuine feeling about a man. I rarely do like people and we connected on so many levels except the marriage part which I am willing to compromise because I am not hell bent on it as long as he is mine alone. I am ready to cut him off once he says he isn't interested but he said he is. Please help. What do I do?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 June 2017):
 I'm struggling to see the sense behind this one also.
You weren't interested in him, he doesn't have the same life goals as you and he pretty much ignores you unless you talk about something he's interested in.
What exactly are you getting out of this?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2017): When a man likes you, he'll make sure he doesn't let you go, he'll invest time and energy on you, which can be termed as stalkerish if you're not interested in him, but in this regard you have amounted sweet feelings for this dude.
This guy did seem interested but only in the beginning, now he doesn't even bother and makes lame ass excuses and is dangling you from his self inflated ego attachment issues. I get the feeling he wants revenge, he's enjoying making you feel piney and lost and dejected. NASTY MAN! On the other hand though, marriage isn't for everybody and you would be wise to except that. But still, I think he's playing screw head games with you, sounds like It to me!
Let It go.
he's wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2017):
 I get that you feel like fi you block him you might miss out. The thing is, miss out on what exactly? He doesn't HAVE the same goals as you. You seem to want marriage AND kids - he doesn't... well, MAYBE kids but not marriage.
Is marriage important to you? Is it a dealbreaker? Because it's not likely that he will change his mind so that means YOU will be doing the compromising in that instance.
I think you feel like you have something invested in him and honestly? Other than time... you don't.
And the second thing is the "scarcity" scenario you are playing in your head. It gives you "tunnel vision" where this guy is the ONLY man yo can find, so let's settle for him. That out of ALL the men out there... you can't find another good one - which I disagree with. TOTALLY.
You are in the PRIME of your life - quite literally. The tome of your life where you have the MOST options to choose from when it comes to partners. BUT you have to set some standards for WHAT you want or you will get a bag of cats rather than a long-term partner.
Someone who is "too busy" with work to talk to you or spend time with or even MEET up with you IS NOT interested in YOU. He is interested in stringing you along in case he isn't finding what he REALLY is looking for. He is 40. What DO you two really have in common? How much do you know about him (that isn't something HE has told you?) Do you by now know where he lives, his full name? Does he have kids, how does he get along with his mom, his family, friends, etc? Have you tried to google his e-mail or username and see if anything popped up?
A SINGLE guy at 40 looking for young women in their 20's are not LOOKING for an equal.
And the whole "bending over backward" is not going to get you what you want. You WANT to meet up, yet are too afraid of being "pushy" if you tell him it's now or never. You want him to invest more time in you but you don't say so because "UH it might scare him away..." Get what I mean? You are pussyfooting around so that you seem like a "good girl" and obedient girl who doesn't rock the boat. I mean what was the point of having a fight over marriage after talking for 5 days if you just drop you initial standard of wanting marriage out of fear that if you stick to your guns he will NOT like you...
MEAN what you say and SAY what you mean.
If you do 90% of the "work" in keeping in contact then DIAL it down to 10%. GIVE what you get. If he doesn't contact you then REALLY how interested is he?
I say keep looking and STOP making a guy you HAVEN'T even met in person a PRIORITY in your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 He said he is interested , but he is not showing it through his actions, and actions speak louder than words.
Sounds like a waste of time, if you ask me. First of all, he does not want to get married , and you do. Ok, marriage is not something you are rabid about, it is something you could do without for the right person... and the right person, in your mind, would be someone whom you can't convince to meet you and who is stringing you along and keeping you in a limbo ? ..
Don't biy so meekly the " I am busy with work " excuse . He might be very busy, but since there are CEOs and E.R. doctors and policemen and a lot of other very busy by definition people who happily date and mate... this means that when there is a will there's a way and that people MAKE time for what really interests them.
Or, if we want to accept that he is really so busy busy busy- well, then what is he doing on a dating site ? wasting everybody's time ? Relationships, or just dating, hey even casual encounters ! require time and availability. Not necessarily a lot of free hours, because people do not need to spend all week together- but at least flexibility, willingness to adapt, and to make plans and commit your time. Like " Ok, this weekend I am working, and the next too I will be working, but the third weekend I 'll surely keep it open for you also if there's an interesting ball game that I could see or a buddy I could have drinks with ". When people are oh so busy busy busy- and so vague about when they'll be less busy- it generally means that they want to go on living their life as singles, and if by any chance at some point there's a random , spur of the moment empty couple of hours or so- they don't mind to squeeze you in and get laid.
Not the best you can get at 23, and not what you had in mind if you are thinking in terms of marriage / serious, stable relationship.
He did not say he is not interested .... Look, this is a dating site,- not everybody, in fact a minority, goes there with a clear purpose in mind. Lots of people want to kill some time, throw a few baits and see who bites, have a look and see what happens. It's more like a hobby or a passtime, than like a serious search for one's soulmate or life partner. He is neither interested, nor not interested ; i.e. he is interested ( after all he's 40 and you are 23, that would be enough to pique his interest ! ) ... as long as he does not have to put any effort or make any conscious choice in order to forward your relationship. If it happens, it happens, otherwise he is not sweating it . Plus , of course, you won't be the only one he is in touch with, and maybe now he is seeing how other things pan out, and keeping you on the back burner , or as a plan B or C. He would be stupid to come out and tell you : I am not that bothered, but , you are cute too, and if it does not work with Joan, or Mary, - in a pinch you'll do too.
I am not even saying that this is a bad guy or wants to be mean to you, just that this is how the game is played, most of times, on dating sites. You can play but you have to know the rules, and fill in the blanks with your imagination when the rules aren't explicitely spelled out.
This does not means that you never can find love, or at least a nice guy, on dating sites, in fact in time more and more people get to meet this way, so obviuosly it can also work. But if it works,... it does not start with this lukewarm attitude and evident runaround that this man is giving you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2017): Honestly I don't understand this question you say straight away that you ' weren't interested' in this guy so why are you now chasing after this?
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