A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi really hope someone can give me some good advice I have been with my boyfriend 2 years we have a 7 month old son it is a happy relationship lately he has mentioned moving in together which would be nice but we were talking last night and he mentioned in conversation about how he doesn't want to move in I asked him about it and he said he didn't mean it like that how else could he have meant it he said he didn't want to move in? we carried on talking and he said he feels like he has to move in and its the right thing to do im not sure about him moving in now though after he admitted he doesn't really want to any advice what I should do about this thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): If I do the math, you got pregnant 5months-ish into the relationship. I'm guessing the baby wasn't planned. That means your relationship is being driven not only by desire for commitment, but also by 'duty' to give your child a stable home. From this point of view I'd say if it wasn't for the child, he might not choose to move in just yet. Which is normal for most young people ; to date but not necessarily move in so quickly. But your circumstances are different. I'd say don't bring it up. Don't pressure him. If he wants to, he will bring it up and make it happen. I'd say get a job or develop skills for a job if you are not yet financially independent. He is your boyfriend and the father of your child ; two distinct roles. Although he will always be the father of your child, he may or may not 'settle down' with you. You live as a single parent so make sure you can provide whatever happens with your boyfriend.As for your boyfriend. There's not much you can do. You don't want tp force him.My mum got pregnant and my dad married her out of duty. But he's always resented her for it and treated her like crap. They divorced when I was a teen and the relief I felt was immense. I'd had enough of their fights and the tension borne out of 'marriage of duty'If he truly wants to be with you, he will initiate it. Do not guilt trip him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): I think the underlying message is, he's not ready to commit to that level just yet.
Having children before any relationship has reached a certain level of commitment, often leaves too much up in the air. He may want to be a father; but he doesn't want to be a husband. Moving-in is what's expected of him; but not necessarily what he wants to do. He's getting cold-feet as most unwed-dad's do. The fear is what you're expecting from him if he does.
Moving-in represents stability and responsibility. It also limits his freedom. Living together is more demanding of his time and presence. He is required to co-parent, help pay the bills, and do practically everything a husband/father should do, to maintain a family.
He's scared that you are going to keep him behind four walls, and domesticate him. He won't come right out and say it; but he doesn't want what you want. He likes being able to come and go as he pleases, feel his freedom, and independence. Least of all, he doesn't want you getting ideas that he plans to marry you. Whether you will admit it has crossed your mind or not, it will sooner or later. My guess is, it's your plan. If he doesn't want to move in, you're not on the same page.
The majority of unwed-fathers do want and love their kids. They don't necessarily want to marry their mothers. A child out of wedlock is most often born incidentally, unexpectedly, unintentionally; or he wanted to prove his ability to spawn offspring. Not necessarily accept the responsibilities and commitment that comes with it. The most popular reason there are unwed fathers is, the pregnancy was unplanned; and the responsibility is forced upon him. Like it, or not. That's one way some women think they'll keep him in their lives, if they see signs of flightiness. Guys in this situation know most women will seek lega- action for child-support; but the real reasoning is to cling to him in desperation.
If he doesn't want to move in, don't force him too. Get your legal ducks in a row all the same. At this point, it could be fight or flight.
Can you take a hint? Read between the lines? I get it from here. Loud and clear.
Why do YOU think he's reluctant to move in? What you think is what really matters. You know him better than we do.
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