A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I was raped by my best friend's boyfriend, it had a terrible affect on my life, I gave up work because I worked in a shop and I just couldn't face talking to people, I lost my home because I couldn't afford the rent and had to move in to a little flat with a housing association. I was depressed for quite a while.I know I've got a lot better since and I have a new job, I don't feel so depressed any more and I'm quite proud of myself for turning things round.I was given quite a lot of compensation recently for what happened to me and I'm kind of overwhelmed by it. I don't know what to do with it all but my mother told my aunty that I got this money and she messaged me on Facebook to talk about it. The message she sent was this 'I'm so happy for you, in a sick way he did you a favour'. I'm really upset by what she said and it's making me want to give all of the money back. I've always struggled with money and now she's said this I think that people will think I just made everything up to get money. She thinks that it was worth it just because I don't have to struggle with money any more.I really didn't do that and I would prefer that none of this ever happened to me rather than getting compensation for it. Would anybody else be upset by what she said? Would you want to give it all back? When I spend this money it'll just be a reminder of what happened and it's making me feel sad. What can I do with the money to use it in a way that just doesn't look like I'm greedy. I would like to use the money to go to college to be a counsellor, seeing as I've been through horrible things, to try and help other people through it. What do you think of people who gets compensation for things like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015): Sweetheart your life was so affected by this unimaginable trauma, you have suffered and this compensation needs to be used to help get your life back on track.Ur damn straight u deserve it! Because what u deserve is the ability to have a future- your mental health sounds horrific due to this, and you've managed so well to have come thus far in your recovery, this financial aspect is just a part of helping your life get somewhere back to where you were before this awful and horrendous thing that this man did to you I gasped when I read your aunts message actually- so appalled and shocked to read it. I hope she is able to see how offensive her remark is, and u have every right to tell her. Well done with your recovery from this awful trauma, that has understandably stolen a huge chink of your life. Don't let it steal anymore xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2015): your aunts silly superficial comment has quite rightly upset you and this dilemma that your in right now is not unusual.I would see the doctor and take further counselling so that you can deal with this
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 July 2015):
 The money is yours so keep it. The man jeopardized your ability to support yourself and these funds are a small step towards restoring that balance. Definitely don't give it back to HIM.
Your aunty meant well but it was a tactless remark. She wouldn't have told grieving parents who'd just been awarded money that in a sick way their child's killer had done them a favour.
Have you already responded to the email? I think in this case I'd say something to her. Not a huge telling off or anything. Just tell her what you told us. Thank her for her concern and support, that you know she meant well, but you don't consider what you endured to be any kind of favour and let her know how you now feel about the award.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): Ok,if somebody offered you 1 million in advance (I doubt it went that high,but who knows) and said would you go through this horrible thing for 1 million, would you have said yes?
I doubt it! Hell, you even lost a HOUSE (you worked hard for,I suppose), it affected your life to the point you couldn't face people, you probably "lost" a couple of years of your life recovering. Hell,yes,he should pay! There isn't enough money in the world though!
Look, it's the same as if your aunt's mum passed away and she got a huge inheritance. Would it be ok for you to say:"Oh,sorry to hear that your mum passed away. But hey,you've got that huge inheritance so now you've got nothing to worry about."???
It is a totally unacceptable thing to say.
He set your life back. Use the money to move forward. To progress so far that he and everything else will just be nothing but a distant memory.
ps:I'd advise you to get yourself a place again-it's easier to plan your future if there is no mortgage to pay (and he already took yours from you in a way). So make sure it's extra-nice,extra-big and a big town where you can start over without reminders of the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): Hugs to you.Keep the money.It is yours.Sometimes people just say the wrong thing but really they mean well.Forgive your aunt.Make your life better with that money.But watch out because once people know you have money they will want some.If people want money from you and you do not know how to say no just tell them it is tied up in investments right now and you cannot acess it at this time.It is not a lie the investment is you.Do not loan it out and watch out for family and friends who will want to use you.School is a good idea and so is a vacation.Stay Strong and many blessings to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 July 2015):
 I think your mom wasn't really thinking what she said. I would have been utterly upset too if I were you.
He did NOT do you a "favor". I bet you 100% of rape survivors would rather NEVER have gone through rape then get compensation. And I think you should tell your mom that.
What you have to consider is that YOURS is a rare case, most of the time rapist gets away with rape, or the victims don't report the rape. YOU deserve something for your BRAVERY in standing UP to the man who violated your body and soul. Don';t ever think you didn't DESERVE the money. Yes, no being raped would be better, but unless someone has a Tardis to share.... it's not possible to change.
My niece (17 at the time) got $125.000 for being hit but a guy in a truck while waiting for the school bus (she broke her arm nothing more). The BIGGEST reason she got that much money, was because he took off. He apparently ran off called his lawyer who said to go back (he had a couple of DUI on his license too). He claimed he thought he hit a deer... (in this State you HAVE to contact the police if you hit a deer).. Anyhow, I think $125,000 is a lot of money for a broken arm, BUT THIS GUY knew there was a busstop for school kids, there was a LOT of snow on the roads, he WASN'T paying attention and he WAS going to fast. I think a guy like that would continue to drive like an idiot, HAD he not been caught. In THAT case I do think $125,000 is a bit much.
IN your case? I don't think there IS enough money in the WORLD to compensate a women (or man) who has been raped. I think no matter HOW much you got, YOU deserve the money. Mainly because it's not legal to cut the guy's dick off for being a rapist, and nothing SHORT of that will stop a rapist. But HAVING to pay compensation might make a guy think TWICE before raping someone.
Put the money aside till you know 100% what you want to do with it. Becoming a rape/violence counselor is a GREAT idea, if you think you can do it. I think it would be a VERY mentally challenging job, but also personally rewarding.
Right now though. Focus on your health and happiness.
If you want to treat yourself to a VACATION with part of that money, I don't see why you couldn't. YOU did nothing wrong here. You stood up for yourself AND every other person who has been raped. THAT is what you were "rewarded" for.
If this money can give you a better future then USE it. NO ONE should SHAME you for having gotten compensation for such a heinous thing.
*hugs*
Your mom, stuck her foot in her mouth and didn't think.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 July 2015):
 Oh goodness... what an insensitive thing for her to say. I'm sorry that you have gone through all this and that you are now feeling low all over again.
If I had to guess, she *meant* well and was trying to point out what she saw as a 'silver lining' to the situation. Unfortunately people who find themselves in situations where they have no experience and don't know what to say sometimes say the wrong thing rather than saying nothing, and this is probably what tripped up your aunt when speaking with you about it.
Try to remember that compensation is a part of the justice system in your country, whether it's intended as an additional form of punishment for the man who hurt you or a means of making up some of the trauma and loss you have suffered or both. The amount you received was either determined by a judge or a jury of your peers, or it is something to which the law automatically entitles you.
I don't know what country you're in and therefore can't speak to particulars, but here in the United States people are compensated by the justice system for all sorts of things. People who lose their partners or children or become disabled due to crime or someone's negligence have received financial compensation from the responsible party or parties and in some case taxpayers in general, especially if a city or agency is at fault. Of course those people would rather have their spouse or their child alive and well, or be able to see/hear/walk/etc. than have a check from the government, but since that isn't an option the money is provided to ease their tough situations, and no one thinks less of them for accepting it, just as no reasonable person is going to think that you sought out a rape (or faked one) simply to get money.
The man who hurt you COST you financially as well as physically and emotionally. You lost your job and your home over what he did. You have every right to repayment of these things plus extra for counseling if you need it and to secure your future, because you now have this extra challenge in your life that many people will never experience or understand. Going back to school would be a FANTASTIC use for the compensation, because with that money you'd be helping enable yourself to move forward from what happened to you. Why shouldn't the crime that upended your life so cruelly foot the bill for you putting that same crime squarely in the past?
I hope this helps you. Be proud of what you have already accomplished, and good luck and best wishes for brighter things ahead :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): I think you should tell your aunt how upsetting her message was, and whilst she probably meant no harm - I would say what you have said here and that you would much rather have never been violently raped than have some cash in the bank. To even suggest he did you a favour is sickening.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HAVING THE MONEY!!! I would perhaps ask your mother not to discuss it with people, and you are not obliged to tell anyone what you have received or what you plan to do with it. This money is compensation, but it does not even touch the emotional after effects. Use it wisely, perhaps you could put it towards buying a home and then you'll have cheaper bills you can afford whilst you study for your counselling qualification. Because of what happened you lost money you deserved as you were not well enough to work, you lost a quality of life and sense of freedom we are all entitled to. This money does not represent anything other than an acknowledgement you were made to suffer, and it is a gesture to try and enable you to return to a normal life.
Nothing you do will look greedy, because whatever you chose to do with the money you deserve.
What do I personally think of people who get compensation for things like this? I think you're incredibly strong people, and that no amount of money will ever take away the horror of what happened but you deserve the chance to rebuild your life, and the compensation gives you a way to do that. Xx
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